Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder
by Clarry
Summary: Kendall would give anything for Carlos to love him, but he knows it'll never happen.  It's time to move on.  Sequel to Because I Wanted the Best.
1. Chapter 1

Author's Notes: I do not own Big Time Rush or any of these characters, and I make no money off this whatsoever.

I know Kenlos isn't a pairing a lot of people can get behind, and I admit it took me a while to see it myself, but once I did there was no going back. This is a sequel to Because I Wanted the Best, which was the story of James and Logan meeting and falling in love. Now we have Kendall and Carlos, because as I wrote that story, Kendall kept whispering to me that he was lonely. He wanted Carlos. I tend to stay away from Carlos, but in this case I gave in because...well, because it's Kendall and I can't say no to him. I explained to him it would be a challenge to make Carlos fall for him, but he said he lives for a challenge. Yeah, I don't know. So here we go.

Dedicating this to my two awesome betas,** kathrynew30** and **Aranelle**. They're both happy to see Kendall going after what he wants, and happy to see more of Carlos for once. And this is still fun to write, because it's lighter than what I normally do and makes me laugh. I hope you like it, too! Thanks for giving it a try.

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><p>Kendall was popping his dinner into the microwave when his phone shrilled. He set the timer for the allotted four minutes and then answered it. "Dr. Mitchell, I presume?"<p>

"You would be correct, Mr. Knight. What's up?"

"Just cooking dinner."

"Stouffer's or Hungry Man?"

"Tonight it's Hungry Man. Beer-battered chicken. I'm living it up."

Logan chuckled. "I'm heading for McDonald's. Sure you don't want anything?"

"No, this is fine. Don't you have a date tonight anyway?"

"I do," Logan answered, and Kendall could hear the big grin through the phone. "We got my webcam hooked up before he left and we're going to use it tonight."

"Sounds kinky."

"I'm sure we'll just talk."

"Logan, you and James don't know how to _just talk_."

"You make it sound like all we do is have sex. We actually talk a lot."

"I'm not judging. If I had a boyfriend, I'd want to fuck all the time, too. Especially one I rarely see."

Logan sighed. "I know. So I'm returning your call from earlier. What's up?"

"Well, I spoke to Carlos this morning and he wants to meet James." The microwave dinged and Kendall propped the phone between his ear and shoulder to get his food out. "When is James going to be in town again?"

"He's flying back next week but only for one night."

"One night? Is it even worth that?"

"For our one-month anniversary, you bet it is."

"Dude, you've only been dating a few weeks."

"But we met a month ago. On the infamous day of the lollipop."

"You two, I swear. Is he bringing you another bouquet?"

"We'll see. He's really sweet. You never see that side of him, but that's because you put him on the defensive."

"I don't mean to."

"Yes, you do, but I know it's because you care."

"He makes you happy, that's all I care about."

"He really does. I'm so in love, Kendall."

"Yeah, yeah. So when is he in town long enough for Carlos to meet him?"

"In two weeks. I'll get him for four whole days."

"Nice." After peeling the paper off his dinner, Kendall grabbed a fork and took it to the table along with a beer. "Give me the dates and I'll let Carlos know."

"I could always call Carlos directly."

"Oh. Right. Yeah, you should."

Logan laughed. "But I wouldn't. I know you love talking to him."

"Dude, he's your friend, too. You can call him all you want. Ow, fuck, that's hot!" Kendall took a swig of beer, cooling down his burnt tongue.

"How many times did your mother tell you to blow on your food before you ate it? Or maybe let it cool down?"

"Shut up, I'm hungry. Damn, that hurts."

"Suck on some ice."

"I'm fine, doctor. So give me the dates and I'll let Carlos know."

"Got it. You haven't called him yet tonight, have you?"

"No. I usually wait until at least nine his time. Closer to bedtime. And it's...oh, look. Almost time."

"It's so cute how you get excited over it."

"It's actually pretty pathetic."

"That, too. Maybe..."

"What?" Kendall asked, trying his food again and finding it a bearable temperature.

"Maybe calling him every night is a bad idea. Like me staring at posters of James when I was trying to get over him. I know you worry about Carlos, but calling him every night just repeats the psychosis."

"You make it sound like I have a mental illness."

"Well, in a way it is. It's kind of an addiction."

"Carlos is not an addiction. James Diamond, _that _was an addiction."

"So we're both insane. Mine turned out okay, though. Yours won't unless you do something about it, and you refuse to. If you don't tell Carlos how you feel, nothing's ever going to change."

"Dude, what McDonald's are you driving to? How are you not there yet?"

"I've been sitting in the parking lot for ten minutes, and don't try to change the subject. Either tell him how you feel or move on."

"So now that you have a boyfriend, I have to make a decision?"

"It has nothing to do with James. I'm just tired of seeing you miserable."

"At least I date."

"You do, and they're never good enough. Guys _or_ girls. There's always something wrong."

"That last chick was certifiable, Logan."

"I'm not saying she wasn't. But all the others?"

Kendall sighed, pushing his food away as his appetite left him.

"Maybe you should try not calling him a few nights. See what happens."

"I can't. You know how I worry about him."

"He's a grown man, Kendall. He gets by just fine."

"Because Mom looks out for him."

"What about his girlfriend?"

"Yeah, I guess."

"Okay, I'll back off for tonight. I can tell you're gonna drink yourself to sleep."

"I was fine until you called. Thanks for reminding me how pathetic my life is."

"Your life is not pathetic. You're a star player for the L.A. Kings, dude. You're living your dream."

"It'll be easier when the season starts up again. I won't have time to sit around and mope."

"I know. Go work out or something. You'll feel better."

"I can't. It's time to call Carlos."

Logan smiled and nodded. "Of course. Okay, I'll let you know about James tomorrow. I'd call tonight, but we'll probably be up half the night."

"Don't need to know. But hey. Happy anniversary," Kendall grinned.

"Next week. But thanks. Call me later if you need to."

"Even if I'm a crying drunk?"

"Even if."

"Okay. Goodnight, Logan."

"Goodnight, Kendall."

Kendall rose to take his barely-touched food to the trash, then reached into the refrigerator for another beer. He knew Logan was right, knew he needed to let go of Carlos, but it was harder than Logan seemed to understand. From the time they were in daycare together, Kendall had looked out for Carlos. Moving away from him had been the most excruciatingly painful thing Kendall had ever done in his life, and the only way he could stand it now was to call Carlos every night for their "goodnight phone call." It was how he unwound, the only way he could relax enough to sleep. Even during hockey season he made a point to call, no matter what city he was in or what he had going on, and even if it was a brief "Hi, how was your day?" conversation, it was enough because Kendall could relax in the knowledge that Carlos was safe.

What Kendall wanted most in life was to come home to Carlos each night and kiss him until they tumbled into bed together, laughing as they got rid of each other's clothing and then loving each other until they were spent before falling asleep cuddled together, Carlos safely in his arms. No one looked at him the way Carlos did, as if he was a hero who could do no wrong, and even though Kendall knew that was complete bullshit, he loved that Carlos believed it of him. Carlos always had.

He took his beer to the living room and stretched out on the couch, making himself comfortable before pulling out his phone. He smiled at the picture of himself and Carlos that he hadn't had the heart to change since moving here. He'd taken the pic on the day he left Minnesota, when Carlos had come to help him finish packing up his house and to say goodbye. He remembered their parting conversation, how Carlos had cried but tried to be so brave. Kendall had felt horrible leaving Carlos, but the pain of seeing Carlos every day, being within touching distance and unable to do anything about it, had become too much to bear. It was fine when the two of them hung out together, but as they got older Carlos dated more. They'd doubled quite a few times after Logan left, and Kendall tried to make an effort, but each time he found himself wanting to hit the girls who giggled and cuddled up to Carlos and he knew something had to give. He wasn't happy, and he wasn't allowing Carlos to be happy because after each date Carlos knew something was wrong and would try to get Kendall talking. He never did, though, and it always made Carlos sad that Kendall was unhappy.

"I'm sorry, Carlos. I have to go." Kendall remembered saying that to Carlos right after the picture was taken, when the tears first appeared in Carlos' eyes.

"Hey, you gotta do what you gotta do. Can't help who you get traded to, right? We always knew this day would come."

"Right." Kendall hated lying to Carlos, hated that Carlos believed he'd had no choice in the matter when in fact he'd requested it. "You're gonna be okay, though. Mom's here for you, and Katie, too."

"Yeah, I know. It's just gonna be weird. First Logan, now you. The last of the Three Musketeers left all alone."

Kendall had hugged him then, probably tight enough to constrict his air but he hadn't complained; he'd only hugged Kendall back tighter. "I'm sorry," Kendall said again, his own eyes starting to water.

"Call me tonight? When you get settled at Logan's?"

"Of course." He'd done something reckless then, something he never would have dared had he not been flying a thousand miles away; he'd kissed the top of Carlos' head, then pulled back enough to kiss his temple. "I'll call you every night if you want. I know you sleep better when we say goodnight first."

"I do. And yeah. Do that."

"You got it. And you can call me anytime. You know that, right? Day or night. Call me, Carlos."

"Okay. You sure you don't want me to drive you to the airport? I can have Katie come too, because I know you'll worry about me being all sad when I drive home."

Kendall chuckled. "I would worry. But no, Mom already offered to drive me, and I sent her and Katie home. You guys need to focus on work, you've all got that big presentation coming up on Monday."

"We're gonna get that backing. How can any company say no when you ask for money to help orphans?"

"Especially when it's you doing the asking. No one can say no to you, Carlos. Not when you beg."

"Plus, I've got Katie on my side. She tries the puppy dog eyes first, and if that doesn't work? She goes in for the kill."

"Yeah. She scares me sometimes." Kendall stepped back as the cab pulled up. "Time to go."

"Let me help you with your suitcases."

Kendall allowed it, watching Carlos lug a suitcase to the cab. His heart wanted to burst right then and he felt a severe panic take hold. How was he going to live without Carlos?

"Here we go. Give me yours now." Carlos turned to reach for it, eyes widening when he took in Kendall's pale face. "Dude, are you okay? You look like you're gonna hurl."

"Fine," Kendall answered tightly, forcing himself to smile. "Well, no, I'm sad. This is hard, okay? Really gonna miss everyone."

"Aww, I know. Come here."

Kendall rushed Carlos, clinging desperately and shaking and he knew this wasn't going to happen. He couldn't even get into the cab, no way was he going to last more than a day away from Carlos.

"You're gonna do this. And you're gonna be fine. And you're gonna kick ass out in L.A. and take them all the way to the Cup. You know that, right?"

Kendall nodded, the tears flowing freely now even though he'd tried so hard to stay strong for Carlos.

"And you'll call me every night and I'll be fine. And you'll get to see Logan again. That's gonna be great, right?"

Once again Kendall nodded. At least he'd have that.

"Maybe the two of you might finally get something going."

The tears stopped then, because the words pushed Kendall into a hurt so deep he couldn't even cry anymore. "I told you, me and Logan aren't like that."

"Yet. You're gonna be staying with him for a few weeks until your house is ready, you never know what might happen."

Kendall shook his head, angry. "I keep telling you, just because we both like guys doesn't mean we want each other. Why do you keep pushing it, dude?"

"Because I'm tired of seeing you sad! You keep dating all these girls, and even guys sometimes, and after every date you find something wrong, say it isn't working. Maybe that's because what you need is Logan. I want you to be happy, man!"

Unable to form any words that wouldn't ruin the closeness between them, Kendall chose not to speak. He grabbed his carry-on bag and loaded it into the back seat of the cab.

"Don't leave without saying goodbye."

Kendall looked back at Carlos. "Take care of yourself. Please."

"I will. Give it a chance with Logan. Please."

Heart cracking, Kendall sighed. "Goodbye, Carlos."

"Have a safe journey. Love you, man."

"Yeah. Love you, too." He tried to smile and saw that Carlos was fighting tears again, so he stepped into the cab and closed the door. He didn't look back as the cab sped away, not wanting Carlos to see the flood of tears down his cheeks.

Lying on the couch now, the tears sprang to his eyes and he brushed them away angrily. Stupid Carlos and his stupid big brown eyes and lovable smile. Usually he didn't let himself get this emotional about it, or about anything really, but the memories were rushing him tonight.

He remembered their senior prom, right after he'd admitted to himself his feelings for Carlos were more than one friend for another, or even a passing crush. He'd tried to have a good time, danced with his date and managed to get Logan on the dance floor with his (a girl then, Logan hadn't accepted his sexuality yet), but his eyes kept straying to Carlos with his own date. Carlos was the perfect partner for a dance; he was polite, attentive, humorous, and just plain fun. Kendall had helped him get ready for the dance, made sure his tux was on right and his hair was styled, and as he'd fastened Carlos' bowtie around his neck, their eyes had met and Carlos smiled at him and _bam_. Just like that, he knew. He wanted to kiss Carlos, the urge had been almost uncontrollable, and after being frozen in that gaze for too long he'd had to walk away and hide in the bathroom, trying to catch his breath. He told himself it was the moment, to get over it, that Carlos was his buddy and it would pass, but that night he knew better. He also knew he was doomed to a life of unrequited love, and the realization threatened to pull him down into a vortex that would keep him in that bathroom for the rest of his life, but it wasn't his style to go down without a fight. He'd gotten himself under control and returned to the bedroom with a grin and told Carlos how great he looked and that his date would probably eat him alive. Carlos had waved away the compliment, but then immediately come back with "Really?" The excitement on his face was adorable. With a heavy heart, Kendall had smiled and repeated that yes, any girl would be lucky to have him.

Watching Carlos dance with his date later, Kendall had the same thought, that anyone would be lucky to have Carlos, but he never would. He'd faked a stomachache and sat out the last few songs, overwhelmed and needing to hide. After reassuring both Logan and Carlos that he was fine, he pushed them back to their dates while his own found her friends and joined them for a bit. Kendall then sat at a table in a dark corner, his eyes glued to Carlos' every sway to the music, and when the last song was played and he pulled his date close for the slow song, Kendall watched and imagined it was him. He would've pulled Carlos close and held him, letting him know he was safe and always would be, that no one could ever compare or make Kendall laugh and smile the way he did. Carlos would've laughed but been so touched, would've looked up with wide eyes and said, "Really?" And Kendall would've had to laugh himself, leaning down to kiss Carlos, whose eyes would widen even more as Kendall's lips touched his, but then he'd kiss Kendall back and-

"Did you call your mom yet?"

Kendall looked up, face flaming, to see Logan standing over him. "No. Should I?"

Logan sat down in the chair next to Kendall. "This is the last song, so yeah. You should also quit being so obvious you wish it was you out there and not her."

"I don't know what you're-"

"Don't even bother. Who knows you better than me? Nobody. And I'm sorry. It's...not gonna happen, you know?"

Kendall nodded sadly, eyes on the tablecloth as his fingers traced the patterns.

"If it makes you feel any better, I think I'm gay."

Kendall's head swung over. "Whoa. You, too?"

"Yeah. Been forcing myself not to watch Brad and Glenn all night. They both look way too hot in their tuxes."

"I hadn't even noticed."

"Well, you only have eyes for one guy. I've been watching you fall for years, dude."

"I didn't really...know it. Not until tonight."

"Neither did I, but I'd rather be dancing with them than Teresa, so that's a pretty good indication."

"Look at his smile. He's so happy tonight. And such a perfect date. She's the luckiest bitch on this planet, Logan. I want to be her."

Logan nodded. "I know, dude. I'm sorry." He pulled out his own phone and texted Mrs. Knight to come pick them all up.

"I don't want this to change things. He's my best bud. Well, one of them. And I don't want it to change, don't want things to be awkward. I can't say anything."

"Are you sure there's no chance?"

"Aren't you?"

Watching Carlos, Logan answered, "Yeah. I wish I could say differently, but...he loves girls. And worships you, but...that's not love. At least not the kind you need it to be."

"I'll take what I can get. I'm always going to be there for him. I don't care who he dates or marries, I'm going to be his knight. There when he needs me."

"So you'll spend the rest of your life pining over him?"

"Maybe?"

"That's not healthy. Is it just him, or are you attracted to other guys?"

Kendall shrugged. "I do find other guys attractive, but nothing feels like Carlos."

"Yeah. Again, I'm sorry."

"Quit apologizing. I'm the dumbass who fell for my best friend."

"_One_ of your best friends."

"Yes, Logan, _one_ of them. Look at you, getting all insecure."

"Not really, I just like to tease you. And I won't be hurt if you don't fall for me, too."

Kendall grinned, leaning back in the chair and shaking his head. "You know how much I love you, but...it's just not there."

"I agree. I don't stare at you and wonder what you look like naked."

"That's because you already know."

"This is true, but no, that's not it. It's more that I don't care."

"Gee, thanks." Kendall punched Logan's arm lightly, knowing Logan was doing his best to cheer him up and appreciating it. "But yeah. No one is Carlos."

"I know. Just promise me that ten years from now you won't still be pining over him, that you'll have a wife or at least a girlfriend, and you won't be letting him keep you from happiness?"

"Please. I'm not pathetic."

The memory of that hit Kendall hard. It was now ten years later and he was indeed still pining over Carlos, letting Carlos keep him from happiness. It was his own fault, no question, but the fact remained that even though Kendall had everything he'd ever wanted for his future, he still didn't have Carlos and he never would. It pissed him off that he'd known better, known back then it wouldn't happen, and yet he still looked forward to their nightly phone call more than anything else in his daily life. With shame he remembered the one time he'd called a timeout during a game, rushing off to the "bathroom" just because it went into overtime and he'd known Carlos was about to board a flight and wouldn't be able to talk to him until the next day. The coach had been angry enough about that to threaten to remove his captain status, and Kendall had claimed food poisoning that couldn't be controlled, but the fact that he'd subjected that many other people to his insanity regarding Carlos had woken him up enough to realize it was getting out of hand.

It was after that he'd requested the transfer, and though the GM and coach had tried to talk him out of it, they'd made it happen. Kendall had teased Logan mercilessly over his obsession with James Diamond, but was he really any better? Perhaps it was a psychosis. Still, moving to L.A. had made things a bit easier, and Kendall had started dating again, even though his heart wasn't really in it. He kept hoping one of these people would be the one to lift him out of his pointless devotion to a man who would never love him the way he needed to be loved, but so far it hadn't happened. He was ecstatic for Logan, who had finally found the one who completed him (and who strangely had been there for five years), but it made things tougher because now Kendall was truly alone.

_What the fuck is wrong with me? Get off your sorry ass and move on with your life, ten years of dreaming about something that'll never happen is the worst kind of idiocy._

And yet Logan had dreamed about his partner for five years, never expecting that to happen, and look at them now.

_So what? Doesn't change anything between you and Carlos. Logan was lucky. It doesn't happen like that for most people._

Still, it kept the flare of hope alive in his heart, and he hated himself a little for that. Needing to move, he stood up and grabbed his beer, carrying that and his phone out to the patio for some fresh air.

_Make this phone call. Get through it, then you can go to bed and cry the night away, and tomorrow when you wake up? No more. This is it. Logan's right, it's not healthy, and I need to start living. Just one more phone call to get me through, and then I'm done._

_Jesus, I sound like an addict. Yeah, it's time to move on._

Kendall sank down into a chair, setting his beer on the table and putting his feet up on the chair next to him. He hated the smile that graced his lips when he pulled up Carlos' number, hated the way his heart beat faster as he put the call through.

_Damn you, Carlos. Why do you have to be so amazing?_

"It's about time! I thought you forgot about me, buddy!"

Instant grin on Kendall's face. "Get over it, I'm only about twenty minutes late."

"You know I need to get to bed by midnight or I'm cranky the next day. And now we only have forty minutes talk, dork."

"I'm sorry, I was busy. I do have a life outside of Carlos Garcia, you know."

"That's your first mistake. Anything important?"

"I was talking to Logan and eating dinner."

"Oh, Logan. Of course. You _should_ put him first," Carlos teased.

"Have you forgotten that Logan met the love of his life and is now happy?"

"Yeah. I bet that hurts."

"I'm not going this with you tonight, Carlos." There was an edge to his voice that surprised him, and he told himself to calm down.

"Chill, dude, I was kidding. I know he's happy. I just wish you were."

"Don't worry about me. How was your date with Megan?"

"She loved it! I went to her house and cooked dinner, had it ready when she got home. And she was excited I repainted her bathroom like she's been asking me to do."

"Wow, she gets dinner _and_ a handyman? I'm jealous."

"Like Logan hasn't cooked for you a million times? He's the one who taught me how to make this stuff!"

"I know, but he doesn't paint my bathroom. Or fuck me after dinner's done."

"Yeah, still didn't score on that."

Kendall sat up some. "Seriously? How long is she gonna make you wait?"

"She says when the time is right. I'm willing to wait."

"Dude, I know, but...how long has it been?"

"Obviously not long enough. And I'm hopeful about tomorrow. She asked me to get her car washed and take some stuff to the dump for her, so she'll be feeling thankful."

"She...why is it every time I ask about her, you're telling me stuff she asked you to do for her? Stuff you do without hesitation and doesn't that seem weird to you?"

"No, she doesn't have any brothers or guy friends, so she depends on me. Besides, why shouldn't her boyfriend do that stuff for her? It's what I'm for."

"Carlos, dude. You're worth more than that. Does she at least say thank you?"

"Of course she does! She appreciates me."

_Not like I would. Fuck, Carlos, come cook for me, I'll make love to you all night._ "I'm just saying. You have this...thing."

"What sort of...thing?"

"You always seem to end up a slave to your girlfriends."

"I'm not a slave! I do this stuff because I want to. Because it makes them happy."

"Okay. I just feel like they're always taking advantage of you."

"I'm aware of what I'm doing. I'm not a kid, Kendall."

"I know. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to imply that you were. I just want you to be happy, Carlos," Kendall said, his voice taking on a desperate tone he didn't like.

Carlos softened. "I know, buddy. I want the same for you. Why can't we find the ones we're meant to be with, like Logan did?"

"Because our dream guys are too stupid to see what they could have. Well. Girl, in your case."

"Shoot, I'd probably have better luck getting into a guy's pants at this point. Aren't guys always horny?"

"Why are you asking me? You're a guy, aren't you?"

"I am. And I'm always horny."

"Then there's your answer," Kendall laughed.

"So why aren't you getting laid all the time, dude? Holding out for that special one like Logan did?"

"Logan wasn't holding out, he was just too busy. And when he wasn't, he was obsessing over James."

"It's crazy how that worked out, isn't it? Imagine loving someone that long and thinking you'll never get him. It would drive me crazy."

"Mm." A subject change was definitely in order. "So James will be in town in two weeks. He'll be here for four days."

"Oh, cool! What days?"

"Not sure yet, Logan's gonna let me know. They're on a cyberdate as we speak."

"A cyberdate?" Carlos laughed. "That's actually kind of cool. Webcam?"

"Yes."

"Why haven't we been doing that all this time? Instead of phone calls?"

"Well," Kendall started, "we don't date. It's just a nightly phone call."

"No, I know, but you know you miss this mug."

Kendall smiled into the phone. "You caught me. I really do, Carlos."

"Yeah, I miss you, too. We should do that next time. Tomorrow night. You gonna be home? If not, we can do a phone call, like always."

Kendall hesitated, feeling his resolve failing him. What he'd give to see Carlos' face again; it had been over a year. "I...don't know yet." He stood up and paced the patio. "We'll see how tomorrow goes."

"Okay, no pressure. So how was your day?"

"It was fine. Getting back into gear for hockey season."

"Yeah, I bet you're restless. You're so lucky to play for a living, man."

"I know."

"Too bad you had to leave the Wild, though."

"I'm happy where I am, but...yeah. I miss it." _I miss you._

"Okay, buddy, I gotta get some sleep. You doing okay, though? Nothing you need to vent about tonight?"

"No, I'm good. But Carlos?"

"Yeah?"

"I miss you. I can't wait to see you again."

"Aww," Carlos answered. "I'll be there in a few weeks. And I expect a hug from my big teddy bear."

"Why must you still call me that?"

"Because you love it. And it makes you smile every time."

Caught, Kendall argued, "That is not true."

"Bullshit. I can hear your smile right now."

"Go to bed, Carlos. Give me some peace."

"Never. Goodnight, buddy."

Kendall sighed, but he was still smiling and wondered how Carlos always managed to do that to him. "Goodnight."

"Just think. In two more weeks, we can say that in person. I can stay with you, right?"

"Of course." It was a horrible idea, the worst thing Kendall could allow to happen for his own sanity. "Like I'd let you stay anywhere else."

"I could stay with Logan."

"Fuck that, you're staying with me."

"I love it when you fight over me."

"Stop grinning, it's only because James will be staying at Logan's."

"Suuuuuuure."

"I'm going now. Goodnight."

"But I'm not tired."

"Carlos, you're the one who said you needed sleep!"

"Doesn't mean I'm tired."

"Goodnight, Carlos."

"Fine. Goodnight, Kendall. Webcam tomorrow night? I can show you this new dance move I learned?"

"I...fine. Yes."

"Awesome! Night, big teddy bear!"

"Shut up! Goodnight, Carlos!" Kendall hung up before Carlos could say anything else, laughing and feeling light as he chucked his nearly-full beer bottle into the trash.

This was why he kept doing it. This was why he couldn't stop. No one was like Carlos. No one made him feel like this.

_Damn you, Carlos. Why can't you be gay? Why can't you want me?_

Unwilling to let the sadness pull him down again, Kendall closed up the house and went to sleep, not feeling guilty at all about the smile on his face.


	2. Chapter 2

Author's Notes: I do not own Big Time Rush or any of these characters, and I make no money off this whatsoever.

I know Kenlos isn't a pairing a lot of people can get behind, and I admit it took me a while to see it myself, but once I did there was no going back. This is a sequel to Because I Wanted the Best, which was the story of James and Logan meeting and falling in love. Now we have Kendall and Carlos, because as I wrote that story, Kendall kept whispering to me that he was lonely. He wanted Carlos. I tend to stay away from Carlos, but in this case I gave in because...well, because it's Kendall and I can't say no to him. I explained to him it would be a challenge to make Carlos fall for him, but he said he lives for a challenge. Yeah, I don't know. So here we go.

Dedicating this to my two awesome betas,** kathrynew30** and **Aranelle**. They're both happy to see Kendall going after what he wants, and happy to see more of Carlos for once. And this is still fun to write, because it's lighter than what I normally do and makes me laugh. I hope you like it, too! Thanks for giving it a try.

Apparently I was wrong! I can't believe how many people told me they were excited to see a Kenlos fic. I had no idea there was a lack of them because I don't read the pairing much myself. Happy I was able to fulfill a need, though I'm pretty sure it won't ever happen again. This one only came about because of the other.

Also, thank you **kathrynew30** for giving me a vague notion of how webcams and Skype work. I'm so out of touch with that sort of thing.

* * *

><p>Kendall was awakened the next morning by Logan, who texted him the dates of James' upcoming visit (followed by a big happy face smiley). Kendall shook his head and rubbed his face, then got up to put on some coffee before grabbing his phone to forward the text to Carlos. He was about to press "send" but at the last moment gave in and called him instead.<p>

"You're up early," Carlos answered.

"Blame Logan. I got the dates for you."

"Oh, cool! Hang on, let me grab a pen. Katie, I need a pen!" After a pause in which Kendall distinctly heard Katie's voice saying "There's one right in front of you!" Carlos was back. "Go for it."

Kendall grinned and rattled them off. "I know you probably won't be able to stay the full four days, but since it's on a weekend maybe you can at least stay two of them."

"No, I'm staying the full four, already talked about it with Mom and Katie."

"Taking a mini vacation? Nice."

"Not exactly," Carlos hedged.

Kendall was immediately suspicious. "Are they coming, too?"

"No, but Katie really wants to. She's dying to meet James. Turns out she thinks he's 'hot' and it's a 'waste' that he's gay."

Laughing, Kendall replied, "Well, tell her Logan's happy, that should be good enough."

"Yeah, she knows. And of course your mom wants to meet him, too, but they've got work to do here."

"But you...don't?"

Kendall waited, in his mind seeing Carlos stand up from the desk and practically wring his hands, and knew there was something Carlos was dying to tell him but couldn't, for some reason. He felt the excitement over the distance separating them. "What is it? There's something you want to tell me."

"I...Kendall, I can't."

"Oh, just tell him already before you hurt yourself!" Kendall heard his sister yell.

"Yeah," Kendall agreed. "Just tell him already."

"But I don't want to get your guys' hopes up if it doesn't happen."

"Carlos, please. You've got my attention, just tell me."

"Okay. So I'm gonna need your help while I'm there. Need you to drive me around for at least one of the days, probably two."

"Drive where?" Kendall picked up his coffee mug, needing something to hold onto. His stomach was in knots as dread began to set in. Only one thing could make Carlos care enough to think about their hopes getting too high.

"I need to check out some office space. We've found some good ones but we need to see them in person and since I'm already gonna be out there..."

Now Kendall was the one standing up and pacing. "Are you saying you guys are relocating?"

"We've been wanting to for a while now; your mom says that's where the big business is, and where the majority of the homeless population is. A lot of kids on the streets. I mean, there's New York, too, but you know. You and Logan aren't in New York. We all miss you guys like crazy."

Kendall sank into the chair again, legs weakening on him. "But you guys have built such a huge foundation in Minneapolis, have helped so many people there. What about the other employees?"

"They can run it without us. We want to expand, Kendall. Help more people. We're just branching out, and your mom says that's the best place to do it, the place with the most need for an organization like ours. Think about how many homeless people we can help, how many shelters we can build, and the _backers_! We could get some big-name companies to donate, they love that do-gooder shit because it's great P.R. for them."

"So you're moving out here." That's what it all boiled down to, really. Kendall had moved halfway across the country to get away from Carlos, and now Carlos was coming after him. To make his life hell.

"It's not for sure yet. And your mom's gonna kill me for saying anything, she didn't want to mention it until we were sure. But she'll understand, I mean I had to tell you why I'm looking at office space if you're gonna chauffeur me around the city, right?"

"So you're moving out here," Kendall repeated. His body was numb.

Carlos chuckled. "Like I said, it's not for sure. But uh...there's a pretty good chance, yeah."

"So you're...moving out here." And damn if there wasn't a huge grin on Kendall's face now, one he didn't want to acknowledge.

"Kendall, stop!" Carlos laughed. "Nothing's for sure yet."

"Bullshit, you wouldn't even have mentioned it if it wasn't going to happen."

"Katie, will you tell him it's not a sure thing?"

"Kendall, we're totally moving out to L.A.!"

Kendall grinned wider. "When?"

"I don't know, okay? It depends on if we can find a place to set up shop and how soon and whether or not we get some loan and just a whole bunch of stuff I don't understand, but we're pretty determined."

"So we should look at apartments while you're out here, too? Is that what you're saying, Carlos?"

"No! I'm hanging up, Kendall."

"You know, it's okay to get excited. I know you're about to burst."

"I just don't want to get my hopes up. The chance to be with you and Logan again? Dude, this has been the loneliest year of my life! And I've had tons of girlfriends!"

_Don't remind me._ "So when will you know for sure?"

"Not for a while. I'm gonna go talk to your mom and tell her to set up some meetings for the Friday and Monday I'll be there. Katie's probably gonna try to tag along and say I can't handle it on my own, but with you there I'll be fine."

"I'll be there." Kendall stood up again, unable to sit still. "Let me know all the flight info so I can pick you up when you get in."

"Duh. Sure you won't have meetings or pre-season practice or anything?"

"I'll be there."

"You always are."

Kendall's heart warmed. "You know it."

"I gotta go, your mom just got here. Talk to you tonight?"

"I'll be there."

Carlos laughed. "There you go again. We still webcamming? Oh shut up, Katie, it's not like that. You should see the look she just gave me."

"I can imagine," Kendall commented, his smile dying slowly. It was finally sinking in what it would be like to have Carlos here all the time but not _have_ him. He remembered only too well.

"So tonight?"

"Yeah. Sure. I'll text you when I'm about to get on."

"Okay. Later, dude."

"Later."

Kendall set his phone down and lowered his head to his hands, the dread back in full force. What the hell was he going to do with Carlos back in his life on a daily basis? Request another trade? He couldn't keep running away from Carlos.

Logan was right. It was time to grow up and get over Carlos for good. Which would be difficult with him coming to stay for four days, but maybe it was what he needed. Practice.

_Logan._ He needed Logan. _"I need you. Denny's?"_ he texted.

Logan answered fifteen minutes later. _"See you at two."_

"_Thanks."_

"_Anytime."_

* * *

><p>Logan tilted his head at Kendall, frowning at the sight of his best friend resting his own head on his arms. "Eat something?"<p>

"No."

"This is familiar. Only this time I'm the one trying to shove fries down _your_ throat."

"Yeah, why do you eat so many fries? You know better than anyone how bad they are for you, doctor."

"Because they're good. And I have a death wish."

"Yeah, right. You found your dream guy, make sure you live long enough to enjoy him."

"Oh, I will," Logan grinned, sitting back with a sigh. "Do you know what he did last night?"

"In the live chat?"

"Yup."

"Not sure I want to."

"He sang to me. With a guitar. He's writing a song for me."

"Oh God, where's the bathroom? I'm totally gonna puke."

"Dude, it was so romantic."

"Did you cry, Logan?"

"I...might've. Oh, like you wouldn't have if Carlos did that for you."

Kendall's eyes fell closed and his heart clenched.

"What happened that you're not telling me?"

"He's moving out here."

"What?" Logan's eyes widened and he stopped chewing.

"Yeah. With Mom and Katie. When he comes out in a few weeks, we're looking at office space for the foundation." His voice was a monotone, his body a dead weight resting on the table.

"Holy shit. When did they decide that?"

"I don't know. Apparently they want to expand."

"Dude, that's awesome, it's a huge opportunity for them. And we'll get to see Carlos every day! Well, maybe not every day. But still!"

Kendall rolled his eyes up toward Logan.

"Yes, I know. I know what you must be feeling. Don't even think about trading to another team. I would kick your ass so hard. Possibly even send James after you."

"Ha, like he'd give a shit. He'd probably celebrate, having you all to himself."

"I keep telling you, he likes you. And especially once he sees you with Carlos, he's going to know for sure you don't have feelings for me."

"He hardly knows me. We've spoken a few times. Usually when I call and he answers your phone. Which I know is on purpose, he's such a shit. Like I care."

"I know, isn't he adorable? 'Oh, is that Kendall? Let me get that for you.'" Logan shook his head, smiling affectionately. "But he knows you because I talk about you."

"He must love that."

"He doesn't mind it. One day you two will be great friends. Hang out when Carlos and I are busy."

"It really doesn't help me get over him when you say things like that, as if we'll be together someday. Aren't you the one who told me ten years ago it was never gonna happen?"

"Yeah, and I really do think you should move on. But you know...what if the year apart opened his eyes some? Showed him how much he misses you?"

"I know it did. That's never been in question, he tells me all the time how much he misses me."

"Does he still call you a big teddy bear?"

"Shut up." Kendall straightened and reached out for a handful of fries.

"He does! That is so cute!"

"It's annoying."

"You love it and we both know it, so give it up. What are we doing when he visits? Something fun for the four of us to hang out."

"Well, Carlos and I will be busy the Monday and Friday. And you'll be working anyway, so-"

A scoffing sound left Logan's lips. "You think I'm working when James is here?"

"You're closing the office?"

"No, but I'm letting the P.A.'s take on more of my patients. You told me to slow down, remember?"

"I did. Only James would convince you to actually do it, though."

"He's worth it. Know what else he did last night?"

"Wrote you a poem? Recited a sonnet?"

"Nope," Logan said with a smirk. "We watched each other jack off."

"Logan, Jesus Christ! Images I don't need in my head! Fuck!"

"Shh! It was insane. Even better than phone sex."

"Okay, I just lost my appetite."

"Kendall, stop. You're happy for me."

Kendall sighed. "I am. And more jealous than I will ever acknowledge to myself."

"I know. But like I said, maybe he'll see you again and-"

"Suddenly realize he's loved me all along and can't live without me? Yeah, not gonna happen."

"You never know."

"Yes, I do. And so do you."

Logan looked up as the waitress set down their check. He thanked her and waited until she'd cleared his dishes before speaking. "He still with that Megan chick?"

"Yes, and she's totally using him! Yesterday he painted her bathroom! Today he's taking her car to get washed and dropping shit off at the dump. And she still won't put out!"

"Kendall, not all women put out before marriage. Some things are still sacred."

"She's totally taking advantage of his niceness. Just like they all do. I'm so fucking sick of watching that. He deserves somebody who understands how amazing he is, who lights up just hearing his voice and lays awake at night wishing he was there. Fuck, I need him. So bad, Logan."

"I'm so sorry," Logan said softly. "I know how much you love him. I wish there was some way to change him, but..."

"I know. He's not gay and I can't make him that way."

"If it's any consolation, I think if he was he would totally go for you."

"Damn right he would. He'll be lucky if I don't attack him while he's here. Maybe I should make my guest room 'temporarily unavailable.'"

"Evil. But he wouldn't even be suspicious, he's Carlos."

"Yeah, I know. I could dance around naked in front of him and he'd be like 'You're so weird. Wait, let me join you!'"

Logan giggled. "That is so Carlos. Dude, seriously. What are you gonna do if he moves out here? How are you gonna handle that?"

"I don't know. I have to get over him."

"You really do."

"Okay. So that's my decision. I'm getting over him. I made that decision last night, but then I called him and all my resolve...dissolved."

"So quit calling him. I keep telling you."

Kendall nodded slowly, feeling a slight panic at the idea. "I'm going to. Starting tomorrow."

"No, Kendall. Starting tonight. Just...forget."

"He knows I'd never forget. Besides, we uh...sort of made plans tonight."

"Why are you squirming? Kendall Knight, look me in the eyes."

"It's nothing, I just told him about you guys webcamming and he wants to try that with me. Instead of a phone call."

"Oh, no. No, Kendall, that is a very bad idea."

"Aw come on, he wants to show me a dance move!"

"A dance...Jesus, Kendall, you have it so bad."

"I know, okay? We established this years ago. Don't you have to get back to the office?"

"You're the one who wanted lunch with me, and it's because you knew I'd talk some sense into you. No webcam tonight. Absolutely not."

"But it'll make him sad."

"I don't care. Carlos has been sad before and survived. He'll get over it."

"But _I'll_ be sad."

"You'll be more sad when you stare at him and know in your heart that's all you'll ever get to do."

The words were like a sword to the gut. Kendall's face fell and his eyes misted.

"I'm sorry to be so blunt, Kendall," Logan soothed, reaching out to cover Kendall's hand with his own. "But you need to remember that, if you ever hope to move on."

"Yeah. I know." It still hurt like a mother.

"So no webcam tonight?"

"No."

Logan had never heard Kendall sound so dejected. "Want to come over for dinner? I'll make your favorite."

"Thanks, but no. Tonight will be my last phone call with Carlos and I need to gear myself up for it."

"I didn't say you could never call him again, Kendall."

"I know, but...not as a habit. Time to wean myself off."

Music suddenly filled the air between them as a song from the _The Wizard of Oz_ blared from Logan's pocket. _"We represent the Lollipop Guild, the Lollipop Guild, the Lollipop Guild..."_

"Oh my god, are you fucking kidding me, Logan?"

"Shut up, it's adorable!" Logan's cheeks were red as he pulled his phone out and grinned.

"Give me that." Kendall grabbed at the phone and answered. "I just need to know one thing."

Silence for a beat, and then James replied, "Yes?"

"Do you have the same ringtone for him? The lollipop guys?"

"What if I do?"

Kendall shook his head. "You two are insane."

"It's called being happy and in love, Kendall. You should try it sometime."

Another knife to the gut.

"Shit. I'm sorry, dude. I didn't mean that. I...fuck. Kendall, I'm sorry."

"It's fine. That's what I get for giving you shit about Logan. Here, he's dying to talk to you." Kendall passed the phone to Logan, suddenly needing to get away. "I'll see you later, buddy."

"You don't have to leave-"

"You have to get back to work anyway. I'll call you later." Grabbing the check, Kendall turned away from Logan, knowing he was being an ass but unable to witness someone so completely happy just then.

"Promise?" Logan called after him.

"Promise."

"No webcam!"

"Yeah yeah. Go make kissy noises to your boyfriend."

With a heavy heart because he knew what he had to do, Kendall started the process of emotionally letting go of what would never be.

* * *

><p>A text came in at 8:45. <em>"No webcam."<em>

Kendall rolled his eyes and ignored it. He'd already agreed the webcam was a bad idea and wasn't going to happen. In fact, he could probably call Carlos now and get the phone call underway, but he liked to wait until Carlos was settled in bed. He loved it when Carlos fell asleep on him, felt like he was somehow lulling Carlos into dreams.

_And that kind of thinking needs to stop. Tonight is it. Maybe only two or three phone calls a week after that._

Five minutes later there was another text. _"I mean it."_

Kendall sighed and talked to his phone, which of course couldn't hear him. "Yeah yeah, I get it. No faith in me, I swear."

At 8:55 his phone vibrated again and he picked it up, ready to shoot Logan a middle finger via text. The words on the little screen made his breath catch.

"_We still on, big teddy bear? On my laptop. Find me on Skype! :D"_

_Fuck._

It was the stupid smiley that did it. He probably could've managed the phone call if not for that stupid, excited smiley face because it reminded him of Carlos' face when filled with excitement, as it probably was right this second. He pictured it, the animated smile and bright eyes as Carlos waited for Kendall to sign on. He hadn't seen that face move in over a year; pictures could only do so much.

Kendall stared at his phone, then glanced over at his laptop. It mocked him from the chair it was sitting on, as if asking why he was so far away. The little charging light winked at him the way Carlos did sometimes, and he felt his resolve slipping.

_No. No, Kendall. You can do this. Logan's right, he'll get over the hurt._

He pulled up Carlos on his phone but then it buzzed in his hand.

"_Where are you? :(((( " _

"Fuck!" Kendall threw his phone across the bed to land near his feet, then retrieved the laptop and booted it up. Stupid Carlos and his stupid emoticons.

And finally that bright face was on his screen and Kendall's heart expanded as his lips curved into a grin.

"Kendall! I can see you! Hey, dude!"

Carlos was sitting in his bed as well, Kendall could see the pillow behind him against the headboard, could see Carlos in a t-shirt and what he knew would be sweats beneath the blanket. He looked warm and cozy and beautiful enough to make Kendall's heart ache with longing.

"Wow, you need a haircut."

And then Kendall was laughing and hating Carlos a little bit for it, but only a little. "Haven't seen me in a year and that's all you can say?"

"Hey, I greeted you first!"

"Yeah, yeah." The ridiculous grin wouldn't leave his face and yeah, Logan had been right—this was such a bad idea. "Already in bed, I see."

"'Course, it's bedtime. You, too?"

"It's been a long day."

"Aww, want to talk about it?"

Kendall shrugged. "Not really. Just a lot of thinking."

"About us moving out there?"

"Partly." Shit, this sucked, Kendall couldn't hide his feelings when they were face-to-face like this. Over the phone he was able to act like he was fine and Carlos never knew any different.

"Is it...okay?"

"Of course it is!"

"Okay, you just look like...I don't know. Nervous? What's with that?"

"I'm not nervous, just tired. Like I said, a long day."

"Don't get cranky on me, I've been looking forward to this all day."

"I'm not cranky!"

Carlos raised an eyebrow.

"I wasn't until you started asking if I was."

"Sorry," Carlos chuckled. "So what else is on your mind?"

"Not much. Had lunch with Logan; we want to do something fun when you're here. I was thinking maybe a baseball game?"

"That'd be cool. Too bad hockey season isn't on, I'd love to see you play."

"Then I wouldn't get to spend time with you.'

"I guess that's true. Can we go to Disneyland?"

"I...yeah. Actually, that sounds like a lot of fun." Kendall grinned imagining rides with Carlos; corn dogs and pickles and did Carlos still love parades? "Need me to hold your hand on Space Mountain?" he teased.

"Shut up, that was one time and I was seven."

"It's okay if you do, I don't mind. I'll just tell everyone how scared you are and that you're about to piss your pants."

"Dude, when I see you, I'm so kicking your ass." But Carlos was smiling just as hugely as Kendall was.

"I'd love to see you try."

"You know I can do it. Remember eighth grade?"

Kendall laughed. "Do I ever. That was impressive."

"Yeah, I felt like a hero that day. Can you hang on? I'm thirsty."

"Sure, go ahead." Kendall sighed when Carlos disappeared, staring at the screen and knowing how screwed he was. A flash of blond caught his eye and he narrowed his eyes, staring at a picture frame under Carlos' bedroom lamp. It was a picture of himself and Carlos, taken when they were teenagers, arms slung around each other. It would have been Carlos' seventeenth birthday party, if Kendall remembered correctly, and he recalled the way he hadn't left Carlos' side that day because Carlos' ex-girlfriend was in attendance and Carlos was dreading seeing her again. _I'm always there. That's what you said. I always have been. Why can't you see that?_

But Carlos did see that. Kendall was being unfair.

_You love me, but you don't want me as more than a friend. Why can't I be satisfied with that? And why after a year away from you do I still want nothing more than to cuddle with you every night?_

Kendall groaned and stood up, deciding he was thirsty, as well. When he returned with a bottle of beer, Carlos laughed. "Great minds..." He held up his own bottle.

"Cheers," Kendall smiled, and they pretended to clink bottles. "So do you still love parades?"

"Duh. And I demand a big pickle."

"Really, Carlos."

"Dirty-minded son of a bitch, aren't you?"

"You know it."

"Do you know how long it took me to get over the corn dog thing when we were thirteen?"

"Yeah, you didn't eat one for a whole month!"

"I was afraid my friends would tease me! Should've known you two would end up gay, the way you guys always found a way to talk about blowjobs."

Kendall laughed, nodding. "True. Can I ask you something?" He didn't know what he was doing, knew it was dangerous territory, but he felt reckless tonight.

"Yes. The answer is yes."

"I...you don't even know what I'm gonna ask."

"Yes, I do. You want to know if I've ever been curious, right?"

"Uh...well, yeah. I mean, your two best friends are gay, it's natural for you to wonder." Kendall's heart was slamming in his ribcage. Carlos had been curious?

"If I tell you something, you swear not to tell Logan? Or laugh at me?"

This was serious business, Kendall could tell from the tone of Carlos' voice and his intense expression. _Logan. You're gonna tell me you had a crush on Logan and I'm gonna die, right here and now it's gonna happen._ "Swear," Kendall answered, leaning forward slightly.

"I don't know why this is so hard, you'll understand probably better than anybody, but...it's embarrassing."

"What, Carlos? You know I won't laugh at you."

Carlos licked his lips and looked to the side, setting his beer on the nightstand and then fidgeting with his hands. He looked down, not able to meet Kendall's gaze, and said, "I kissed a guy once."

"Holy shit," Kendall whispered. "When? Who?"

"It was a long time ago. I was curious and I guess...kind of wanted to be like you guys."

"Did you kiss Logan?" He was dead meat if he'd kissed Carlos and never mentioned it.

"Logan? Hell no! Gross, dude!"

Relief flooded Kendall. "Okay. Just making sure."

"No, it was this guy at a party. After senior year. Remember when Shannon Mickler had that crazy New Year's Eve party?"

"Oh, that one. Yeah, that was crazy. And you disappeared on me for a while. Is that when it happened?"

"Yeah. This guy had been hitting on me all night and-"

"_That_ guy? You kissed _that_ guy? He was an asshole!"

"But he was offering and I was curious. So I let him take me in this room and...we made out a little."

"Jesus Christ, Carlos, how could you not tell me that?"

"Because I was embarrassed!"

"With _me_? You thought _I'd_ make fun of you?"

"I just didn't want to talk about it, okay? It wasn't all that special."

"No?"

"No. Showed me I wasn't gay. Not that I thought I was, just...you know?"

"Right. Yeah, confirmation." Kendall swallowed, his heart squeezing. "So...nothing? No sparks at all?"

"Nothing, dude. It was different, though. To have someone be aggressive with me. I um...wow, we're getting deep."

"It's me you're talking to. Go on."

"So I liked the aggressive thing, the way he took control, but...I don't know. Kissing him was nothing special."

"And when girls kiss you it's...special?"

"Depends on the girl, but...yeah."

"So maybe it's the same with guys. Maybe it was the wrong guy you tried kissing." Carlos laughed as if that was ridiculous, and Kendall bit his lip. "Well, at least you know, right?"

"I do. Except..."

"Except?" _Do not get your hopes up, Kendall Knight, don't even think about it._ It sounded like Logan's voice in his head.

"I don't know. Never mind."

"No, go on. Tell me, this is between you and me. Have there been other guys you're attracted to?"

"No? I mean...well, no. There haven't been."

"You don't sound sure."

"It's not attraction. I don't know what is."

"Like..." _Fuck, Carlos, just say it._

"Just a feeling of...something missing. And I don't think it has anything to do with a guy or girl or gay or straight. I think it has to do with...you know how I used to fall in love every other day?" Carlos chuckled.

"Yeah, I remember. You still do."

"I know, but it's not real love. I always thought it was, but it's not. I talked to Logan a few times last week and I hear it in his voice. That's love. I've never sounded like that. Never felt like that with any of the girls I've dated in my life. I want...that. What he has. You know?"

Nodding slowly, Kendall replied, "Yeah. I do know. I want that, too."

"I'm just so lonely, dude! I lay in bed at night and wish there was someone here to cuddle with me. I've tried to get Megan to stay a few times and she won't, thinks I'm trying to get in her pants. Is it so hard to believe all I want is someone to hold me all night?"

"Not at all," Kendall answered, his hand reaching out to touch the screen. Luckily Carlos was looking away, searching for his beer, and Kendall pulled his hand back as if it was burnt. "Hey, Carlos?"

"Yeah." He sounded pissed, or maybe frustrated, as he took a swig of beer.

"If uh..." Clearing his throat, Kendall went for it. "I know I'm not a girl or sexy or anything, but if you want, we can cuddle while you're here. Nobody needs to know."

Suspicious, Carlos' eyes narrowed. "Are you making fun of me?"

"I'm not, dude. I'm serious. I...get lonely, too. And if you feel uncomfortable because I'm gay-"

"Please, I know you better than that. You'd never make a move on me, I totally trust you."

Remembering his earlier conversation with Logan, Kendall blushed. "I'd behave. Swear."

"I know you would."

The way Carlos was looking at him caused Kendall to squirm. "We don't have to, I just thought-"

"Like the old days, right? When we'd sleep over and all cram into your bed?"

Kendall's mouth opened, but no words came out.

"Yeah. We're totally doing that. But don't tell Logan or he'll tease us."

"Oh, trust me. Logan won't hear it from me." _He's gonna kill me. Way to get over Carlos, idiot._

"Cool. Okay, I gotta get some sleep." Carlos stretched, his shirt riding up to expose smooth flesh that Kendall suddenly wanted to lick. He turned away from the screen quickly, not wanting Carlos to catch that.

"Night, dude. Sleep well. Oh, I forgot to ask. How was it with Megan today?"

"Man, I do not want to talk about that right before bed."

"What? Since when? Trouble in paradise?"

"Dude, I think you're right about her. I think she's using me."

"Really."

"Yeah, she didn't even want to have dinner with me tonight, after I did all that stuff for her. Said she has to get up early tomorrow and wants to stay in. I offered to come cook and she turned that down, too. Whatever, I don't need her."

And here was the familiar anger at the one who hurt his Carlos, the rage that caused Kendall to want to go hunt her down and punch her. "You're right, you don't. Fuck her. You can do better."

"I don't know. Sometimes I think I'm destined to live my life alone."

"Don't say that, dude. She's out there and she's going to make you so happy someday."

"I guess." Carlos sighed, then grinned. "And if not, I always have you to cuddle with, right? Maybe we can just give up on love and move in together, at least we'll never sleep alone."

_Don't even fucking tease me like that. I'd be happy with that, you have no idea._ "Kinda pathetic, but uh...yeah. It works."

Carlos laughed. "Totally pathetic. Night, buddy."

"Goodnight, Carlos." _If I asked you to keep the webcast going while you sleep and cuddled with my laptop, that would be creepy, right?_

"Talk to you tomorrow night. We should do this again. It's way better than the phone."

"It really is. Sleep well."

"You, too."

Kendall watched until the screen went dark, closing his eyes and letting out a deep sigh. _You are such a fucking idiot. Offering to cuddle with him? But he said yes! We're totally cuddling. And I won't ever want to let him go. Logan's gonna kill me._

Kendall reached for his phone, already knowing there'd be at least one text from Logan. Probably a missed call as well. He was correct on both. _"I know you're webcamming with him. What am I gonna do with you, Kendall?"_

"_Commit me. I'm so deep in this I can't even see straight anymore. Fuck me."_

"_Maybe later."_

Kendall shook his head._ "Be careful, your boyfriend might check your texts and take that wrong."_

"_He knows I love him. So you're throwing in the towel?"_

"_Until after the visit. There's no way I'll be able to resist him while he's here."_

"_I worry about you."_

"_I know. Thanks. Goodnight."_

"_Goodnight. Big Teddy Bear."_

"_Fuck you."_

"_Maybe later."_

Laughing, Kendall set aside his laptop and turned off the light, once again smiling as he fell into dreams of his Carlos.


	3. Chapter 3

Author's Notes: I do not own Big Time Rush or any of these characters, and I make no money off this whatsoever.

I know Kenlos isn't a pairing a lot of people can get behind, and I admit it took me a while to see it myself, but once I did there was no going back. This is a sequel to Because I Wanted the Best, which was the story of James and Logan meeting and falling in love. Now we have Kendall and Carlos, because as I wrote that story, Kendall kept whispering to me that he was lonely. He wanted Carlos. I tend to stay away from Carlos, but in this case I gave in because...well, because it's Kendall and I can't say no to him. I explained to him it would be a challenge to make Carlos fall for him, but he said he lives for a challenge. Yeah, I don't know. So here we go.

Dedicating this to my two awesome betas,** kathrynew30** and **Aranelle**. They're both happy to see Kendall going after what he wants, and happy to see more of Carlos for once. And this is still fun to write, because it's lighter than what I normally do and makes me laugh. I hope you like it, too! Thanks for giving it a try.

Apparently I was wrong! I can't believe how many people told me they were excited to see a Kenlos fic. I had no idea there was a lack of them because I don't read the pairing much myself. Happy I was able to fulfill a need, though I'm pretty sure it won't ever happen again. This one only came about because of the other.

Also, thank you **kathrynew30** for giving me a vague notion of how webcams and Skype work. I'm so out of touch with that sort of thing.

I know this is a short chapter, but it was the natural place for a break and the next few will be longer. Thanks for reading and hope you enjoy!

* * *

><p>The next two weeks seemed to both drag and rush by at the same time. There was a webcam "date" every night, and even though Kendall knew it would never lead to more he thought maybe if he had this for the rest of his life, he'd be satisfied. Eventually Carlos would find a girlfriend who would become his priority, though, and when that happened Kendall would have no choice but to let go. He dreaded it, but a tiny part of him wished for it because he knew he couldn't do it on his own. Kendall Knight had never been defeated once he put his mind to a task, but when it came to Carlos he couldn't seem to win the fight against his own heart. It betrayed him every single time and broke down his defenses until he went running back to Carlos and Logan was right, it had to be unhealthy but damn, Carlos made him happy. It wasn't like he was in an abusive relationship, just one in which he continually set himself up to be disappointed.<p>

Kendall did finally get to see the dance move, Carlos jumping around his room in boxers and nothing else, and it was so adorable that he laughed until his stomach cramped, managing to give Carlos a thumbs up through the giggles.

Their talks always started out light, but more and more began to turn deep. It was strange, as Carlos had always been one to whine about girlfriends but he didn't usually express his hopes and fears about life and love, and Kendall only shared that side of himself with Logan. It was something about wanting to seem strong for Carlos, to not show any weakness, but the more Carlos shared the more Kendall opened up, revealing that many of his fears were similar to Carlos'. It brought them closer in a way they had never been, in the process making Kendall fall harder.

The night before Carlos' flight both were full of excitement, laughing over ridiculous things and practically giddy as they debated about how to spend the weekend. Disneyland was a definite plan, Carlos insisting on it and Kendall of course backing him even though they knew it might be difficult for James to be in such a public place. Kendall had discussed it with Logan, though, who had discussed it with James, and Kendall assured Carlos that James was willing.

"He says he wants to be seen with Logan more. Wants to show him off, I think. It's kind of cool."

"Yeah, because that guy's super famous. He isn't worried about what people will say?"

"I get the feeling he's been gay his whole life, so to him it's natural. I mean, he's been public about it since he started his music career."

"How do you know that?"

"Dude, when Logan first discovered James, that's all I heard about for weeks. He called me on the way home from school to gush about this guy he'd seen on T.V., then later that night he called me again to scream about how the guy was gay. You don't remember that?"

"When was it?"

"Back when he still lived in Minnesota with us. How can you not remember Logan freaking out about James Diamond?"

"Because he never freaked out around me. I think he was afraid to scare me, like he thought he couldn't talk about guys to me. I remember him mentioning James, but more like 'Oh, have you heard his new song?' or 'This guy is really talented.' Nothing about his looks or how hot he was."

"Lucky you. You missed out on five long years of Logan obsessing over some guy we thought he'd never meet. I always suspected his determination to get into U.C.L.A. had to do with being near James somehow. At least in the same city."

"I never imagined Logan being the kind of guy to go crazy over a rock star like that."

"There's never been anyone like James in his life. He knew the minute he saw him, felt that pull. It's like every moment since then led up to that day they met. It was pretty instantaneous for James, too, I guess. He tried to ask Logan out the first time they saw each other, but it didn't happen."

"So here's what I need to know," Carlos said, leaning forward slightly. "Is he good enough for Logan?"

"Honestly? Yeah. He is. You'll know that when you meet him, when you see them together. Logan is his first priority. I can't say I like the guy all that much, but we don't really know each other so that's not a fair statement."

They talked about Logan and James for a while, Kendall trying hard not to prejudice Carlos in any way, but reassuring Carlos that James was indeed an attentive boyfriend who would put Logan before everything else.

"See, that's what I want."

"An attentive boyfriend?" Kendall joked. They were sharing a beer and each snuggled in bed, but too excited to sleep.

"Shit, dude, I'd take an attentive anything at this point."

Kendall knew better than to think Carlos meant it. "I know, it would be nice to be part of a couple, you know?"

"Yeah, have someone to come home to every night. Just someone there who cares about me and actually loves me. But I meant someone who puts me before everything else. Because that's the kind of boyfriend I am, you know? Is it wrong to want that for me, too?"

"Not at all, Carlos. I know exactly how you feel."

"Like with Megan. She always had some excuse why we couldn't get together. But I was there when she needed me, took time off work here and there for her. I don't expect all that, but when she's free I would've liked to be her priority, you know?"

Kendall nodded, the sadness in Carlos' eyes making him wish he could reach through the screen and hold him tight. _Tomorrow. Tomorrow I get to do that._ The thought brought butterflies to his stomach. "Did you break up with her?"

"Yeah. Today. She asked me to help her with something tomorrow and I reminded her I wouldn't be here. She forgot. How do you forget that your boyfriend is leaving town for four days? Obviously it didn't matter that much to her."

"You know what? Forget about her. Come out here, spend guy time with me, and forget about chicks. We'll make our own fun."

Carlos' face brightened. "I can't wait! Think we could get some time on the ice? Just you and me?"

It would be near impossible to set that up. "Absolutely. You all packed?"

"Mostly. Leaving early in the morning, so I did it all tonight."

"Cool. Logan's gotta work in the morning, so it'll just be me picking you up. James is coming home around noon, I think, and they'll need some alone time before we meet up with them. We talked about doing dinner, since you and I have those meetings tomorrow."

"That's fine. They fuck a lot, don't they?" Carlos chuckled.

"When they can. I know there are a lot of blowjobs. Do you blame them?"

"Guess not. I'm just kinda jealous, you know? I want blowjobs!"

"I know, right?" Kendall laughed, amazed that he and Carlos had gotten to a place like this, where they could discuss sex acts and it felt natural. He'd always had that closeness with Logan, but kept Carlos at a distance on that, afraid to scare him with the gay.

"So can I ask you something?" Carlos asked. "I'm honestly curious."

"The answer is yes. I love giving blowjobs. It's my favorite pastime," Kendall grinned.

"Dude, stop!" Carlos giggled. "That's not what I was gonna ask."

"Okay. Just putting that out there." Why was he being so forward? He knew better than this, knew Carlos had no real interest in guys.

But Carlos went along with it. "Thanks, I'll keep that in mind for my visit," he laughed, causing Kendall's heart to go insane. "No, I wanted to ask about Logan. And don't get mad, I just don't understand."

Kendall sighed, leaning back against the headboard. "We don't feel like that about each other. We never did."

"But I don't understand why! You guys are so close! You talk to him about things you don't with me, you even moved out there to be with him."

"Whoa, that's not why I moved out here. You know that."

"Look, I know you requested that trade, okay? Katie told me."

Kendall froze, eyes wide.

"And I'm not mad, I figure you had your reasons, but if not to be with Logan, then why?"

"When did she tell you that?"

"A while back. She didn't mean to, it slipped out. But we both thought it was for Logan, and that you guys were together but afraid to tell us. That's why I kept asking, hoping you guys would admit it. Obviously we were wrong, I know that now with James and everything. But if not for Logan, then why? Why did you leave me?"

The hurt in Carlos' voice was almost unbearable. "Carlos," he whispered.

"I'm over it, okay? I always knew you were closer to Logan and I lived with that, and especially when you both went gay I knew it was only a matter of time. And I've been okay with everything because I thought you guys were happy together. Then I find out Logan has a boyfriend and it all didn't make sense. Why else would you leave?"

Kendall's eyes closed as he tried to figure out how to answer that. He'd known how deeply it hurt Carlos when he left, but he hadn't realized Carlos had ever believed he would choose Logan over him. "It's...complicated."

"I know you broke it off with that guy right before you left. Paul? Is that why, was there something you didn't tell me? You didn't seem to like him all that much but I know you guys were fucking. Did you need to get away from him?"

_No more lies. All it does is hurt him._ But there were ways to answer without lying. "No, it wasn't him. I just needed a change."

"Why couldn't you just tell me that? I would've understood."

"I'm not sure you would have. You would've tried to talk me out of it."

"Damn right I would've. But at least I wouldn't be sitting here thinking you would rather be with Logan all the time."

Kendall blinked, the absurdity of the situation overwhelming him. "Are you...Carlos, are you jealous? Of Logan?"

"No."

"_Carlos?_"

"I don't know, maybe a little. Not like in a boyfriend way but you always talk to him about stuff that you don't talk to me about. When I thought you loved him it was okay, but if you don't..." Carlos shrugged, shoulders slumped slightly. "I know sometimes you think of me like a kid but-"

"I don't. Trust me, I'm well aware you're a grown man."

"Is it because he's gay? He understands you better?"

"Carlos, no, it's...I don't know what it is. You don't talk to me about deep stuff, either. These past two weeks is the most we've ever discussed sex and loneliness, our hopes for someone to love."

"And I know it's because Logan's all focused on James, so finally now you're sharing with me. And it's nice."

Kendall stared at Carlos through the screen, words failing him.

"Are you mad?"

"No, I'm not mad. I'm trying to wrap my head around the fact that you're jealous. Of Logan."

"Like I said, it's not in a boyfriendy way. It's just...I miss you. And I hate that he has you and I don't."

_Jesus Christ, Carlos, say the word and you can have me. All of me. I'll never let you leave. _But then it hit him. _It's not in a boyfriendy way._ _Of course it's not._ Still, Carlos wanted him. Wanted more of him, wanted that closeness.

"When you move here, you should live with me."

The second half of Kendall's words were drowned out by a loud ringtone on Carlos' end. "Whoa. Megan. Dude, hang on, I gotta take this."

Kendall sighed, his heart still thumping hard over what he'd said. Carlos had missed it, and Kendall couldn't believe he'd actually uttered it. What was he thinking?

_That you're lonely. And he is, too. It's not wrong to want that closeness with him._ He looked up at the screen to see Carlos' eyes widen.

"Now? But I have to get up early and catch a flight and...oh. Really? You mean it? Okay, I'm on my way!" Carlos hung up and did a victory jump off the bed. "Dude! I'm getting laid tonight! She wants me back, wants me to stay the night!"

While his heart broke into a million pieces, Kendall grinned. "Dude, that's awesome! What changed her mind?"

"She said she missed me. That after I broke up with her she realized she'd been stupid. About fucking time, bitch!" Carlos yelled toward his phone. "Okay dude, I gotta go!"

"Don't miss your flight. Make sure you wake up on time. Want me to call you?"

"Nah, she said she'd drive me to the airport so I can stay the night. Kendall! I'm getting laid!"

"Excited for you, buddy. Tell me all about it tomorrow." He really didn't want to hear it, but knew Carlos would be bursting. "Goodnight." He was already reaching to disconnect the chat, feeling the tears close to the surface.

"Wait!"

But Kendall was tired of waiting. He'd been doing it for ten years and even though he'd known all along it would never pay off, it drained him and left him feeling hopeless and lost. "Go see your girlfriend. I'm happy for you."

"Don't forget to pick me up, okay?"

Kendall rolled his eyes. "Like I'd ever forget you. My Carlos," he added softly, aware of the fact that Carlos was moving around his room gathering his bags for the trip.

"Promise?"

"Duh, Carlos. I'm gonna go now. Have fun."

"Oh, I will! Don't forget!"

"Carlos, for fuck's sake, I'm not going to forget you! Just go fuck your girlfriend and leave me in peace!"

"Alright, alright! Night, buddy."

"Goodnight." Kendall reached out again to close the chat.

"Hey! Guess what?"

Groaning in frustration, Kendall replied, "What?"

"Tomorrow? I get to hug my big teddy bear."

Kendall's eyes shot to the screen, his heart somersaulting in his chest. His lips curved into a smile.

"Knew that would get you smiling."

Kendall shook his head, grin widening. "Goodnight, my Carlos."

Carlos stared into his eyes with a smile of his own. "Can't wait to see you."

"Yeah. Me too. Night."

"Night."

The chat closed and Kendall touched the screen where Carlos' face had been. "My Carlos," he whispered. "Even if you'll never be."

He barely slept a wink that night, torn between excitement and tortured visions of his Carlos making love to the luckiest bitch on the planet.


	4. Chapter 4

Author's Notes: I do not own Big Time Rush or any of these characters, and I make no money off this whatsoever.

I know Kenlos isn't a pairing a lot of people can get behind, and I admit it took me a while to see it myself, but once I did there was no going back. This is a sequel to Because I Wanted the Best, which was the story of James and Logan meeting and falling in love. Now we have Kendall and Carlos, because as I wrote that story, Kendall kept whispering to me that he was lonely. He wanted Carlos. I tend to stay away from Carlos, but in this case I gave in because...well, because it's Kendall and I can't say no to him. I explained to him it would be a challenge to make Carlos fall for him, but he said he lives for a challenge. Yeah, I don't know. So here we go.

Dedicating this to my two awesome betas,** kathrynew30** and **Aranelle**. They're both happy to see Kendall going after what he wants, and happy to see more of Carlos for once. And this is still fun to write, because it's lighter than what I normally do and makes me laugh. I hope you like it, too! Thanks for giving it a try.

Apparently I was wrong! I can't believe how many people told me they were excited to see a Kenlos fic. I had no idea there was a lack of them because I don't read the pairing much myself. Happy I was able to fulfill a need, though I'm pretty sure it won't ever happen again. This one only came about because of the other.

Okay guys, Carlos is finally here! It's about time, right? I'm having so much fun writing him in this. So glad I decided to give it a try, even though I shy away from Carlos because he's hard to pin down.

Also, **Anime Yaoi Lover** pointed out that I gave Carlos' girlfriend the name Megan, like in BTContest. I didn't even realize that! Her character is in no way supposed to reference that Megan, I chose that name for personal reasons. Sorry if anyone thought otherwise.

* * *

><p><em>Calm down. You've seen him a million times, grew up with him. Seeing him today is no big deal, nothing new.<em>

Except it was, because they'd never been apart this long, nor had they been as close as they were now. The web chats they'd been doing had reawakened the physical ache Kendall used to feel for Carlos; seeing him had only intensified the need, bringing it back to what it had been when Kendall left Minnesota. Watching Carlos kiss women, seeing his hands on them...it had devastated him in a way he didn't care to dwell on.

Kendall's fingers drummed his knee, foot tapping with nerves as he stared up at the board displaying arrival times. He was antsy and needed to walk, but terrified he'd miss Carlos coming in.

_Any minute now. And he'll be all full of Megan and sex and fuck, I can't listen to that. I can't._

Because now it would be worse. Now they freely talked about sex together and Kendall would have to hear the details. Without a word of complaint and acting as if he was excited for Carlos.

Carlos had texted him a few times that morning._ "I'm up! On my way! :D" "Waiting to board! Can't wait to see u! :D" "DUDE I AM ON THE PLANE! CAN'T BELIEVE IT! HAVE TO SHUT DOWN NOW BUT I'LL BE THERE SOON! :D :D :D"_

Those stupid smileys. They really would be the death of him.

His phone shrilled and he frowned at Katie's ringtone. Katie calling while Carlos was in the air couldn't be good. "What's up, baby sis?"

"Okay, we need to talk about the office space. I want to make sure we get the kind of building we need, not one that has a place for a swirly slide. He asked for that for Christmas, can you believe it? Wants one installed in his living room. Where does he get this stuff?"

"He's wanted one of those since we were ten," Kendall smiled. "I didn't know he still did, though." Immediately his mind tackled the problem, wondering if he could make it work in his house.

"He's so weird. But okay. Here's what we need." Katie listed the requirements necessary for their new space, Kendall taking a mental note and nodding. "Got all that?"

"Yup. I'll make sure we find a place for you guys. It'll be nice to see you again on a regular basis."

"Yeah, I kinda miss you, too. He's not there yet, is he?"

"Nah, any minute. I'm at the airport."

"I figured. You doing okay?"

"Doing great. Enjoying the time off before pre-season starts up again."

"If we move out there, you gonna be okay with that?"

"Of course," Kendall answered. "I miss you guys."

After a pause, Katie said, "So I figured it out last night. Why you moved."

Kendall swallowed, fingers fidgety again. "Carlos said you told him I requested it."

"Yeah, that was months ago. We were talking about how we thought you and Logan had something going, and I mentioned it. I'm sorry, if I'd known the real reason I wouldn't have said anything."

"What is it you think you know?"

Instead of answering the question, Katie replied, "If this is too hard on you, I can talk Mom out of the move."

Kendall was silent, not sure what to say.

"See how this weekend goes, okay? If it's gonna be too hard, let me know."

"You know I love you, right?"

"Yes, I know that. And I love you, too."

"So tell me about Megan."

"Oh, that bitch needs to go. She's totally using him."

"That's exactly what I thought. Oh, getting another call, probably him. Gotta go, love you!"

"Love you, too! No swirly slide!"

With a grin Kendall pulled his phone away to switch calls, surprised to see it was Logan. He sighed. "Let me guess, you're calling to tell me it's a bad idea to share a bed with him."

"I was calling to make sure you're okay. He's not there yet?"

"Anytime now. And I'm fine."

"Excited?"

"Can't even sit still. I can't believe I'm gonna get to hold him again. I've missed that, missed hugging him. Touching him."

"I know, but...he has a girlfriend. Remember that."

"I am, trust me." It was pointless to mention the brief break-up that occurred the day before. "It wouldn't matter if he didn't. I'm the wrong sex."

"Yeah. But on a lighter note, James is on his way to see me!"

"Right now?"

"Yes! He just called, he'll be here in about ten minutes to rescue me. Dude, I've missed him so much!"

"I know you have. And I'm happy for you."

"I bet you ten bucks he brings me flowers. And plays me that song; he said he recorded it already."

"Did you call to check on me or brag about your perfect boyfriend?"

"Sorry," Logan smiled. "Can't help it. I haven't touched him in over a week."

"Oh, poor you. Try a year, dude. Try a fucking year."

Logan made a shivery sound. "No way. I think anything more than two weeks is gonna leave me a wreck. Good thing we're rich so I can go see him here and there."

"Bragging again."

"Oh please, like you haven't already decided to move Carlos in with you."

"I-what? Like I'd really-"

"Don't even bother, Kendall. Who knows you better than me? No one. And for the record, it's a bad idea. Just like sharing a bed with him this weekend."

"Ha! I knew that's why you called!" Kendall stood up, restless.

"Worried about you. If you need me, just call, okay? Get away from him and call."

"Not calling you while James is there. Knowing him, he probably gets off on an audience and would blow you anyway."

"Dude, you really need to spend time with him. You've got this weirdly twisted opinion of him."

"Well, that's what this weekend is for. So dinner tonight, Disneyland tomorrow, Dodger game Sunday. And Carlos asked if we can hit the beach at some point."

"James wants that too, so we'll work it in." A sudden gasp. "He's here! Hi!" The sound of a door closing and then an amorous greeting.

Sighing, Kendall went to hang up the call but Logan stopped him.

"Wait!"

"What?"

"You owe me ten bucks. And James says hi."

"I didn't even bet you! Hang up and go make out with the love of your life already."

"Kendall?"

Kendall stopped pacing. "Hey, James."

"Hi."

"Hi."

"I uh...wanted to apologize again. For a few weeks ago."

"It's fine, I'm over it. I know you didn't mean it like that."

"I wasn't thinking. You just always seem to bring out the asshole in me."

Kendall laughed. "That makes two of us. Keep making him smile and we'll never have a problem."

"Gonna try."

"Here's a hint. He loves the song."

"He said that?"

"He did. Told me he cried over it."

"What! Logan, you said your allergies were acting up when I sang for you. You _were_ crying!"

Kendall snickered, listening to Logan flustered and denying it. "I'm gonna let you go. Have fun with him."

"Always. And uh...good luck with your guy."

"Thanks. He should be here any-"

"Kendall!"

He spun around and almost dropped the phone because his heart was beating so fast. There he was, a huge duffel bag over one shoulder but running anyway, jostling people and barely noticing in his hurry to reach Kendall. There was only time to pocket the phone and take in that Carlos was wearing purple, Kendall's favorite color on him, before he was being lifted off his feet and spun around, clinging tight for balance.

"Heeeeeey!" Carlos yelled, setting Kendall back down and dropping the bag but not stepping back, instead wrapping his arms around Kendall's waist and holding tight. Kendall's own arms surrounded Carlos and kept him there, his body shaking slightly now that he had what he'd needed most for over a year-Carlos safe in his arms.

"Hey," he answered softly, one hand running over Carlos' hair and his lips pressed to Carlos' head. He breathed in the scent, something spicy and soothing all at once, and closed his eyes in contentment.

"Can't believe I'm here."

"I can't, either." Carlos was never leaving. He'd just have to call and tell Mom and Katie that Kendall was holding him prisoner because there was no way in hell Kendall was letting Carlos out of his grip, let alone out of the state.

"Missed you so much, dude!"

"I know. Missed you, too."

They might've stood like that for the next year if not for the ringing of Carlos' phone. He sighed and stepped back, Kendall screaming inside at the separation, then pulled out his phone. "My mom, hang on." He turned away to assure his mother he'd arrived safely, giving Kendall an opportunity to just drink him in.

Carlos didn't really look any different, he just looked...better. Amazing in every way, as if the colors and lines were somehow sharpened. His hair was a glossier black, his eyes a deeper brown. Somehow his lips looked softer. Even the way his fingers curled around the phone pressed to his ear, they begged for Kendall's to link with them and never let go.

_This was such a bad idea._

Carlos caught him staring and his face brightened into a wide grin, eyes dancing over Kendall's face. Kendall's lips immediately answered in kind, then he bent down to pick up the bag while Carlos wrapped up his phone call.

"She feel better now?"

"You know how she worries. Want me to get that?"

"Nah, I got it." Kendall settled the bag over his shoulder as they started walking, then slid his other arm over Carlos' shoulders. "Flight okay?"

"I tried to sleep but I was too excited. Barely slept last night."

"I can imagine." Steering Carlos toward the exit, Kendall commented, "That's what happens when you stay up all night with your girlfriend."

"It wasn't that. Things didn't work out the way I hoped they would."

The sadness in Carlos' voice had Kendall stopping and turning to him. "She didn't give in?"

"I don't know, she probably would have, but...you know what? I don't want to talk about it here. Do we have time for some lunch before our first appointment?"

"Yeah, sure." _Don't get your hopes up. Stop getting your hopes up over this guy. It's not gonna happen. _ "Denny's okay? It's right by our first stop."

"Sounds great."

"And if you feel like talking, I'm here. You know that, right?"

Carlos glanced up with a smile. "I do, buddy. Thanks." He slid his arm around Kendall's waist as they walked toward the parking lot, and Kendall tried not to let his heart beat too crazily when Carlos' head rested against his chest.

* * *

><p>Kendall looked up as the waitress set down their menus and asked, "New boyfriend? What happened to the other guy?"<p>

Laughing, Kendall replied, "Logan's not my boyfriend. Sadly, neither is this guy."

Carlos rolled his eyes but grinned, opening the menu.

"Does that mean your doctor friend is available?"

"Nope. He's very much attached. Also gay."

"Damn. All the good ones are."

"I'm not!" Carlos piped up. "And I'm unattached, too! What time do you get off?"

The waitress ruffled his hair. "So cute. But I have plans after work."

"So do you," Kendall reminded Carlos, kicking him under the table. "We have a dinner date, remember?"

"Yeah, I would like to see Logan again. Sorry, uh...Karen," Carlos answered, staring at her namebadge.

She chuckled and took their drink orders, then left them alone.

"So why are you picking up waitresses when you have a girlfriend back home?"

Carlos shook his head slowly. "I don't. We're taking a break."

"Another?"

"This time I called it. I mean, I called the first one, too, though it only lasted a few hours. This one's different. I need to figure out if she's what I want. Plus, we'll be moving eventually, so I shouldn't get involved with a local girl, right?"

"If she's the right one for you, distance doesn't matter. You don't stop loving someone just because you move away."

Carlos looked up from the menu, eyeing Kendall curiously. "So there _was_ someone. That you moved away from."

"I needed a change. That's why I moved."

"Are you sure it wasn't over that Paul guy? Was there more to it than I thought?"

"Quit changing the subject. Tell me what happened with Megan."

"Fine," Carlos sighed, but halted when Karen returned to bring their drinks and take their orders. He continued when she moved away. "So I showed up and within ten minutes she was asking me to help her clean out her garage."

Kendall's eyebrows shot up. "You're kidding."

"Nope. And that's what she wanted me to do today, what she asked for earlier and I told her I'd be gone. So I figured out that she really needed me to do it, and that's why she invited me over."

"Dude, it was almost midnight by then."

"I know! And she knew I had to get up early for the flight, too. So even though I think I might've gotten sex out of it, or at least cuddling..." He shrugged. "It wasn't worth it. Because she's totally using me."

"I'm sorry, man. You were so excited, thinking she wanted you back."

"Like you said. I deserve better."

"You do. Why didn't you break it off completely? Are you really thinking about going back to her?"

"I don't know." Carlos opened one end of his straw and blew it at Kendall, who waved it away with a grin. Some things never changed.

"You don't need that, dude. Find someone who lights up when you walk into the room. Who aches to hold you. That's what you deserve."

"Like I'll ever find someone like that. This is me we're talking about. I'm not smart like Logan, or cool like you."

"Dude, you have so much to offer. You don't even know how amazing you are. Anyone would be lucky to have you. Anyone."

Carlos smiled at him. "Of course you say that. You're my best friend, you have to."

"You've known me long enough to know that I don't lie. If it's something negative, I just don't say anything at all. If I _do_ say something, I mean it."

"So you really believe that? I'm amazing?"

"I do. I always have."

"And someone would be lucky to have me?"

"Damn right."

Carlos blushed, touched as a tiny smile curved his lips. "Thanks. I think the same about you. Why haven't you found anyone yet? If you're not dating Logan, and you swear you never did..."

"Never did, dude. We've never even kissed. We have snuggled on the couch while watching a movie, though. Quite a few times. But it wasn't anything romantic. We were just lonely and cold," he joked.

"Kind of like you and me. We're still gonna cuddle, right?"

Trying not to scream with joy, Kendall replied, "If you want. We should watch a movie together, huddle under a blanket and snuggle up." He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.

"I love it when you flirt with me! You don't do that enough."

"Seriously?"

"Yeah! You always did it with Logan, but never me. Of _course _we thought you and Logan had something going, the way you flirt with him."

"It's not that I didn't want to, Carlos. I'm just always so afraid to scare you with my gay."

"I told you, I know you don't mean anything. When we cuddle, I'm not gonna be terrified you'll kiss me or anything."

Karen appeared with salads and drink refills. "Anything else?"

"No, we're good, thanks." Kendall licked his lips and turned back to Carlos. "You realize you've just opened yourself up to me flirting insanely with you all weekend, right?"

Carlos grinned. "Bring it. It'll be nice to feel appreciated for once. Even if I know you're just joking."

"I do appreciate you, though. You know that, right?"

"Yeah," Carlos answered softly, deep brown eyes meeting bright green ones. "I know. I've never doubted that."

"Good," Kendall nodded, feeling the moment thicken between them. "I don't want to see you settling for someone who doesn't appreciate the awesome that is Carlos Garcia. I want you to have what Logan has, the undying devotion."

"I want the same thing, I just don't see it happening, dude. How many girls have I rolled over and bent over backwards for? They appreciate what I do for them, but they don't appreciate _me_. Tell me something. And be totally honest."

_Oh fuck. You know I can't lie to you, Carlos, it almost killed me that one time. _ "Okay..."

"So you're gay, right? Or at least bi."

"Yes, I thought we established that when I was eighteen."

"No, I know, I just mean...I'm asking you as a gay man. Don't answer as Kendall, my big teddy bear. Answer as a gay man who can be objective. Am I good-looking at all?"

Kendall choked on his salad, then sucked down his tea. "Are you really asking me that?"

"Just tell me the truth. I know I'm not hot like James Diamond or anything, but am I at least good-looking?"

"Wow. You want an honest answer on that? You sure?"

Carlos groaned. "I knew it. Never mind." He sighed and leaned back in the booth, shoulders slumped.

"Carlos."

Carlos shook his head.

"Carlos. Look at me."

He finally looked up in frustration.

"Are you listening to me?"

"Yes, Kendall."

"Look at me."

Carlos' eyes stayed on his plate. Kendall reached out and tilted his face up with one finger under his chin until Carlos was looking back at him. Staring into Carlos' eyes, Kendall said without a hint of flirtation, "You are the most attractive man I have ever seen in my life. You are sexy and gorgeous and anyone who doesn't see that is a complete moron who is blind. Don't ever think you're not beautiful, because-"

"Here we go, two bacon cheeseburgers with fries."

Kendall sat back suddenly, irritated beyond belief. Did the woman have no sense of timing?

"Um. Thanks," Carlos said, and Kendall wasn't sure if Carlos was speaking to Karen or him. It didn't really matter, he supposed, as the moment was gone. What mattered was the way Carlos acted around him now, because he'd probably just pushed it too far.

Unsure how to continue a normal conversation after that, Kendall shoved fries into his mouth, wincing at the burn and sucking down more tea. A ringing from his phone further saved him. "That's Logan, hang on." The text simply asked if it was a good time to call Carlos. "Call Logan. He wants to say hi."

"Okay, cool." Carlos did that while Kendall excused himself to the restroom.

_Fuck. I fucked up. He totally knows now, knows I want him and things will be weird. I didn't __want that, wanted this weekend to be perfect. Why did you have to ask me that, Carlos? Why?_

After relieving himself and splashing cold water on his face, Kendall was ready to face Carlos again. He heard Carlos' ridiculous giggle and smiled, heart warming. It had been far too long, and even if things were weird between them now, just having Carlos near would be enough.

He slid into the booth and bit into his burger, letting Carlos finish the conversation with Logan.

"So James seems pretty cool," Carlos commented after hanging up.

"Yeah, he does. I'm looking forward to spending actual time with him, seeing him and Logan together for more than five seconds. Did you actually talk to James on the phone?"

"No, but he was making comments about our conversation. I got the feeling they were in bed together."

"That sounds about right. They haven't seen each other in a week or so. Logan was bitching about it this morning, said he was going through withdrawals."

"Oh, poor baby," Carlos scoffed. "How long has it been for you?"

"A long time." Kendall shoved more fries in his mouth, the direction of the conversation with Carlos both welcome and dreaded.

"But you've had blowjobs, right? Since you said you love that so much?" Carlos teased.

"Let's just say I haven't had enough of either to satisfy my urges. Not for a long time."

"Yeah, me too. I miss that. I should've stayed for the sex last night and then broke up with her."

"Carlos!" Kendall laughed.

"What? I'm lonely, okay? We discussed this."

"I am too, but I'm not about to go use someone just to get off."

"Why not? She used me."

Kendall sighed. "That's isn't you. You wouldn't have gone through with it."

"Maybe not." Carlos shrugged and pushed his empty plate away. "But I would've considered it for a good ten seconds before turning it down."

"Oh, Carlos. You need to get laid. We both do."

"Depressing, isn't it?"

"Let's not dwell on women or sex this weekend. Let's just enjoy each other's company and have a good time."

"And cuddle. You're not getting out of the cuddling after you offered it."

"Yes, we'll cuddle. Why are you so set on that?"

"I told you. I want that at night, want to feel someone next to me and not...be alone."

"You won't be. Not while I'm around."

"So you're saying I should move here next week."

Kendall giggled. "The sooner, the better, dude. You should just move in with me."

"Don't tempt me. Got room for a swirly slide?"

"Already on it."

"What?"

"Katie told me you wanted one. I already figured out where I could put it. I'd just have to knock out part of a wall."

"You'd do that for me?"

"Haven't you learned anything after knowing me all your life? I would do anything for you, Carlos."

There was a moment when Kendall thought Carlos might actually cry, and then he said, "I've really missed you."

Kendall reached out to squeeze his hand. "I've really missed you, too."

"Here's the check, guys. Anything else I can get you?"

Kendall wanted to scream in frustration. Seriously, how did she not sense this stuff? He pulled his hand back. "We're fine. Thanks."

She looked at Carlos, who nodded in agreement. "Thanks, Karen."

"Anytime. See you guys later."

Kendall pulled out his wallet.

"I'm full. Do we have to look at places today?"

"Yes, Carlos. Katie called me to make sure we do."

"Damn her. Always meddling."

"It's because she knows you too well. Ready to go? We're running a little late."

"Yeah, I guess. Let me run to the bathroom?"

"Sure. Meet you by the entrance." He watched Carlos walk away and let out a long breath. It was going to be a long weekend.

When he paid the bill, Kendall made sure to leave Karen a poor tip. Nobody ruined perfect moments with his Carlos.


	5. Chapter 5

Author's Notes: I do not own Big Time Rush or any of these characters, and I make no money off this whatsoever.

I know Kenlos isn't a pairing a lot of people can get behind, and I admit it took me a while to see it myself, but once I did there was no going back. This is a sequel to Because I Wanted the Best, which was the story of James and Logan meeting and falling in love. Now we have Kendall and Carlos, because as I wrote that story, Kendall kept whispering to me that he was lonely. He wanted Carlos. I tend to stay away from Carlos, but in this case I gave in because...well, because it's Kendall and I can't say no to him. I explained to him it would be a challenge to make Carlos fall for him, but he said he lives for a challenge. Yeah, I don't know. So here we go.

Dedicating this to my two awesome betas,** kathrynew30** and **Aranelle**. They're both happy to see Kendall going after what he wants, and happy to see more of Carlos for once. And this is still fun to write, because it's lighter than what I normally do and makes me laugh. I hope you like it, too! Thanks for giving it a try.

Apparently I was wrong! I can't believe how many people told me they were excited to see a Kenlos fic. I had no idea there was a lack of them because I don't read the pairing much myself. Happy I was able to fulfill a need, though I'm pretty sure it won't ever happen again. This one only came about because of the other.

* * *

><p>The meetings with realtors took longer than they'd planned, leaving Kendall and Carlos rushing to meet with James and Logan for dinner. Neither had time to change and Kendall was glad James hadn't insisted on a fancy place. It was one of his favorite restaurants but not one that made Kendall uncomfortable with its sophistication; maybe James wasn't so bad after all.<p>

He spotted James and Logan sitting cuddled together in a booth and smiled, pointing them out to Carlos, whose face lit up as he rushed over.

"Logan!"

Logan grinned and jumped up to hug him, the two clapping each other on the back and laughing.

"Hey," Kendall greeted James.

"Hey," he returned, smiling as he watched Logan and Carlos.

"Nice to see you for more than five minutes."

"Wonder how long it'll be before we argue."

Kendall chuckled. "I'm hoping we can avoid that tonight."

"Truce?" He held out a hand.

"Deal." Kendall shook it, then turned to drag Carlos away from Logan and into the booth next to him. He let Carlos babble at Logan for a while, trading eyerolls and headshakes with James, until finally Logan gasped.

"Carlos! This is James!"

"Haha, I figured. Hey, nice to meet you!"

James leaned forward and shook his hand awkwardly across the table. "Same. Logan talks about you all the time."

"He does?"

"He does. Says he hopes you move out here, that he's missed seeing you every day."

"Awwww. Me too, buddy."

Kendall was content to simply watch Carlos, who was always so adorably entertaining when he was excited. He rested his arm over the back of the booth, loving the way Carlos instinctively leaned into him.

"So how is it looking? Did you guys get the loan?" Logan asked, leaning into James as well, who immediately pulled him closer.

"We did! It's definitely gonna happen. Katie and Mom will be flying out in a few weeks to find a place for them to live."

"What about you? Don't you need a place, too?" Logan shot a quick glance at Kendall, knowing what was coming. Kendall stared back, unruffled.

Carlos shrugged. "Yeah, but I need to stay there and be available while they're gone. We're handing over the reins to the rest of the staff, and there's a lot of stuff we'll need to take care of, too."

"I hear Kendall has a big house," James tossed out, earning a glare from Logan. Kendall only smiled, liking James more and more.

"I wouldn't know, I haven't seen it yet. And we joked about me moving in, but I don't think he's serious. Are you?" Carlos lifted his face to Kendall's, eyes wide.

"Like I can say no to you?"

"But I didn't ask. I wouldn't. It's totally up to you."

"Would you want to?" Kendall felt Logan's gaze studying them and possibly disapproving. He didn't care.

"I guess I should see the place first."

"Of course. But the invitation is open. It would be nice to have someone there when I'm out of town with the team. Maybe I could finally get a dog."

"We totally have to get a dog! And the swirly slide."

"Swirly slide? Dude, are you still going on about that? I thought you got over it five years ago."

"I will never get over the swirly slide, Logan. It's my dream."

James chuckled. "Let him have his swirly slide, babe."

"You just want to use it yourself."

"Maybe? Sounds like fun."

Logan grinned and lifted his lips to James, nuzzling before kissing him. "You're so cute."

"I thought I was sexy."

"That, too." Logan leaned in again when James' fingers tangled in his hair, smiling as he kissed James.

"Wow," Carlos whispered. "Look at him. He's so in love."

"He really is."

"I want that."

Kendall placed his lips near Carlos' ear. "So do I," he whispered, fighting to keep his mouth away from that beautiful skin, though his fingers did graze over Carlos' shoulder.

He glanced up when the waiter approached, clearing his throat for James and Logan. They broke apart, Logan blushing slightly, and devoted a few moments to deciding on what to have for dinner. Carlos was undecided, so Kendall suggested they each get one of Carlos' favorites and share. The bright grin he was rewarded with created butterflies in his stomach.

"You're so awesome," Carlos gushed.

"Don't forget it." He squeezed Carlos' shoulder, still not used to the fact that he could do that again because Carlos was here, right next to him and within touching distance.

"I kind of did. Like...I never forgot how great you are and how much I missed you, but things like this. I forgot what it's like to have someone...you know. Being like you are with me."

"Well, when you live here you won't forget it. Especially if you move in with me."

"So Carlos," James interrupted, and Kendall knew it was because Logan was ready to smack Kendall. "What secrets can you tell me about Logan? Awkward embarrassing moments, things like that."

"James! You do not want to hear about that. Don't even answer, Carlos."

"Well!" Carlos began. "There was this one time..."

Carlos continued while Kendall laughed, feeling whole now that the three of them were together again. It had been so long, and he didn't even mind that James was there. It felt right. He joined in eventually, sharing his own tales of Logan, who looked like he wanted to kill both of them, especially when Kendall started to talk about Logan's insane fangirling moments over James prior to them meeting.

Carlos moved away some when the food came, but not too much because they did share. Rather than making a mess and trading from one plate to another, they each picked at each others' plates and it was incredibly tempting to feed Carlos off his own fork.

_What the fuck is wrong with me? He's not a child. And I have to stop this touching, this constant need to have my hands on him._

He glanced at Logan and caught him staring, knew Logan was thinking the same thing but also feeling sympathy. He loved Logan for that, for wanting to tell him to stop but also understanding why he couldn't. Something about Carlos broke down all his defenses.

At one point Logan slid out of the booth for a visit to the restroom, and Kendall immediately asked Carlos to scoot out. He knew Logan was about to burst.

"Go on," James grinned. "I'll listen to more stories about you on the ice."

"Hey, I was good!"

"You were," Kendall soothed. "He really was, James. At least after he learned how to skate properly. Before that he was a stumbling mess."

"Dude, remember that time he couldn't stop and knocked over the whole net? Man, Logan, you were flying!"

Logan glared at Carlos once before walking away, then smiled back at James.

"You are so in love," Kendall said when they were alone.

"Look who's talking. Carlos might as well be sitting on your lap."

"If he was I'd probably be dead right now."

"You weren't kidding about the two of you growing closer. I'm starting to wonder if maybe there _is_ a chance."

"Don't, Logan. Don't get my hopes up."

"I don't want to, but the way you two are practically cuddling out there. And the way he said—"

"I'm trying hard not to read into that. Please, you're supposed to be the logical one. The one who talks sense into me. Don't you start giving me false hopes, too."

"Is he still sleeping in your bed?" Logan asked, stopping Kendall from leaving the restroom after they'd taken care of business.

"I assume so. I um. Might have said some things today."

Logan's eyes narrowed. "What sort of things?"

"He asked me if I found him attractive at all."

"What? Dude!"

"It wasn't like that. He was comparing himself to us, saying how you're smart and I'm cool and basically feeling like he has nothing going for him. So he asked me, as a gay man, is he good-looking at all? I couldn't lie."

"What did you say?" Logan leaned back against the wall, hands in his pocket.

"I hesitated. Because...I didn't want to say too much, you know? And he took that like the answer was no. So I had to make sure he knew better. Told him he's...well. That he's definitely attractive and beautiful and anyone who doesn't see that is stupid."

"What did he say?"

"Nothing. Bitch waitress interrupted us right then. And again later when I was...uh..."

"Tell me."

"I might have held his hand for a second."

"Kendall! Are you serious?"

"Not like that, just...you know. Like I hold yours sometimes. Squeezing it as a show of support."

"I'm dying to know how this goes tonight. I predict cuddling within five minutes."

"It's already planned. We talked about it last night. And again today."

"Kendall, holy shit. You might actually have a chance."

"I don't think so. I want to believe I do, but he always qualifies those statements with things like 'Not in a boyfriendy way.' He's definitely making it known it's not in a gay way. And then he keeps saying he trusts me, knows I'd never make a move on him. Makes me feel like a sleaze."

"You are not a sleaze, dude. Promise. You'd never hurt him or take advantage of him."

"Never. You keep looking at the door."

"Yeah, I...can we maybe go back now?"

"Jesus, Logan. You can't stand to be away from him for five minutes?"

"I haven't seen him in a week, okay? He's right out there teasing me with his proximity. You're lucky I allowed you ten minutes in here."

"And initiated it. I feel special."

"You should." Logan held the door for Kendall and followed him out. "He's incredible. I don't know how I lived without him for so long."

"Doesn't matter. You have him now."

"Not letting him go, either."

"From the looks of things, I don't think you have anything to worry about. He can't keep his hands off you."

"What if he gets bored?"

"He's not gonna get bored. Especially if you continue to blow him every day."

Logan grinned. "It keeps him away from caffeine. That's my excuse."

"Like you need one. Isn't there supposed to be a bodyguard with him at all times?"

"He's trying to cut down on that. For my sake, even though I told him I don't mind Jimmy around and I'd feel better knowing he was protected anyway. James says he likes his alone time with me."

"_There's_ a surprise." He laughed watching James and Carlos talking animatedly. "Look at them. BFF's already."

"It's so good to have Carlos back, isn't it? I've missed us."

"Me, too. I can't wait to have him here for good. I don't even need him as a boyfriend, I just want to see him every day."

"It's not going to be easy on you."

"It'll be worth it. I know that now. Living away from him didn't make any sort of difference. I still love him and still ache."

At that moment James glanced up to see them talking quietly and waved them over.

"Aww, he misses you. So cute I'm gonna throw up."

Just then Carlos spun around. "Kendall! Come here!"

"Right," Logan teased. "Carlos doesn't miss you at all."

"He didn't have to let the whole restaurant know." But Kendall rushed back, practically bouncing. "What did we miss?" He slid in next to Carlos, who gave him room but then scooted closer again.

James kissed Logan's cheek and pulled him close before answering. "We're doing a movie night tomorrow. After Disneyland."

Logan nodded. "Okay. Where?"

"Doesn't really matter, babe. Wherever you guys want, though my place has the best equipment. I'm assuming."

"Yeah," Logan agreed. "You guys cool with going to his place?"

"Carlos?"

"Heck yeah! Katie's gonna be so jealous when I tell her I went to James Diamond's house."

"She'll meet him soon enough," Kendall commented. "So that means we'll have to get up early and do Disneyland right when it opens."

"Works for me!"

"Of course it does, Carlos," Logan teased. "You'd live there if you could. Hey, Kendall. Think we could get him to eat a corn dog in front of us?"

"Shut up, I've eaten tons of corn dogs in front of you guys."

"Yeah, but now we've got James. And he's way worse than us about sexual innuendos."

James leaned forward with a grin. "So tell me, Carlos. You like corn dogs?"

"You guys are horrible! It's a piece of food!"

Kendall said quietly to him, "That's what happens when you surround yourself with gay men. Everything is phallic. Remember that comment you made about guys always being horny?"

"Now that's not fair," Logan argued. "Not all gay men are horny all the time. That's a stereotype."

"Oh, so it's just you?" James asked.

"Hush, it's just _you_. I'm horny all the time because of _you._"

"I'll gladly take the blame." And then they were off again, lips meeting and hands roaming.

"So we should probably get home and sleep," Kendall said meaningfully.

No response except for deeper kissing.

"Carlos? Shall we?"

"Damn, dude. I've never seen Logan like that."

"That's what love does to you. Makes it so you can't even stand the thought of being apart from someone."

"I wouldn't know."

"Let's go."

"I got dinner, guys," James broke away to say. "Meet you tomorrow at Disneyland?"

"They'll be there. Try keeping Carlos away from that place."

"The happiest place on earth!" Carlos exclaimed. He stood up and reached out for Kendall's hand, pulling him up but not releasing it once Kendall was standing. Kendall shot Logan a look as if to say _Are you seeing this? _

Logan only smiled. "Have a good night, guys. And don't be late tomorrow."

"Oh, we won't. I'll make sure Kendall's up. Really cool meeting you, James."

"You, too. Drive safe."

Still holding his hand, Carlos led Kendall away. Kendall took a chance and linked their fingers, his entire body lighting up when Carlos' thumb rubbed the back of his hand. How could even the simple brush of a finger have such an effect on him?

_I am so screwed. But he's holding my hand! We're holding hands!_

When they reached the car, Carlos let go as if it was nothing. As if it hadn't been the most incredible moment of Kendall's life.

_At least it wasn't awkward or weird. But he held my hand!_

_I am so screwed._

* * *

><p>Carlos surprised Kendall by falling asleep on the way home, just like he always had after a game or a day spent tiring themselves out as kids. Kendall pulled into his garage and watched Carlos sleep for a few minutes, glad the lights hadn't woken him.<p>

He hadn't had a moment's peace since Carlos tackled him at the airport. His thoughts were jumbled and confused and full of longing, and it was familiar but foreign because it had been over a year since he'd experienced them. This was why he'd moved away. This was why he couldn't have Carlos living with him, or even in the same state.

_You're not letting him go. We both know it._

There was Logan again, talking in his head. And as usual, Logan was right.

_It's a horrible idea to let him live with you. You'll never know a moment's peace._

But had there been any peace _without_ Carlos? The chaos had been muted, there was no question of that, but had there been _peace_? A touch of it. And it was shattered all over again the moment Kendall heard Carlos' voice on the phone.

_But look at him. So relaxed and happy. He's back where he belongs, with me and you and he loves James, and this is what he wants. To be a family again._

Yes, he was arguing with a voice in his head. He didn't much care.

_A family, Kendall. A family. Not boyfriends. A family. Families don't fuck. Or even make out._

_I'd be happy with just cuddling. Families cuddle, right?_

_Yes, Kendall. Families cuddle. Go cuddle with him already._

_Thank you, I think I will._

Yeah, he'd definitely lost it. With a sigh he shook Carlos, barely resisting the urge to carry Carlos into the house and lay him down in bed instead. Carlos opened bleary eyes and smiled when he took in Kendall's face. "Are we home?"

"We are." Fuck, that sounded nice.

After stretching, Carlos opened the door. Kendall grabbed the duffel bag before locking up the car and then unlocking the door into the kitchen. "Have a walk around. Decide if you could see yourself living here."

"That's a huge fridge. I'm in."

Kendall laughed. "It's never full. Well, the freezer is. All I eat is frozen crap."

"We'll change that. I cook pretty well now, between Logan and your mom. I even taught Katie how to make fried chicken."

"Is it all that hard?"

"It is! You have to know exactly how long to cook it, and use a breading that won't burn before the meat inside is done."

"Sounds too complicated."

"Which is why I'll be doing the cooking."

"Can I still have my little microwave pizzas sometimes? I love those things."

"Yeah, those are cool. I love them, too. Show me the rest of the place?"

When Carlos held out his hand, Kendall didn't hesitate to take it. He dropped the bag in the living room and then gave Carlos a tour, fingers linked again as they walked. He really wished he wasn't getting so used to it.

They made it to the bedroom and Kendall told Carlos to stay while he retrieved the bag and locked up the house. Carlos had risen so early he knew there'd be no argument about going to bed. When he returned to the room, Carlos was already stripped down to boxers.

"Damn. That was fast."

"I'm tired, man. I just want to sleep."

"Go for it. I'm gonna shower now so we don't fight over it in the morning."

"What? You promised me cuddling!"

"We can cuddle after my shower."

"But I won't stay awake that long," Carlos whined.

"Who says you have to be awake when we cuddle?"

"I want to enjoy it! I want to know what it's like to fall asleep in someone's arms."

And how could Kendall argue with that? He dropped the bag on the floor on Carlos' side of the bed. _We could always shower together. _He smirked to himself, knowing better than to say anything like that. "Have you never slept with a woman? I mean actual sleeping?"

"I've never stayed the night, no."

"How much sex have you had, dude?"

"Not a whole lot. Told you, it's been mostly me being the nice guy."

"How is that possible? Look at you, you're gorgeous!"

Carlos raised an eyebrow. "Why, thank you. Is this where the flirting comes in?"

He hadn't realized what he was saying, but he supposed it worked. "Maybe. Shouldn't there be flirting with cuddling?"

"I suppose. Now hurry up, I'm cold. I need my big teddy bear."

"Alright, alright. Get in bed, I'll be right there." Kendall stripped down to his boxers, wondering what he'd do if he got a boner while cuddled up to Carlos. It was bound to happen. Could he explain it away as a natural reaction?

Before he turned out the light his gaze fell on Carlos, snuggled up in his bed and looking like he belonged there.

"What? Like what you see?"

"Carlos, don't fuck with me. It's been a long time since there's been a man in my bed."

Carlos laughed. "Sorry. I'll behave."

_That's the problem. _ Kendall flipped off the light, then slid under the covers. Carlos moved to him immediately.

"Give me a second to get comfortable, dude."

"Sorry."

"It's okay, you're adorable." Once he was settled, Kendall pulled Carlos closer. Carlos rested his head on Kendall's chest, one arm draping over Kendall's waist while Kendall's right hand stroked his hair. "We're cuddling. Are you happy?"

Carlos let out a contented sigh. "Very. It's kind of like when we were kids, only we're...closer. You know?"

"Definitely closer. Though I do recall waking up with you wrapped around me a couple times."

"I got cold."

"I wasn't complaining."

"So what happens when I live here? Do we do this every night?"

"We can. At least until you get a girlfriend or something."

"What about you? Why don't you date?"

"I do. You know that."

"Yeah, I guess that's true. But you never go for a second date."

"I haven't found what I'm looking for."

Carlos tilted his face up to rest his chin on Kendall's chest. "What _are_ you looking for?"

_You. This right here, every night for the rest of my life. _ "Just...well. Something like this, I guess."

"But with an actual guy."

"What are you, a fake one?" Kendall giggled.

"You know what I mean. A boyfriendy guy. Someone you'd actually have sex with."

"Sex is definitely a plus. I miss it."

"Me, too. What's it like with a guy?"

"I can't believe we're having this conversation."

"I'm curious."

"Next thing I know you'll be asking for a demonstration."

"Dude!" Carlos laughed and slapped Kendall's stomach.

"Ow! Don't make me tie you up."

"Oh, kinky. But don't stop, I'm loving the flirting."

_Carlos Garcia, you are going to kill me. How am I supposed to not kiss you senseless?_ "Sex is basically sex, Carlos. You fuck and then you get off. Doesn't matter if it's with a guy or a girl."

"But what about...you know. Being on the receiving end?"

"What about it?"

"Have you ever?"

"I have."

"Does it hurt?"

"Yes."

"Wow. So why do it?"

"Because it gets better. It only hurts at first. Are we really talking about this?"

"We are. Think Logan tops?"

"What? We're cuddling and flirting and you're asking about Logan's sexual habits? Should I be jealous?"

"Nah. I'm just curious. I bet he bottoms."

"I honestly don't know. We haven't talked about it lately. I know he blows James plenty. Okay, really. This conversation needs to stop."

"Too weird?"

"That, and I'm getting a boner."

Carlos' eyes widened in the dark, his mouth gaping open. "Dude, really?"

"Yes. And no, I'm not gonna show you."

"That's fine, I wasn't gonna ask," Carlos laughed. "But this is cool. Being able to talk to you like this."

"Yeah. But you should sleep."

"I guess." Carlos settled back down, snuggling closer to Kendall. His knee came dangerously close to Kendall's erection and Kendall held his breath until Carlos was stationary. It was quiet for a bit, Kendall's fingers playing with Carlos' hair while the other hand rested on Carlos' arm. "I love blowjobs."

Kendall busted up laughing. "That's good to know. I think every guy does."

"I haven't had a lot of those, either. I bet guys give great ones."

"Dude, is there something you want to tell me? Are you going gay on me?"

"No, I was just thinking about that. Because guys _know_, you know? What feels best."

"Having a guy blow you does not guarantee an amazing job."

"Still. I mean, look at you. You love giving them, right? Isn't that what you said?"

"I did. And I do."

"What do you like about it?"

"Carlos, I don't know! I thought you were tired, why all the questions?"

"Because I don't have anyone else to ask!"

"Go to sleep, Carlos." _Please. Before I have to roll you over and show you why I love giving them._

"Fine. I hope you go to sleep and dream about blowjobs now, since you won't answer my questions. And wake up horny with nothing to do about it."

"Yeah, that's pretty much every night, dude. Don't flatter yourself."

"Whatever." Carlos was silent for two minutes. "Dude! We're going to Disneyland!"

"We are," Kendall chuckled.

"They have the best corn dogs. I remember that."

"And now we're back to blowjobs."

"Hey, you said it this time!"

"Apparently you bring that out in me. Can we sleep now?"

"Maybe a little more flirting first? You have a lot of years to make up for."

"We weren't even flirting."

"That's my point. Say something fun."

"Carlos, I am going to sleep. Goodnight."

"That wasn't fun."

Kendall sighed. "You'd better not be a bitch to wake up in the morning. Shit, I didn't set an alarm. Hang on." He tried to sit up, but couldn't move. "Dude. My body. Kind of need to use it?"

"Use your phone. It's within reaching distance and I'm warm and comfy."

"You are so spoiled."

"You're the one giving in."

It was true; Kendall was already setting the alarm on his phone. "I'm a sucker for a pretty face."

"Oh, that was flirty. Do some more of that."

"Okay, we need to be ready to leave by 7:30. Traffic shouldn't be too bad, but it is a weekend and Disneyland will be crowded."

"Back to boring again."

"I'm sorry I can't entertain you 24/7."

"Yeah, work on that."

Kendall shook his head, lips curved into a smile. "Fuck, I missed you."

Carlos' face lifted up to grin at him. "I know you did. I missed you, too."

And there it was, that overpowering urge to kiss Carlos, whose mouth was close enough to touch with only a little maneuvering. "Go to sleep," he begged softly. "Give me some peace."

"Goodnight, Kendall. Thanks. For this."

"Not a problem, Carlos. It's nice to have a warm body next to me."

"I couldn't do this with Logan, you know."

"I know."

"Good."

Carlos' lips were suddenly on his cheek and Kendall's breath stopped.

"Night, big teddy bear."

In a flash his head was resting on Kendall's shoulder, arms snuggling Kendall closer.

"Night, Carlos," he whispered.

_I am so screwed._


	6. Chapter 6

Author's Notes: I do not own Big Time Rush or any of these characters, and I make no money off this whatsoever.

I know Kenlos isn't a pairing a lot of people can get behind, and I admit it took me a while to see it myself, but once I did there was no going back. This is a sequel to Because I Wanted the Best, which was the story of James and Logan meeting and falling in love. Now we have Kendall and Carlos, because as I wrote that story, Kendall kept whispering to me that he was lonely. He wanted Carlos. I tend to stay away from Carlos, but in this case I gave in because...well, because it's Kendall and I can't say no to him. I explained to him it would be a challenge to make Carlos fall for him, but he said he lives for a challenge. Yeah, I don't know. So here we go.

Dedicating this to my two awesome betas,** kathrynew30** and **Aranelle**. They're both happy to see Kendall going after what he wants, and happy to see more of Carlos for once. And this is still fun to write, because it's lighter than what I normally do and makes me laugh. I hope you like it, too! Thanks for giving it a try.

Apparently I was wrong! I can't believe how many people told me they were excited to see a Kenlos fic. I had no idea there was a lack of them because I don't read the pairing much myself. Happy I was able to fulfill a need, though I'm pretty sure it won't ever happen again. This one only came about because of the other.

Two things about this chapter! One, it was **FeverRomance** who gave me the vision of Carlos jumping on the bed in excitement. We weren't even talking about this story but about something else entirely, and she put that image of Carlos all excited and bouncing in my head. So thank you, Amber, because it's way too adorable.

Second, I wasn't going to post anything tonight because my rule is I don't post a new chapter until I've written a chapter to "replace" it. I hate posting and then having nothing else written, because then who knows how long it'll be before I have something else to post? I don't know, it's just a rule I set for myself. I'm breaking it this time for **laratriv**, who had a birthday today and even though I think it's over on her end, it's still going on where I live. :P And she said my stories make her happy so this is the least I can do for her as a long-distance present. Happy birthday, Lara! I hope it got better and that this makes you smile.

* * *

><p>He was awoken by persistent shaking.<p>

"Kendall. Kendall. Kendall! Wake up! Disneyland!"

Kendall groaned and pulled the blankets over his head, burrowing deeper.

"Kendall Knight, get up and take me to Disneyland right now!"

"Five more minutes."

More shaking. "Get up!"

Kendall's response was a whiny groan, and then the entire bed was shaking under him as Carlos stood up and literally jumped on it.

"Get up get up get up get up!"

"Dude, what are you, five? Don't break my bed!"

"Then get up!"

"Noooooooo."

"Don't make me do it."

"Don't even think about it."

"I know your weak spot."

"Carlos, I just want five more minutes!"

Carlos bounced down onto his stomach and dug under the blankets until he was straddling Kendall. "Fingers in position."

"Don't do it."

"Five...four...three..."

"Carlos..."

"Two..."

"Carlos!"

"One!"

Insistent fingers dug into Kendall's sides and he squealed like a girl before flipping Carlos onto his back and pinning his wrists to the bed. "Nice try, asshole."

"Got you moving, didn't I?"

"I'm still in bed."

"We can fix that."

"I dare you to try."

"I can break your grip."

"Empty words."

Carlos fought Kendall's hold, Kendall using all his strength to keep Carlos in place.

"Damn, dude!"

"Thought you could break my grip."

"I'm not finished with you yet."

Carlos tried again, and when he gave up Kendall's eyebrows shot up at the hardness pressing into his thigh. "Um. Carlos?"

"What. Oh, that? Yeah. Told you I liked aggression."

"Wow. I should do that more often."

Carlos laughed. "You should get off me. Now I'm embarrassed."

"No, I kind of like it," Kendall joked.

"Flirt."

"Tease."

Suddenly Kendall was on his back, having not been expecting it. "Yes! Knew I'd get you."

"I wasn't prepared," Kendall whined.

"Excuses. Remember the time we played vampires and you took me down? I swore I'd get revenge one day."

"That was an awesome day. I gave you a hickey."

"Dude, I was nine!"

"How was I supposed to know sucking on your neck would do that? We were just playing vampires!"

"I think this is a good time to get my revenge."

Kendall blinked up at Carlos, his heart crashing. _He's laying on me with a boner. And he wants to suck my neck. There's no way in hell I'm gonna turn that down._ "I dare you to try."

Carlos grinned before biting into Kendall's neck. Kendall's mouth opened and let out a hushed sound, his eyes closing even though he tried to fight the arousal swimming through his body. _Fuck. Carlos, fuck. Harder. Don't ever stop. I'm never going to survive you living with me. Never._

When Carlos sucked at the sensitive skin, a tiny moan escaped Kendall. Carlos froze over him.

"Sorry," Kendall whispered. "Been a long time."

Carlos lifted his head and nodded, licking his lips. "Yeah. This is suddenly really awkward. We're both hard. I forget sometimes that you're gay." He rolled off Kendall. "So uh. I guess I should shower?"

"Go ahead."

"No falling back to sleep."

"Oh, I won't. Trust me."

While Carlos dug in his bag, Kendall desperately reached out for control. He couldn't ruin this, couldn't risk pushing Carlos away.

Just before Carlos disappeared into the bathroom, he turned back. "I don't want things weird between us, you know?"

Kendall rolled onto his side to stare at Carlos. "I don't either."

"If that...I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that. I know what it's like to be teased. And I wasn't trying to tease you, I swear."

"I know, Carlos. It's fine."

"I just don't...I didn't think about that. How it would be for you, having a guy all over you like that. If you don't want to cuddle tonight I understand."

"Carlos? Cuddling with you is the only thing I _do_ know I'm doing today."

Carlos' face lit up. "And Disneyland. We're going to Disneyland."

"Not if you don't hurry up and shower. We're already running late."

"You're the one who slept in."

"Not even. You wouldn't even give me five minutes."

"You would've turned it into a half hour."

"Time's wasting. Mickey's waiting for you."

"Shoot, it's Princess Jasmine I'm gonna be all over."

"Not if you don't get that shower out of the way."

"Woohoo!"

The door closed and Kendall laughed, though his brain wouldn't stop running through that. _It's Princess Jasmine I'm gonna be all over._ Of course it would be. Because no matter how many boners Carlos got when Kendall used force on him, it wasn't enough to turn him gay. And it never would be.

But the cuddling. Carlos didn't have to be gay to cuddle. There was still that.

And Kendall had two more nights of that to look forward to. He wasn't going to waste them.

* * *

><p>Disneyland was more fun than Kendall could have imagined, but he supposed he should've foreseen that with Carlos at his side all day. Logan and James were disgustingly sweet together, and what impressed Kendall and Carlos most is the way James never failed to introduce Logan to the fans who stopped him, making sure to mention Logan was his boyfriend. Logan blushed each time, but Kendall knew he was pleased and that James was going to get the night of his life once they made it to bed later.<p>

There was a brief discussion on the way to the park in which Carlos wanted to make sure he wasn't being too "touchy-feely" with Kendall; apparently he'd been thinking it over in the shower and realized Kendall might "take it wrong" when he did things like hold Kendall's hand. Kendall assured Carlos there was no need to worry, that he knew things weren't "like that" between them and he did, in fact, enjoy the closeness. No need to lie when he didn't have to. Carlos felt better and immediately reached over to take Kendall's hand in his as they traversed the freeway, stating that he just "liked having someone to hang with" for a change. When Kendall mentioned the fact that an outsider might assume they were more than friends, Carlos informed him that he didn't really care what an outsider might think and he didn't expect anyone else to understand the friendship between them, the one where it was okay to hold hands and cuddle but not be _gay_ together.

"We're close, and we're lonely. Nothing wrong with helping each other out, right?"

Kendall could only imagine what Logan would have to say about that, but he nodded and squeezed Carlos' hand. "Exactly. Nothing wrong with that at all."

This led to more touching than they might have done previously, their hands in almost constant contact except for the times when it was their bodies instead—arms around each others' waists as they walked, Carlos leaning back against Kendall when they stood in line. Kendall took advantage of every single opportunity to pull Carlos closer, knowing it would make things harder when Carlos actually left but unable to help himself. He kept waiting for Logan to drag him away somewhere and scold him, but all Logan really did was eye them with a smile before cuddling into James even more.

They made it until almost one before Carlos and James started to whine about being hungry, so Logan suggested they rest for a bit and eat. The only one of them who had a preference for location was Carlos, who insisted he get a corn dog. The other three smirked but agreed to it, and before long Carlos was being teased mercilessly as he sucked mustard off his food.

"You're pretty talented at that, Carlos," James joked. "Sure you've never had any practice?"

When Carlos blushed, Logan laughed and leaned back against James. "Look at him, you embarrassed him, babe."

"I've never sucked dick before, okay?"

They roared, Kendall snuggling him close. "It's okay, we won't judge you. You're doing fine."

"I just want to eat my lunch. This is still the best corn dog in the world."

"Must be, the way you're sucking on that thing."

Kendall held a hand up at James. "Enough. Let the poor guy enjoy his corn dog in peace." He leaned in to whisper, "Though it really is turning me on. You need to stop that."

Carlos' eyes widened, his head swinging over with the corn dog hanging out of his mouth. "Really?" he asked, the word garbled.

"Yes," Kendall laughed. "Remember that talk we had this morning? About how long it's been?"

Carlos grinned, pulling the food away. "Are we flirting again?"

"We can be."

"Well then." He slid the corn dog into his mouth, eyes staring into Kendall's as he swirled his tongue around and bobbed his head.

"Jesus Christ, Carlos." Kendall bit his lip, fingers digging into his own leg. He squirmed on the bench and for the first time believed Carlos knew exactly what he was doing and the effect it was having.

"Wow," Carlos said softly after removing his corn dog. "You really like that."

"Duh," Kendall answered breathlessly. "We talked about this? Remember?"

"Yeah, but...I didn't think _me_ doing it would cause all that."

"Hello, do you not remember my boner last night?"

Carlos giggled as Logan interrupted. "Whoa. You had a boner last night?"

"Oh god, why did I even say anything? Can we not talk about boners and blowjobs at lunch?"

"Oh, sure," Carlos said. "_Now_ you don't want to talk about them. Sucks when the focus is on _you,_ doesn't it?"

There was snickering across the table from James. "Sucks."

"Here he goes. We still can't go five minutes without bringing sex into it, can we?"

James pretended to scoff. "We were already talking about sex, why make me out to be the bad guy?"

"Because I can." Logan dragged him in for a kiss, James' hands sliding around Logan's waist as he deepened it.

"Do they ever stop?" Carlos asked.

"Guess not. Still want that?"

"You have no idea."

Kendall nodded. "Actually, I do. Guess I'm stuck with you in the meantime, hmm?"

"Complaining?"

Kendall pulled Carlos onto his lap. "Never. You're a great cuddler."

"So are you."

Being around James and Logan brought out the amorous side of Kendall, and before he could think it through he followed his instinct and bit Carlos' neck.

"Oh, no. No, it's my turn to get revenge, remember?"

"Gotta get away from me first." Kendall sucked harder at Carlos' neck, his fingers digging into Carlos' side. He heard Carlos gasp and increased the pressure, waiting for any hint that Carlos wanted him to stop but instead feeling Carlos' hand tighten around his bicep. "Oh, you like that."

"Fuck, dude," Carlos whispered. "That is not okay."

"Revenge for this morning." But Kendall backed off, settling Carlos down and scooting away slightly, and Carlos let him go. He probably _had_ pushed it too far this time, but the fact that Carlos was turned on kept him from regretting it.

"Hey, Carlos."

Carlos looked up at Logan, eyes a little dazed.

"Let's go get a Fastpass for the Matterhorn. And didn't you want to hit Space Mountain?"

"Yeah."

"Come on. We'll be back, guys. Don't kill each other."

James lifted an eyebrow. "I make no promises."

"Nor do I," Kendall agreed.

"Just behave. Both of you." Logan leaned down for one more kiss, which James managed to turn into a mini-makeout, before he led Carlos away.

"I'm so jealous of you."

"You'd better not be in love with Logan."

"Please, you've seen me with Carlos. Do you really believe I can even look at anyone else?"

"Not really," James sighed. "And it's sad."

"I know, I'm pathetic."

"No, I just meant it's sad that he doesn't feel the same way. Although the way he let you suck on his neck...Logan says he thinks maybe Carlos is waking up to you."

Kendall grimaced. "I'd be afraid to get my hopes up."

"And the way he was blowing that corn dog. That even got _me_ going."

"I know! Where did he learn that?"

"Maybe he watches gay porn in his spare time."

"Yeah, right."

"You never know," James shrugged. "So. You and me. We're good, right?"

"Yeah, I think so. Logan wants us to be friends, and we both love him to death, so do we really have a choice?"

"Not at all. Whatever Logan wants, he gets."

"And that right there is why we're good. Because you care about him so damn much."

"Of course I do. He's my great love." James started gathering the trash together. "He never did finish that corn dog. Should I save it?"

"I don't know that he'll ever eat another corn dog again."

"Are you _sure_ he doesn't have feelings for you?"

"We talked about it just this morning. He doesn't want things weird between us. And he asked if the touching bothers me. Then made it clear we're close, but not _like that_."

"But there was a boner last night."

"That's the kind of thing that's gonna kill me. Because he had one, too."

"Shit, dude! Take him down!"

"He trusts me not to do that. I can't."

"The way he reacted to your mouth on him, I seriously don't think he'd push you away."

"The thing is, I'm happy with what I have. If I just had him near me every day, I wouldn't even care about the sex."

"Everybody needs sex."

"True, but I've discovered it's not all that special after the first few years. I'm not missing anything."

James laughed, shaking his head.

"What?"

"You sound like me. That's exactly what I used to say about sex. It got boring."

"It's not boring, it's just not..." Kendall shrugged. "Something I have to have to survive."

"Trust me. It would be with him."

"Don't tell me that."

"The right person makes all the difference. There's a reason I can't keep my hands off Logan. Hottest fucking thing under the sun."

"No, that would be Carlos."

"My point exactly. Why don't you just make a move, dude? Kiss him."

"No way. Kissing is...no. That makes it real."

"And the hand holding is fake? The uh...cuddling? That's fake?"

"But we talked about that. He views it as an extremely close friendship between two people who are lonely and enjoy the companionship."

"That is such a load of bullshit."

"It is not! If that's what he wants, that's what he gets."

"You've got it so bad."

"Look who's talking."

"Oh, I freely admit it. I'm a slave to Logan's wishes. He got me out here today, didn't he?"

"Was it that hard?"

"Actually, yes. I get nervous in big public places like this, especially without Jimmy. I used to love it, in the beginning. All the fame, being recognized wherever I go. Now I kind of want to stay safe and be there for Logan. If anything happened to me, he'd be all alone."

"We'd never let him be all alone."

"It's different, and you know that. I'm terrified of losing him."

"He's not going anywhere."

"Not by choice. But shit happens. I don't know what I'd do if he disappeared from my life. I really don't. It upsets me just to think about it."

"Then don't think about it. Remember that he's yours and always will be."

"How did you stand a year away from Carlos? If I had Logan and then had to leave him like that, I would go insane."

"I guess because I didn't really have him. I've had him more the past two days than I ever did in Minnesota. I'm dreading saying goodbye to him."

"He's coming back, though, right? Moving in with you?"

"He says so, but I'm afraid I'll push it too far and scare him away. I shouldn't have macked on his neck like that. He freaked out, didn't he?"

"I would say...a little bit. Yeah. But that doesn't mean it's a bad freakout. He's probably freaking out because he liked it so much. I think that's why Logan wanted to get him alone, because he looked pretty lost there."

"I don't want to ruin this, James! This is exactly what I'm afraid of, what we talked about this morning. Neither of us wants things to be awkward. We just want...this. What we have."

"Along with sex."

"No, that's just what _I_ want."

"Keep doing what you did just now, he'll be wanting sex in no time."

"He started it with the corn dog thing. He did that on purpose, too. Little shit."

"All I'm saying is it's fun to mess around with each other, but eventually one of you is going to push it."

"Most likely me. I shouldn't hold his hand anymore. I shouldn't cuddle with him. I need to just...back away."

"Dude, you've got time for that after he leaves. Enjoy it while you can. We've still got movie night. I bet he cuddles with you during that."

"He'd better."

"I'll get you guys a blanket, let you have the couch to stretch out on. Turn off the lights, we can all get cozy...it's the perfect opportunity for a make-out session."

"Is that why you suggested a movie? So I can make a move on Carlos?"

James chuckled, waving a hand. "Don't flatter yourself. I plan to spend most of the movie making out with Logan. That was my thought process."

"Of course."

"Think about it. Perfect atmosphere...we can get a horror movie if you want. Does he scare easily?"

"Over scary movies? Yes."

"Bingo. How much easier do I have to make it for you?"

"Wow, you're both still alive!"

James smiled as Logan approached. "Barely. Almost died from a lack of Vitamin Logan."

"James Diamond, stop being so insanely adorable."

"Yes," Kendall agreed. "Please. It's disgusting."

"Except I was being facetious, Kendall. I happen to love it when he gets disgusting." Logan plopped down on James' lap, sliding an arm around James' shoulder.

"Oh, Kendall, I missed you so much I almost died!" Carlos did the same, fluttering his eyelashes and sighing as he laid his head on Kendall's shoulder.

"Oh, go ahead, make fun. You two know you're just jealous."

"Of _that_?" Carlos scoffed. "Not even close."

"Not even a little bit, honey bun?" Kendall asked, nuzzling Carlos' ear with his lips. "Because I can be sickeningly sweet, too. Though I might puke when it's over."

"You and me both." Carlos whispered, "Why are you hard again? Talking to James does that to you?"

"You sitting on my lap does that to me," he whispered back. "Horny guy, remember? Doesn't take much."

Carlos wiggled a little.

"So not cool. Since when are you such a tease?"

"Since you said we could flirt. It's way too much fun."

"Yeah, until I go crazy out of sexual frustration."

"But that's fun, too."

"Fuck you, Carlos."

"Maybe later."

Kendall sat up straight, shocked—not so much because he believed Carlos meant it, but because those words were exactly what Logan would have said. It showed Kendall that Carlos was relaxed enough with him now to joke about sex so freely, and if he was open to that, it was a step toward being open to other things. "You are such a little shit."

"You love me."

And of course Kendall couldn't argue that, because it was true.


	7. Chapter 7

Author's Notes: I do not own Big Time Rush or any of these characters, and I make no money off this whatsoever.

I know Kenlos isn't a pairing a lot of people can get behind, and I admit it took me a while to see it myself, but once I did there was no going back. This is a sequel to Because I Wanted the Best, which was the story of James and Logan meeting and falling in love. Now we have Kendall and Carlos, because as I wrote that story, Kendall kept whispering to me that he was lonely. He wanted Carlos. I tend to stay away from Carlos, but in this case I gave in because...well, because it's Kendall and I can't say no to him. I explained to him it would be a challenge to make Carlos fall for him, but he said he lives for a challenge. Yeah, I don't know. So here we go.

Dedicating this to my two awesome betas,** kathrynew30** and **Aranelle**. They're both happy to see Kendall going after what he wants, and happy to see more of Carlos for once. And this is still fun to write, because it's lighter than what I normally do and makes me laugh. I hope you like it, too! Thanks for giving it a try.

Apparently I was wrong! I can't believe how many people told me they were excited to see a Kenlos fic. I had no idea there was a lack of them because I don't read the pairing much myself. Happy I was able to fulfill a need, though I'm pretty sure it won't ever happen again. This one only came about because of the other.

So it has been brought to my attention that I goofed in the previous chapter. Our resident expert on Disneyland informed me that there IS in fact no Fastpass available for the Matterhorn ride. I did not do my research, and I haven't been there in ten years so I've lost my Disneyland mojo. But thank you **epicinthelibrary** for calling that to my attention, because it led to some serious bonding over our favorite song in the history of the universe and our mutual love of the Spanish recording we hear at the end of the ride. We also came up with a conversation that went on between Logan and Carlos upon discovering that there was no Fastpass available, in which Logan got pissy and Carlos calmed him down with the suggestion they return to their respective guys so Logan can make out with James some more and Carlos can suck on that corn dog. And then he'd discover James threw the corn dog away and he'd be all sad, but Kendall would cheer him up by letting him wiggle some more on his lap. I had fun with you, my crippled spirit animal! :D

I hope you enjoy this chapter. From the reviews I got on the last one, I'm pretty sure you will. ;) It's a shorter chapter, but there's a lot going on.

* * *

><p>After a huge dinner and a long drive home, the four of them gathered in James' massive entertainment room to watch a movie. Carlos and Kendall had brought along a bag for the night, already knowing they'd be staying over, and everyone changed into comfortable clothing before getting cozied up on the couches. The lights went down and the movie started, some cheesy 80's horror film that James swore was a classic. It turned out to be ridiculous, but in the best way possible, and they made fun of it more than anything else.<p>

It wasn't the movie that mattered anyway, but the opportunity to spend time together as couples, which is how Kendall was starting to think of themselves. He knew Carlos didn't, and was fine with that, especially when Carlos stretched out over him without a second thought. The blanket kept them warm while Kendall's hand rubbed absently over Carlo's back, his lips close to Carlos' hair. He didn't think he'd ever been happier than he was on this day. Waking up next to Carlos, sharing physical contact almost constantly, having Carlos laugh with him and devoting attention to him and no one else (Logan and James didn't count), it was everything he'd ever wanted. He had to admit the flirting was a little hard to bear at times, but at least since Carlos knew the effect it had on him, it was no longer awkward. Instead they laughed about it.

About a half hour into the movie James' and Logan's comments began to taper off as their mouths were busy with each other, and forty-five minutes in conversing with them became a lost cause. Kendall mostly kept his eyes on the movie but couldn't help noticing Carlos' gaze straying to them more and more.

"You okay?" he asked softly.

"Yeah. Just...wow."

"If you're uncomfortable we can go to our room-"

"No, it's fine, I'm just not used to seeing that."

"Guys making out or_ Logan_ making out?"

"Both?"

Kendall chuckled. "Really, you're not uncomfortable?"

"It's fine."

"Okay. Dude, are you stupid?" Kendall asked the character on the screen. "You don't wander off into the woods by yourself, not when you know there's a murderer around."

"I know, right? What an idiot. And look at that, his friends are totally not even paying attention because they're too busy making out in the cabin."

"So what does this guy do? Go farther away from the cabin."

"Stupid. And see? Now they're really not paying attention because—whoa. Is she going down on him?"

Kendall licked his lips. "Mmm. Definitely a blowjob."

"You'd better not get hard under me."

"Too late. Fuck, I miss that."

"Perv." Carlos grinned and bit Kendall's neck, bringing a surprised gasp out of him.

"Carlos, now is not the time."

"I love teasing you."

"It's not nice."

"But you _really_ seem to like it. A _lot_."

"Watch it or I might show you how much."

"Give me a demonstration, you mean?"

"I'm horny enough I'd even give Logan a demonstration at this point."

"I don't think James would like that."

"No, he wouldn't," James said, surprising them. "Don't even joke about it, Kendall."

"Leave him alone, he's kidding," Logan replied. "And get those lips back here."

James hummed and obeyed Logan's command, Carlos back to watching them. Kendall studied his face, trying to gauge his thoughts and wondering if maybe tonight he really should take a shot at it. There was no question Carlos was mesmerized by James and Logan; what Kendall didn't know was _why_.

And then Kendall felt a twitch against his own hardness and his breath caught. "You sure you're okay?" he whispered.

"Not really. I shouldn't be turned on watching them, should I?"

"Depends on why you're turned on."

"I'm...not sure."

"Do you find them attractive?"

"Not really."

"So then-"

"I don't know why, Kendall. I don't know."

"Okay, sorry. Didn't mean to push."

"I just want that so bad, want to be part of something like that. Someone to want me like that, to be turned on by me."

"I'm only laying under you with a hard dick, dude."

"Because you're watching it on T.V."

"You are so-"

"Okay, that's enough for me!" Logan stood up suddenly, dragging James with him. "Sorry guys, this was fun, but I need to be alone with James."

"Don't be alarmed if you hear screaming. It'll just be me rocking Logan's world."

"But we'll try to keep it down."

"Maybe."

"Goodnight," Kendall called after them.

"Don't forget, breakfast in the morning!" Carlos added. A door slammed and they both giggled. "They're so horny!"

"You are, too. You should let me do something about that."

Carlos laughed, shaking his head. "Now you're the one teasing me."

"What if I'm not?"

The movie seemed to grow loud suddenly as they were quiet, staring at each other in the darkened room. Kendall was frozen waiting for a word from Carlos, anything to give a clue as to whether or not he'd finally done it and Carlos would go screaming into the night. He felt Carlos' heartbeat against his chest, sensed that Carlos was terrified, but he couldn't recall the words.

"You wouldn't do that for me," Carlos whispered.

"I told you. I'd do anything for you."

"But this...I would never ask you-"

"I want to. You're dying for a blowjob and I'm dying to give one. It doesn't have to mean anything."

Carlos licked his lips, his cock twitching again.

"Let me do this," Kendall whispered. "I can see how badly you need it."

"But you wouldn't...it doesn't gross you out?"

"Why the hell would it?"

"Because it's me."

"How many times do I have to tell you you're hot? I'd consider myself lucky to blow you."

There was a tiny smile and a deep blush creeping up Carlos' cheeks. "Stop."

"It's true. I know I'm not what you want in life, but until you find that, can I do this much for you?"

"Kendall, I think it would make things weird between us."

"It doesn't have to. Please, Carlos. I know you miss it. Let me do this for you."

Carlos didn't reply, he simply continued to stare into Kendall's eyes as if he wasn't sure about anything anymore. Kendall sat up slowly, lifting Carlos with him and then laying him back onto the other end of the couch. Almost afraid to say something to ruin the mood, he kept his mouth shut by lifting Carlos' shirt up and kissing the warm skin below his belly button. When his lips touched down Carlos gasped and buried his fingers in Kendall's hair, bucking up slightly. Kendall closed his eyes to fight for control, amazed that already he was having trouble tamping down on his arousal.

He waited a beat, making sure Carlos wasn't about to stop him, and when there was nothing he slid his tongue beneath the waistband of Carlos' sweats, Carlos again bucking up but adding a whine this time. He was shaking but his grip on Kendall's hair was tight, the whine convincing Kendall to take the next step.

When Kendall had Carlos' sweats and boxers down to his thighs, he glanced up to meet Carlos' eyes. They were darker than he'd ever seen them, even in the lack of light Kendall could see that, and see that Carlos wanted this. He may not want Kendall to be the one doing it, but he wanted a mouth to fuck, so badly he was trembling. "I got this," Kendall whispered, then moved his head down. When his chin brushed Carlos' cock, Carlos moaned, not even trying to keep it in anymore. This wasn't going to take long.

Sensing that this might be his only chance, though, Kendall was in no hurry to finish the job. He took his time, using his tongue first, then adding his lips to it, glancing up a few times and wanting to combust at the look on Carlos' face. His eyes were hooded, mouth parted and panting slightly, and Kendall was doing this to him. _ Me. I'm making him crazy, making those sounds come out of those soft lips, making his hands pull my hair hard enough to bring tears to my eyes, and fuck I don't ever want this to stop. _

He continued to tease Carlos as long as he could, until Carlos was thrusting up into his mouth and silently begging for more. Kendall gave him that finally, groaning as he bobbed his head up and down, sucking as Carlos met each movement. "Kendall," Carlos moaned, suddenly not holding back and fucking up into the wet suction hard enough that Kendall gasped before completely losing control and swallowing Carlos down his throat, humming as Carlos slid back and forth inside.

"Kendall! Fuck! Harder!"

He complied and within ten seconds it was over, Carlos coming with little whiny noises that drove Kendall close to the edge. Not questioning the instinct, he reached into his own shorts and pumped himself a few times before he came as well, moaning around Carlos in between swallows.

"Kendall. Oh my god, Kendall. Oh my god. Fuck."

Slowly Kendall slid his lips off, Carlos' dick falling back limply against his stomach. He laid his cheek on Carlos' thigh, kissing the patch of skin he could reach. He could now die a happy man.

One hand was still tangled in Kendall's hair. It stroked over Kendall's head weakly. "I can't believe we did that."

"No weirdness. We promised."

"Right. I know. I just...wow. Can't believe we did that."

"I can't either." Kendall let out a sigh, getting his breathing back to normal.

"My heart is racing, dude. It won't slow down."

"That's the mark of good sex." There was a light chuckle, and then Kendall finally felt he could risk looking at Carlos' face again. He saw a tenderness that touched his heart.

"Uh. Thanks. You're...pretty amazing."

"It's because I love doing it so much."

Carlos nodded, licking his lips and taking a deep breath. "Did you...you came, didn't you?"

Kendall's cheeks reddened. "I was horny."

"It's cool, dude, I'm just surprised you were that horny."

"Giving head does that to me." _I'm so lying, it's all you. Fuck, let me do that again. In five minutes. Every hour on the hour. Make those sounds and pull my hair and-_

"I don't know if it's because you're a guy or what, but that was the best blowjob I've ever had."

"It's just me," Kendall grinned, eyes dancing. "You can have two more days of that if you want."

"Like I'm gonna turn that down? Jesus, Kendall. So you really like it that much?"

"You couldn't tell?"

"Yeah, you really were enjoying yourself."

"Anytime you want it, dude. Anytime."

"And you promise there's no weirdness between us?"

"Not on my end. If it's too weird for you, just tell me. I'll totally understand."

"It's a little weird, but not enough to make me stop. I'm sure the next time it won't be weird at all."

"Next time." Kendall grinned. "I like the sound of that."

"We uh...still get to cuddle, right?"

"We'd better." He sat up and stretched over to grab the remote, figuring out how to shut everything off but then it was pitch black. "Well, fuck. I can't see anything."

"I remember where our room is. Come on."

Kendall heard Carlos fixing his pants, then felt a hand grab his in the dark. He squeezed it tight, letting Carlos guide him and surprised they didn't bump into anything. Carlos found a light in the room and Kendall closed the door, blinking against the brightness.

He watched Carlos go down to boxers again before climbing into the bed, and hesitated.

"Come on, dude." Carlos patted the mattress. "No weirdness, remember?"

"It's not that, it's...I need a shower."

"Oh. Yeah. Okay, well don't take too long. We have cuddling to get back to."

Kendall smiled. "I'll do my best." He pulled out a change of underwear and disappeared into the adjoining bathroom, then closed the door and leaned against it, finally taking a moment to freak out.

_Oh my god oh my god holy shit I just blew Carlos I just sucked his dick oh my god it was amazing and I want it again want more he's so fucking perfect and his hands in my hair fuck fuck fuck so good Carlos love me please love me please don't leave don't let me be alone anymore I need you why are you so perfect fuck fuck fuck-_

He fell to the toilet, sinking down when his legs went weak.

_Wake up. See it, see what I can be to you. I'm everything you want, everything you need, open your eyes I'm everything._

With shaking hands Kendall pulled his phone out of the pocket of his jeans and texted Logan.

"_Are you awake? I need you. If you're busy I'm sorry ignore me but I need you."_

A reply came back a minute later._ "What's wrong? I heard him screaming your name. I thought that was a good sign."_

"_I blew him. I blew him. Logan. I BLEW HIM." _

"_Are you guys okay?"_

"_I don't know. I think so. I'm so scared he's gonna wake up tomorrow freaked out."_

"_Where are you?"_

"_Bathroom."_

"_Where is he?"_

"_Bed."_

"_Go to him. Don't give him time to freak out."_

"_It was amazing. I can't live without it anymore. I can't. I just fucked myself."_

"_Calm down. Go back to him. Make it okay."_

"_I need him."_

"_Kendall. Go back to him. Hold him."_

"_I can't do this. He's gonna live with me and how am I gonna not touch him?"_

"_Don't think about that right now. For tonight just hold him."_

"_I love him."_

"_I know you do. Go to bed."_

A text from an unknown number came in_. "Go to bed, Kendall. I'd like my husband back."_

Kendall frowned_. "When did you two get married?"_

"_Shut up, in my head we're married."_

"_Good thing I'm in the bathroom because I'm puking."_

"_I threw Logan's phone across the room. He says goodnight."_

"_Goodnight, guys."_

Feeling a little better and a lot more calm, Kendall set his phone down and stripped, then stepped into the shower. A washcloth probably could've done the job, but he'd needed a moment to himself.

Two minutes later the door opened behind him, and arms slid around his waist. His heart stopped. He spun around slowly to find Carlos staring up at him.

"You were taking too long."

_You're so beautiful._ "Carlos, I only have so much self-control," he pleaded.

"Let it go."

Carlos dragged him down, crashing their lips together, and it was over. Kendall pressed him up against the wall and kissed him hard, Carlos' legs coming up to wrap around his waist.

"I'm sorry, I forgot how good it feels, I couldn't stop thinking about it."

"Don't be sorry," Kendall groaned. "I know what you're feeling."

"So fucking lonely."

"I'm right here."

"Don't leave me again. Please, Kendall, don't ever leave me again."

"I won't. I was an idiot. Live with me. You can have this every night."

Carlos moaned as Kendall's hand reached between them to stroke him. "I don't know what I want. Maybe just tonight."

"Whatever you want. It's yours. I'm yours." He kissed Carlos again, desperate now that he knew for sure this was it. If Carlos only wanted tonight, he was sure as hell going to get it.

He reached out to shut off the water and then carried Carlos back to bed, Carlos clinging to him and forcing his tongue into Kendall's mouth. Once in bed he reached down again to stroke Carlos, who immediately responded by thrusting into his grip.

"Kendall...yes..."

He'd waited ten years to hear those words, to hear Carlos beg him like this, feel Carlos moving under him. The session on the couch had been amazing enough, but this time Carlos was more than a bystander; he was a willing participant, hands and mouth on Kendall as he eagerly bucked into everything Kendall offered.

"Carlos, you're so hot like this, oh my god." Kendall's lips trailed down his body, nipping at random spots until his mouth was where Carlos wanted it most, and then Kendall sucked him down again, Carlos squirming in his need to be closer, deeper. It slightly choked Kendall so he placed his hands on Carlos' hips to hold him down, and when he did that Carlos moaned loud enough to wake up the neighbors.

_That's right. He likes to be pinned. Fuck, I need this every night for the rest of my life._

Kendall straddled Carlos' ankles to keep him from moving, then reached up to grab his wrists, pinning them to the bed.

"Fuck! Kendall!"

He grinned wickedly at Carlos, who looked like he was about to lose his mind. "What's wrong? Can't move?"

"Jesus, don't tease me, hurry Kendall, hurry!"

As usual, Kendall couldn't say no. He wrapped his mouth around Carlos again, sucking with enough pressure to get Carlos up off the sheets if he'd been capable of moving, but of course he wasn't.

"Oh god oh god Kendall yes fuck Kendall fuck!"

Carlos' whole body quaked as he exploded in Kendall's mouth. Kendall took it all, waiting until the shaking had stopped a bit before releasing his grip and moving up the bed to pull Carlos close. "You okay?" he asked, kissing Carlos' temple.

"Fuck. Can't breathe, but uh...yeah. Good. You?"

"Never better." He smiled and pulled the blankets up over them, shifting so that Carlos was cuddled up against his chest. He wanted more, but knew he always would and hadn't expected to even get this much. For this reason, the smile wouldn't go away.

"Thanks. Really, dude. Thank you."

"You act like I'm doing you this big favor. I love it as much as you do, okay?"

"Well, like you said. I know I'm not what you want in your life, either, but...for now, this works."

"It does."

They laid there lost in thoughts for a while, Kendall's fingers gently brushing over Carlos' shoulder, until Carlos finally said, "Goodnight, Kendall."

The smile was still there. "Goodnight, Carlos. Today was a lot of fun."

"Wasn't it? I knew you'd love Disneyland."

"It wasn't my first time, dude. We've been there before."

"Yeah, but...today was different."

_Today was different._ That pretty much summed up everything perfectly. "It sure was."

"And we still got to cuddle."

"We'll always get to do that, Carlos. As long as you want it."

"Might want that for a long time. Even after I move in."

"And I said I'm fine with that. More than fine."

"You like cuddling with me, don't you?"

"I wouldn't do it if I didn't."

"What about the other stuff? You like that, too, right?"

"Same answer."

Carlos nodded. "Okay. Night, buddy."

Even the use of the word "buddy" wasn't enough to break through his euphoria. "Goodnight."

"Do I get chocolate chip pancakes tomorrow?"

"With whipped cream."

"Fuck yeah."

Kendall chuckled, kissing Carlos' temple one last time. "Anything you want, Carlos. Anything you want."


	8. Chapter 8

Author's Notes: I do not own Big Time Rush or any of these characters, and I make no money off this whatsoever.

I know Kenlos isn't a pairing a lot of people can get behind, and I admit it took me a while to see it myself, but once I did there was no going back. This is a sequel to Because I Wanted the Best, which was the story of James and Logan meeting and falling in love. Now we have Kendall and Carlos, because as I wrote that story, Kendall kept whispering to me that he was lonely. He wanted Carlos. I tend to stay away from Carlos, but in this case I gave in because...well, because it's Kendall and I can't say no to him. I explained to him it would be a challenge to make Carlos fall for him, but he said he lives for a challenge. Yeah, I don't know. So here we go.

Dedicating this to my two awesome betas,** kathrynew30** and **Aranelle**. They're both happy to see Kendall going after what he wants, and happy to see more of Carlos for once. And this is still fun to write, because it's lighter than what I normally do and makes me laugh. I hope you like it, too! Thanks for giving it a try.

Apparently I was wrong! I can't believe how many people told me they were excited to see a Kenlos fic. I had no idea there was a lack of them because I don't read the pairing much myself. Happy I was able to fulfill a need, though I'm pretty sure it won't ever happen again. This one only came about because of the other.

* * *

><p>When Kendall awoke the next morning, it was to find Carlos sitting at the foot of the bed staring at him. His stomach turned over, knowing something had changed between them forever.<p>

"Hey," he said quietly, voice rough with sleep.

"Hi."

"We promised no weirdness."

"No, I know."

"Why are you staring at me like that?" _Carlos don't do this please don't fuck I ruined it fuck fuck fuck._

"Just thinking about things."

"What kind of things?"

"My life."

"Okay, we're going deep." Kendall sat up, only then remembering he was naked and realizing that Carlos wasn't; at some point he'd put on sweatpants. Not just boxers, but sweatpants. Making sure he was covered by the blanket so as not to freak Carlos out anymore, Kendall leaned back against the headboard. "Need to talk?"

"Not really. Just a lot of things changing in my life right now. Megan, the move, being back here with you guys. It's a lot."

"I know." Kendall wrapped his arms around his knees, feeling awkward and hating that, hating himself for bringing this between them. "If you need to talk..."

"I know. Thanks, dude."

Kendall nodded, unsure how to continue. Yesterday had been the most incredible day of his life, from start to finish, and he'd slept with a smile on his face and the love of his life in his arms. He'd awoken to this, as he'd feared, and even though it was horrible, he knew he'd never take it back. If one day was all he was meant to have, he'd take that day and hold it deep in his heart forever.

"I'm sorry."

_I know you are. I knew you would be._ "It's okay. I just don't want to lose my buddy over this."

"No, I mean...I'm sorry for my attitude. This is supposed to be a fun time and I'm making it all serious."

"Carlos, it's totally fine. You're allowed to have deep moments." When Carlos shrugged, Kendall lowered his knees and held his arms out. "Come here."

Carlos looked up.

"Come here, let your big teddy bear make it better."

His face lit up and he went, climbing onto Kendall's lap and snuggling in.

Kendall held him tight. "You didn't ruin anything. We're still gonna have a great day."

"And you still want to live with me?"

"Of course. Nothing I want more."

"How come you don't have a boyfriend, dude? You'd make a great one."

Kendall bit his lip. "Because I'm looking for something very specific. Only one person will do."

"Maybe you're too picky."

"Maybe I refuse to settle."

"But then you might always be alone."

"So it's better to spend your life with someone who doesn't meet your needs?"

"Maybe your expectations are too high and you should consider things you haven't before."

Kendall frowned. "Like what?"

"I don't know. Just different things."

"Maybe you should do the same."

They studied each other for a few seconds before Carlos spoke. "So no weirdness? We're okay?"

"I sure hope so."

A smile graced Carlos' face. "I don't think anything could ruin us."

"Again. I sure hope so."

"I need a shower."

"I'm not stopping you."

When Carlos tried to move, Kendall tightened his arms, keeping him there with a grin.

"Liar," Carlos laughed.

"You can break free. And if you can't, even better. It'll get you horny so I can blow you again."

"I don't think you need to imprison me to make that happen."

"But the imprisoning helps the cause. Go ahead, try to break free."

Again Carlos laughed, and this time when he tried to escape Kendall let him go. They were okay again, the awkwardness gone, and that was what mattered. "Don't take too long."

Carlos paused while choosing clothes from his bag. "What, you gonna come get me if I do?"

_Fuck yes, here's the flirting again. _"I might. Or maybe I'll just let you stand in the shower wondering. Thinking about it."

"Kendall, Jesus. I never imagined I'd spend a weekend with you and want you to blow me."

"I'm just that good." He grinned at Carlos and Carlos grinned back, shaking his head.

"I won't be long."

Kendall nodded, watching Carlos disappear into the bathroom. He sighed, but it wasn't a sad sigh. _What am I gonna do with you? I should go in there._

He didn't, though, enjoying the idea of Carlos thinking about him and wondering if he was going to show up. It was a form of teasing that would have Carlos on edge all day, and that would result in a very interesting night, Kendall hoped.

* * *

><p>They piled into Logan's car, Carlos cuddled up to him in the backseat. He'd said nothing about Kendall's absence in the shower, but Kendall felt the slight tension in his body; Carlos was wound up. <em>Definitely thinking about blowjobs.<em>

Carlos got his chocolate chip pancakes, but of course when Kendall's blueberry ones tempted him he reached over and helped himself. Kendall smiled and took a bite of Carlos' as well, the taste sickeningly sweet but somehow so Carlos.

"Dude," Logan commented with wide eyes.

They looked up. "What?" Kendall asked.

"Carlos. You're letting him have a bite of chocolate chip pancakes? A piece _with _whipped cream?"

Carlos shrugged. "He's special."

"Guess so. Never thought I'd see the day anyone shared your chocolate chip pancakes. Next thing you know he'll be sucking down your Dodger dog, too."

It may or may not have been intentionally sexual, but Carlos took it that way and blushed, looking away. James jumped in. "Babe, can I suck down your Dodger dog, too?"

Logan laughed. "Always so horny."

"Is that a yes?"

"Duh. Here, have some more oatmeal."

"I don't want oatmeal. Why didn't you let me have my big omelet?"

"Because you've been eating like a child this weekend and I don't want your GERD acting up."

James rolled his eyes, but Kendall could tell he loved it when Logan took care of him. "Fine, doc." He ate more of his oatmeal. "Happy?"

Logan beamed. "Blissfully so."

"Is this a good time for me to puke, Kendall?"

"I'd say so. The bathroom's over there."

"Yeah, thanks." He squeezed Kendall's thigh before sliding out of the booth. They watched him go and then James motioned for Logan to scoot out.

"What are you gonna say?" Kendall asked, suspicious.

"Just planting a little seed, Kendall."

"Don't you dare scare him away. I'm finally getting somewhere."

"Have a little faith in me. I love the guy, I'm not chasing him away. Be right back, sexy." He leaned down to meet Logan's lips.

"Be nice," Logan cautioned.

"Like I'm gonna be a dick? What's with you guys?"

"You just have to know how to approach Carlos. You can't be blunt with him or blindside him. He's like a rabbit when it comes to this sort of thing, too much will send him scurrying away."

Kendall nodded his agreement.

"Scurrying? I married a man who uses the word 'scurrying'?"

"Not yet. But you're going to. Now hurry up or he'll be back before you even leave."

"Gone."

Logan smiled after him. "Don't say it, I already know. I'm so in love."

"Yeah, that's old news. Okay, so after I texted you last night it happened again."

"I know. I heard."

"What? How? I didn't hear _you_ guys!"

"We've gotten better at being quiet. Have to when Jimmy's around. I mean, we don't _have_ to, but out of respect for him I try to be. So instead there's a lot of whispering and when it gets really intense and we can't let it out, it makes it hotter. Dude, I'd never leave the bedroom if I didn't have to. He is _amazing._"

"Carlos is so hot. Fuck, you have no idea. _ I _didn't even know. And this morning when I woke up he was freaked out, but we managed to get back on track. I'm afraid he's gonna leave here and freak out again, over-think it. Because when it's something big, he thinks too much."

"I know. He seems okay now."

"Can I ask what you two talked about yesterday?"

Logan shrugged. "Mostly it was me fishing. Trying to gauge what he was feeling. He was pretty dazed after you sucked his neck. It turned him on."

"I know it did. I was afraid I'd pushed it too far."

"So was I. But I asked if he was okay, took the big brother route. Said if you were making him uncomfortable I'd ask you to stop."

"You did not."

"I did," Logan smiled, sitting back and sipping his orange juice.

"Are you crazy? I thought you were on my side."

"I told you, I was fishing. Wanted to see how he'd react."

Kendall nodded. "And?"

"And basically he let me know that if I said a word to you I'd be dead meat. He was dazed and more than a little freaked out, but not in any hurry to put a stop to it."

"Really? That's awesome! Explains why he was so easy to seduce last night."

"Be careful, though. He's still scared. He doesn't understand why he's feeling these things, hasn't worked it all out yet."

"No, I know that. He's got this idea we're just keeping each other company until the 'right one' comes along. And as long as I get to enjoy him in the meantime, I'm okay with that."

"Kendall, what if he starts dating again? Isn't that gonna be even harder now?"

Kendall didn't want to think about that. At all. "Can I please just enjoy this weekend before I have to go back to being tortured all the time?"

"You do it to yourself, dude. The longer you let this go on without any acknowledgement of what it is, the easier it's gonna be for you to delude yourself into thinking you have a chance."

"But you said I might!"

"At sex. I said there's a chance to get him in bed. I'm not so sure about a lasting commitment. What if you open his eyes to guys and he ends up dating one? That would be even harder to watch."

"Jesus, Logan, why would you even say that?"

"Because it could happen. If you two don't talk about this thing between you, it leaves it open for him to question your motives. You know he has self-esteem issues. He's gonna assume you just want to get off."

"But if I tell him I want the real thing, he might run. You even said that yourself."

"I know. I don't envy you. It's like walking a tightrope, you have to measure every step you take and pray you don't fall."

"Love sucks."

James' voice floated to them from above. "Is that a bad thing? I rather enjoy the sucking aspect of it."

Logan scooted in with a laugh as James joined them. "You enjoy the sucking aspect of everything."

"Only when it involves you."

"Where's Carlos?" Kendall asked in a panic.

"He's paying for our breakfast. He insisted, wouldn't let me talk him out of it. And I think he said something about trying to win a stuffed animal out of the claw machine."

"Are you kidding me? He sucks at those things."

"Go do your thing, Kendall," Logan prodded. "Be his hero."

"I always am."

Kendall found Carlos intensely focused as he maneuvered the claw around the glass box. "What are you trying to win?"

"None of your business. Go away."

"Let me help."

"No, go—aww man! I almost had it."

"Carlos, let me try."

"No way! I'm doing this on my own."

"You bought an entire roll of quarters for this?"

"It's gonna happen. Now go away so I can surprise you."

"So you can..." _Oh god, my heart. What is this thing happening to my heart?_ Tears gathered and Kendall had to turn away. "Bathroom," he mumbled, and Carlos nodded absently.

Kendall once again had to sink onto a toilet to regain composure.

_He's winning me a stuffed animal. He's always only wanted to win stuffed animals for himself or a girl. But he's winning me something. And he let me eat his chocolate chip pancakes. God I don't want to believe I don't want to hope and my heart can't take it if this doesn't go somewhere but please God don't ever let it stop. I want to be the center of his universe for the rest of my life. What am I doing to myself? This is going to devastate me if he leaves, if he doesn't love me and moves on with his life. Fuck, I'm so screwed._

"Kendall? You okay?"

_Fuck._ "I'm fine, Carlos. Be right out."

"Upset stomach?"

"Yeah." He flushed the toilet as if he'd been using it and took a deep breath. _Don't ruin this. No awkward._ He stepped out and went to the sink, washing his hands and attempting to not shake. It was ridiculous how badly Carlos affected him.

"You okay?" Carlos asked again, keeping a distance.

"Yeah. Thanks."

"If you don't feel good we can skip the game."

"No, I'm fine. Promise."

"Okay." When Kendall dried his hands and started to move toward the door, Carlos stepped in front of him. "Wait. I have something for you."

Kendall watched him bring a hand around from behind his back and then hold out a teddy bear. "So you don't forget me when I'm gone again. You can cuddle with a teddy bear and not feel so alone."

All the air left Kendall's lungs. He stared at the furry little brown thing in awe, his body numb. "Carlos," he whispered.

"Don't get all sappy on me. But I know what it feels like to be lonely, and I know it's gonna be hard once I leave. For both of us." When Kendall didn't move, Carlos urged, "Take it."

"What about you? Shouldn't you be the one cuddling with a teddy bear?"

Carlos smiled. "I already have one. Been cuddling with it since the day you left."

And that was it. Kendall broke. He pulled Carlos to him with a hand on the cheek, leaning down for a real kiss. It was the worst place for their first official one, not anything at all like he'd imagined in his fantasies, but the kiss itself was sweeter than he'd dreamed as Carlos' hand returned the gesture, caressing Kendall's face as his lips moved.

_I love you. So fucking much. I love you and I can't stand it please love me please._ Kendall was shaking with emotion, unable to even think coherently past that.

Carlos finally stepped back and smiled up at him shyly. "Here."

Kendall took the bear and hugged it close. "I'll sleep with it every night."

"You'd better." Carlos punched his arm. "Now come on, we're gonna be late to the game."

Kendall followed Carlos, knowing it would be like this for the rest of his life—following Carlos to the ends of the earth, no matter what happened or didn't happen between them.

_I'm yours. Always. _

_And I'm so screwed._

* * *

><p>The day was spent as true couples, Carlos getting a taste of what it would be like as a gay man in public. They still didn't talk about anything, but Carlos' actions would've told anyone watching that he only had eyes for Kendall, who indulged his every whim at the baseball game. Logan commented once that Carlos only loved Kendall because Kendall spoiled him rotten, and Carlos replied that wasn't the case at all—it was the blowjobs that won him over. They all laughed over that, Kendall's heart soaring at the fact that Carlos could talk about it comfortably. It made it more real somehow.<p>

There were of course negative looks and comments thrown their way occasionally, but surprisingly it didn't seem to bother Carlos in regards to himself. Instead he defended his friends, as he'd always done, Logan and Kendall having to hold him back a few times and James pleading with him to relax so as not to draw attention. As much as he loved time with the fans, Logan was his priority and anything that pulled him away from Logan when their time together was so limited was to be discouraged. Still, when he was approached he was more than courteous and made a point to introduce Logan again.

After the game they hit the beach for a late lunch and spent what remained of the day in the water. James held an impromptu beginners' lesson on surfing, Kendall taking to it easily while Carlos and Logan had a little more trouble with it, but James told Logan not to worry and that when he was off tour they'd come out every weekend for more practice. Carlos begged to be included in that and Kendall grinned, loving that Carlos had so obviously made up his mind to live out here.

Kendall moved closer to Carlos in the water while James got Logan on the board again. "I can bring you out here too, you know. I'm no James Diamond, but don't I count for something?"

"You're my cuddle buddy. James is my surfing buddy."

"That's all I am to you?" Kendall pretended to be hurt. "A nameless body to warm your bed at night?"

"No, you also give great blowjobs."

"So it's all about sex with you, is that it?"

"Yeah, pretty much."

When Kendall pouted, Carlos wrapped himself around him in the water, Kendall going down with a yelp. He got his balance back, working harder to stay afloat with twice as much weight, before Carlos said, "Shut up and kiss me."

Kendall did, the motion of their bodies rocking to keep them afloat waking up every nerve ending as they moved together. They kept going under, his muscles failing him when Carlos' tongue took over, until finally he had to push Carlos away or risk drowning them both.

"It's getting dark. Why don't we head up to the sand?" Logan suggested, and by that time all four of them were ready to be out of the ocean and wrapped up in each other.

They moved their towels and blankets to a more secluded area of the beach, then huddled together under blankets to keep warm while drying. "We should've staked out a fire pit," Logan whined, but James shook his head.

"We don't need one. I'll warm you up."

"Oh, there they go." Carlos rolled his eyes as James laid Logan back onto their blanket and pulled the other over their heads.

"Does it really bother you?" Kendall asked.

"Only in the way that I wish it was me.'

"I can fix that."

Carlos lifted an eyebrow. "Yeah?"

"Oh yeah."

His grin was invitation enough, and Kendall pulled their blanket up higher while rolling over onto Carlos, who met his kiss eagerly. Again Kendall had the thought that he never wanted this day to end, and knew it would probably be different the next day. Something about having James and Logan around encouraged Carlos to be affectionate, most likely because it was a reminder of what he was missing. He wondered vaguely if he could pay James to cancel the tour and hang out with all of them constantly, then chuckled.

"What? Do my kisses amuse you?"

"No, I just had a silly thought."

"Want to share?"

"I'd rather kiss you."

"Please."

So Kendall did, and soon enough their kisses became more demanding, Kendall's hand sliding up under Carlos' shirt to tease his skin. Carlos shuddered at each touch, so Kendall pushed his luck and tweaked a nipple, pulling a surprised moan out of Carlos.

"Fuck!"

"Hurt?"

"A little. Do it again."

Kendall lifted the shirt up and off, tossing it outside the blanket before returning to the almost suffocating heat. He used his teeth this time, teasing Carlos' nipple and then sucking it, and Carlos went insane.

"Fuck, Kendall, fuck, what are you doing to me?"

_Not stopping. Not stopping unless you tell me to._ Kendall's lips traveled up again to suck at Carlos' neck, determined to leave a mark this time.

"Oh god, that's...that's...oh my god."

Again Kendall had to wonder just how much making out there had been in Carlos' life. He made a mental note to ask Katie, who he knew had become Carlos' confidante since he'd been gone. He remembered being jealous a few times even before he moved, when Carlos would take Katie out for lunch and Katie would later tell him things Carlos had said. She never spilled a lot, but they were things Kendall wished Carlos would've confided in him.

_Just like he wished you had talked to him instead of Logan. All this wasted time._

It didn't matter now. Carlos was writhing under him and bucking up against him with a hard dick and really, nothing else mattered but making sure Carlos loved it enough to keep coming back. He sucked even harder until Carlos whined, his breathing stuttered. "Kendall, please. Please."

"Please what?" he whispered, lips moving up to Carlos' ears as his teeth bit down. _Please don't ask me to stop please I will but don't ask me to it'll kill me._

"I don't know, just..._please_."

He sounded close to tears but not in sadness or fear, it was simple desperation. Kendall knew what he needed, and also knew it was too soon. They weren't properly prepared for that at the moment anyway. Still, the need to satisfy Carlos, to give him anything he asked, was so ingrained in Kendall he too was desperate, but to do whatever it took to make Carlos happy. "Tell me what you need. Anything you ask, it's yours. Just tell me. I'm yours."

"Kendall," Carlos whispered. "Stop."

The one word that would kill him more than anything else could have. The one word he'd been dreading. It sliced him to the core, the weight in his chest too much to bear, and he bit down on a sob before pressing his face to Carlos' shoulder.

Carlos laid under him trying to breathe, but it was so hot under the blanket he pulled it away from his face, and then cold air washed over Kendall and he had to get away, he couldn't bear it, he'd known it would come to this, known eventually it would be too much and Carlos would crack.

"I didn't mean stop _that,_" Carlos said hoarsely.

And now Kendall didn't have any idea what Carlos meant, because it was all so confusing and did he want sex or not, did he want Kendall to kiss him or not, did he even want Kendall to touch him? It was too much, Kendall's head was spinning.

"Talk to me. Please. I can't lose you."

"Never lose me," Kendall managed.

"Promise me that. Swear it." Carlos' arms tightened around him.

He opened his mouth to do that, but the ache in his heart overwhelmed him, the pain was so great he wanted only for it to end. If he kept doing this, it would never end. The only thing he'd ever been able to deny Carlos was himself—it was that or fall so deep into the abyss there would be no coming back.

"Kendall, don't. You promised no weirdness. You promised." There were tears close to the surface, that desperation again, Carlos' arms like a vice because he sensed Kendall was about to run. "I swear, I won't touch you again, won't even hold your hand if that's what it takes, but please don't leave me again, I can't stand it. Please."

_Fuck. All it takes is you begging and I'm done. I can't fight you, why can't you love me? You can't do this, can't tease me like this and give me everything I've ever wanted only to snatch it away. Fuck this. Fuck you, I'm done with this. I'm taking what I want. _

He lifted his head and stared down at Carlos with an intensity that he knew scared Carlos a little, that much he could see in Carlos' eyes, but it didn't stop him. Instead it made him want to break through it, crash through that wall Carlos kept up between his heart and his head, destroy it and leave it in splinters. He held Carlos' face in place and kissed him hard, forcing Carlos' mouth open and possessing it the way he craved to possess the rest of Carlos' body. Carlos gasped, his fingers digging into Kendall's sides, and Kendall's fingers grabbed at the short strands of Carlos' hair and pulled, tilting Carlos' head to go deeper. He felt it when Carlos broke, when the paralysis shifted into something hot and greedy that had Carlos grabbing at his shirt to pull it over his head. Kendall lifted his head and arms and then he was bare from the waist up, Carlos flipping him over to devour his skin. Carlos' mouth moved over his stomach and then back up, making stops at both nipples to leave Kendall whining before he fastened his teeth and lips to Kendall's neck and sucked hard. Kendall shuddered violently, hands roaming down Carlos' back to slide into his shorts and squeezing and he knew that might wake Carlos up to the reality of what was happening between them but didn't stop, was done holding back. Carlos groaned and bucked forward, the friction enough to get both of them whining again.

"How are you so hot?" Carlos asked, biting down on Kendall's ear the way Kendall had on his, and Kendall's legs lifted to wrap around Carlos and press him closer until they were both rocking into each other and lost in it.

"It's you, it's just you," Kendall whispered. Carlos' lips found his again and they moved together, no more words necessary and hardly even the need to breathe until Carlos gave in, coming hard with his face buried against Kendall's shoulder to muffle his cry. Kendall's arms wrapped around him and held him through it, lips pressed to Carlos' hair as Carlos came down and tried to take air into his lungs.

"Come," Carlos urged.

"What?"

"Come. You need to come."

"I don't-"

"Yes, you do. It's not fair if it's just me getting off."

There was a hand suddenly in Kendall's shorts and stroking him, and Kendall stopped arguing. He bucked into the grip but Carlos lifted a leg over his thighs to keep him in place, stroking in a fast rhythm until Kendall arched up off the blanket, face frozen in ecstasy as he exploded. "Carlos," he gasped when it passed. "Carlos, fuck."

"There. Now you know how I feel. You shouldn't be left out."

"I...yeah. Okay. Fuck."

"Kendall."

The tone was serious, almost hesitant, and it cleared his head some. "Yeah. What?"

"No weirdness, right? We're still okay? I meant it, you can't leave me. Not again."

"Ah, Carlos, you're gonna drive me crazy. You really, really are."

"But you still love me, right? This doesn't change that?"

He was so eager to hear it, that Kendall still "loved" him and things wouldn't change, and even though it killed him to say it in a way that was so far from the full extent of his devotion, he nodded and smiled. "I love you. Nothing's gonna change that."

"Okay. Okay, we're good. I can handle this, then."

Kendall snuggled him close and chanced a kiss on the lips. "Always gonna love my Carlos."

"Promise?"

"On everything in this world that matters to me."

"Even hockey?"

He smiled. "Even hockey."

"Even blowjobs?"

Kendall laughed, his heart lifting as Carlos attempted to lighten the mood. "Even blowjobs."

"Okay. Cool. Want to go for a walk?"

"Sure." Glancing over at the other two, Kendall saw that they were cuddling as well, but so wrapped up in each other that he and Carlos might've been in another galaxy. "Hey, we're gonna go for a walk."

"Don't get lost," Logan warned.

"How can you get lost, Logan? You just follow the shore."

"Carlos, you could get lost in a five-by-five box."

"Not if I have Kendall with me."

Logan smirked over at them. "Good point. Take care of him, big teddy bear."

"Fuck you, Logan."

"Maybe-"

"Never," James interrupted. "Maybe _never_. You have to retrain yourself on that one, babe."

"Yeah, yeah. Go on, but don't be gone too long. It's really cold and I miss my bed."

"And your husband."

"I've got you right here."

"But at home you could have me _and_ the bed."

"Will you be naked?"

"Am I ever not?"

"I love that about you."

"I love that you participate in the nudity."

"Carlos, can we go now?"

"Please." He stood up and pulled Kendall with him, both of them shivering in the night air.

"Keep me warm, though, big teddy bear."

"That's my job." He wrapped an arm around Carlos' shoulder and pulled him close, looking forward to a peaceful walk along the beach with the man of his dreams.


	9. Chapter 9

Author's Notes: I do not own Big Time Rush or any of these characters, and I make no money off this whatsoever.

I know Kenlos isn't a pairing a lot of people can get behind, and I admit it took me a while to see it myself, but once I did there was no going back. This is a sequel to Because I Wanted the Best, which was the story of James and Logan meeting and falling in love. Now we have Kendall and Carlos, because as I wrote that story, Kendall kept whispering to me that he was lonely. He wanted Carlos. I tend to stay away from Carlos, but in this case I gave in because...well, because it's Kendall and I can't say no to him. I explained to him it would be a challenge to make Carlos fall for him, but he said he lives for a challenge. Yeah, I don't know. So here we go.

Dedicating this to my two awesome betas,** kathrynew30** and **Aranelle**. They're both happy to see Kendall going after what he wants, and happy to see more of Carlos for once. And this is still fun to write, because it's lighter than what I normally do and makes me laugh. I hope you like it, too! Thanks for giving it a try.

Another short chapter but again—a lot going on and it's a natural place to break. I've had a lot of people ask how long this story's gonna be and I honestly don't know. I know there are at least 3 or 4 chapters after this one. And there will be a final chapter that's set in the future to wrap it all up, an epilogue of sorts.

So not to ruin the song for anyone, but I have to share this because it hit me so hard. The first time I heard "No Idea"...when Kendall started singing and I listened to the words, I cried my eyes out. And then Carlos came into the second verse and the lines he sang...all I could think of was this story and it's just so perfect for this and I hope I didn't forever ruin the song for you guys but...wow. It runs through my head now when I write these two and it's so beautiful. I just had to share because songs are so important when I write. They influence a lot of my words.

* * *

><p>Surprisingly, it <em>was<em> peaceful. Carlos had calmed down a lot over the years, but he still had the potential to be crazy and ridiculous at times and this was one where he was content to stay mostly quiet and enjoy the moment. Kendall didn't speak much either, not sure what he could say that wouldn't be "I love you, don't ever be with anyone else again, make me yours forever." So instead he said it through touch, through an intimacy that was quickly becoming the norm for them.

When they turned to head back, Carlos asked, "Has it been hard for you? Dating guys?"

"Hard in what way?"

"Like...earlier today. Those guys at the game. Being assholes and calling James and Logan fags when they kissed. Do you get a lot of that?"

"Honestly, I don't date enough for it to be a problem."

"But before you moved and we used to double, there was some of that. I remember."

"Yes, I do, too. Like that time you almost got us kicked out of the movie theater when that woman told me and my date to knock it off in public?"

"That's what I'm talking about. And all you guys were doing is holding hands, dude. How do you not go crazy over things like that?"

Kendall shrugged one shoulder. "Mostly you ignore it. You don't pay attention to the looks, and there really aren't as many people vocal about it as you would imagine. Not in this day and age. And when it _does_ happen, you don't challenge them to uh...what was it you said today? 'Come over here so I can _show_ you how unmanly they are?'"

"I couldn't help it, okay? Nobody fucks with my boys."

"What about with you?"

"Me?"

"Well, I'm sure he was referring to us as well. It's not like you were acting straight."

"True, but I don't care about that. People can say whatever they want about me, it's when they mess with my buddies I have a problem."

Nodding, Kendall squeezed Carlos' shoulder. "In that, you and I are very much alike."

They were silent again for a couple of minutes until Carlos looked up. "So you gonna sleep with that teddy bear?"

"Like I wouldn't? How long are you gonna make me wait for you to come back and take its place?"

"It all depends on what we find tomorrow. I hated the places we looked at Friday."

"So would Katie. I'm surprised Mom is letting you two run this."

"She's too busy to do it herself, so she doesn't have a choice. She did say she was glad you would be with me, though. And I take no offense to that."

"She knows you well. So how much does a swirly slide even cost?"

"No idea. Does it matter? I thought you promised me anything I want," Carlos teased.

"I did, and no, it doesn't matter. If you really want one, we'll have one put in."

"You're the best, you know that?"

"I've heard it before." _And if I'm the best, why am I not the best for you?_ "So are we talking weeks? Months? Before you move here for good?"

"Probably at least a month. Man, that's gonna suck. We can still webcam, right?"

The memories of aching loneliness returned to Kendall, but all he said was, "If you want to."

"Of course I want to. And our teddy bears can talk to each other before bed each night."

Kendall stopped walking, chuckling and looking down at Carlos incredulously. "Did you really just say that?"

"Of course I did. I insist on that, because my teddy bear already has a crush on yours."

Kendall's heart stopped. "Does he?" he asked lightly, wondering if Carlos was using the teddy bear to speak for his own feelings.

"Yeah."

"They haven't even met yet."

"It doesn't matter. He already knows."

"Wait, it's a he? Because mine's a he, too. Is that gonna be a problem?"

"Being gay isn't wrong, Kendall."

"You don't have to tell _me_ that."

"Obviously."

Logan's voice called out to them as they approached. "Guys, come on back! We're freezing! Can we go now?"

"He's wrapped in a blanket and _he's_ the one freezing? Plus he's got that big guy all wrapped around him. What a wuss."

Kendall laughed. "Come on, the sooner we get back the sooner we can get home and to bed. We have to be up early in the morning."

"I don't want to leave tomorrow."

"I don't want you to."

"It's gonna be weird being home again. I feel like my life's changed and I don't belong there anymore."

"It's only for a little while, Carlos."

"I know."

"What did you decide about Megan?"

"Dude, I don't know. There's just so much in my head right now I don't even know what to think."

"Can I talk to you as a friend who only has your best interests at heart and isn't saying any of this because he wants to blow you again?"

Carlos glanced up in surprise. "You're gonna tell me to break up with her, aren't you?"

"I'm just gonna say that you can do better. I mean it, you deserve so much more than that."

"Yeah, that's what Logan told me, too."

"When?"

"Yesterday at Disneyland. We talked some about her."

"Oh. Well, see? It's not just because of the blowjobs. He feels the same way and we know _he_ doesn't want to blow you."

"You still do, though, right?"

"Duh."

"But what if I don't find someone to replace her? I don't want to be alone."

"Being alone isn't the most horrible thing in the world. Especially when being with someone means getting walked all over. And dude, I'm never gonna let you be alone. Date whoever you want, but when there's no one I'll be your teddy bear and keep you warm at night."

"What if you're dating someone and I'm not? I can't ask you to still sleep with me."

"Let's not worry about that and just enjoy each other when we can."

Carlos grinned. "Deal. Can I enjoy you tonight?"

"You're addicted to my blowjobs, aren't you?"

"You're addicted to giving them."

"So we're a perfect team, then."

"Fuck yeah."

They laughed and Kendall pulled him in tight, pressing a quick kiss to his lips. "Dude, you're freezing. Come on, let's get you warm."

"That's what I like to hear."

* * *

><p>The ride home was spent huddled together again, partly because they were cold but mostly because they could. It was starting to set in that Carlos would be leaving within twenty-four hours and their touches were becoming a bit desperate, even the simple holding of hands being more like talons clutching each other. Logan drove them to Kendall's and they all exchanged hugs, James and Carlos talking about how they couldn't wait to get together again. In a strange way they both felt like intruders in the friendship between Logan and Kendall, though both would have told them they were ridiculous. Either way it was a bonding point for them, being the outsiders in the lives of the other two, and each looked forward to the day when they could stay permanently and make it a "new" world where it was the four of them rather than two best friends and the guys who popped in occasionally.<p>

Kendall and Logan made plans for dinner the following night, both of them knowing they'd be miserable since James was also flying out the next day. When Logan hugged Carlos, he said, "Remember what I said. Think about it. Happiness comes in all shapes and sizes."

Carlos smiled. "I will. Thanks, dude."

Kendall shot Logan a questioning look, but Logan shrugged and turned away to follow James to the car.

"What did he mean by that? About happiness and shapes and sizes?"

"Just something we talked about yesterday. Can we order pizza?"

"Pizza? You're distracting me with pizza?"

Carlos spun around after dropping their bag in the entryway, watching Kendall close the front door. "Would you rather I distracted you another way?"

Lust swirled up through Kendall's body and he met Carlos' eyes, pinned to the door by the intensity that was returned in that dark gaze. _Oh fuck, look at me like that forever._ Kendall launched himself forward to smother Carlos in the heat that was overpowering him, but Carlos held him off with a hand.

"Wait, don't crush Carlos."

In his current state, the words made absolutely no sense to Kendall. "I...what? I'll be careful."

"No, I mean_ this _Carlos." He snatched the teddy bear out of Kendall's hand. "Let's make sure he's safe before we...do that stuff."

"His name is...Carlos?"

"Of course it is. And Kendall's back home waiting to cuddle with me when you can't."

_Jesus fucking Christ, Carlos, my heart cannot take this shit. At all. Will you just be my boyfriend already so we can stop playing these games? _

"I'm gonna leave Carlos here on the couch for tonight, and then tomorrow night you can take him to bed with you. Because, you know. I won't be here."

His heart screamed to wipe that frown off Carlos' face. "You're here tonight. Let's not waste it."

They barely made it to the bedroom, Kendall carrying Carlos after lifting him off the floor. It was a clumsy trek up the stairs but one filled with kisses and caresses and a lot of desperate sounds, and once they reached the bedroom it was less than a minute before each was naked and groping the other in the dark. Carlos fell onto the bed, pulling Kendall down over him and wrapping his legs around Kendall's waist as if he couldn't get close enough. They writhed together, the need expressing itself through kisses and almost painful touches as fingers dug into and pinched bare skin.

"You miss it, I know you miss it, you said you liked it, let me return the favor," Carlos hissed in his ear.

_Holy fuck, he wants to blow me? Fuck yes fuck yes fuck yes._ "You don't have to, I don't mind doing it." _But please blow me please blow me those lips around me fuck fuck fuck._

"I want to, I fucking miss it too, and I promise I'll go slow, whatever it takes."

Kendall's head swam. "Miss...but you said..."

"You said fucking was fucking. I'm sure it's just as good with a guy if that's the case."

_Fucking. Sex. You fucking want sex?_ And there went Kendall's brain. "Carlos. Hey. We don't have to do that. That's a big step and-"

"Did you not hear me say I miss it, too? What do I have to do, beg? If you don't want to, that's fine, but I'm dying for a fuck and this might be my only chance for a long time."

"Carlos, Jesus Christ, you're gonna fucking kill me! Are you seriously offering me sex?"

"Only if you want it. And if it doesn't ruin anything between us."

_Ruin anything between us. I've been ruined since the first time you held my hand, you little shit._ "Oh, you asked for it now. Because there's no going back, Carlos. You want to do this, we're doing this, but you don't get to change your mind at the last minute. You got that? If you want this, tell me now and it's gonna happen no matter what you say in five minutes."

"Yes, Kendall, fuck, would I even have mentioned it if I don't? Just tell me what to do and I'll try to make it good for you."

"Try to make it...you really are just so...fuck. It's on. Move over." Carlos complied, Kendall feeling the tension in his body as he did, but like most things in life Carlos was ready to jump into this headfirst. He watched Kendall dig out a bottle of lube from his nightstand, eyes wide with anticipation and a little bit of fear as well. "It's okay," Kendall soothed, running a hand down Carlos' arm. "It won't hurt for you. Unless you're super sensitive, but if that was the case you would've been dead years ago."

"Yeah, I'm a little clumsy," Carlos smiled. "So we're really gonna do this?"

"Your last chance to back out and I'll still love you if you do."

"I'm not turning down an offer for a fuck."

"Smart man." Kendall kissed him, using one hand to prepare Carlos and loving the way Carlos was thrusting into each stroke of his hand. "You need more sex in your life."

"We both do. I think I may never leave once I move in with you."

"Don't tease me."

"Kendall, I think maybe—oh fuck, you have magic hands. That's so good and all you're doing is touching me."

_Remember that. Nobody makes you feel like this._ "Let me control the pace, okay? It's been a long time and I'll need to adjust."

"We've got all night, dude. Take your time."

"Oh, I plan to. And if you like it, we can do it again. And again. And again."

Carlos moaned, his body quaking. "Quit teasing me and do this already!"

"It's okay, I got you. I'm right here." Kendall quickly moved to straddle Carlos, getting into position before meeting Carlos' gaze. "Okay?"

"Fuck, hurry!"

That was all the urging Kendall needed. He lowered himself slowly, groaning at the burn when Carlos pushed into him but Carlos kept his word and resisted thrusting, though it was obvious how badly he wanted to.

"Oh god, so tight, this is crazy, no wonder gay guys are always horny!"

Kendall giggled, and it occurred to him that Carlos was probably the only person in the entire world who could get him laughing during sex. "It's pretty amazing. Just give me a minute, and I'll let you move."

"Yeah, dying to do that. But fuck, dude. Wow. This is...wow."

"Gonna go gay on me, Carlos?"

"If I did, you'd be the first to know. Trust me."

"I...thank you. That means a lot."

"You're my best friend, dude. Now let me fuck you."

The absurdity of that statement hit them at the same time and they laughed, the act causing Kendall to bounce slightly, and suddenly Carlos wasn't laughing anymore.

"Fuck. Holy shit. Move, Kendall. Please."

Kendall did, slowly at first but picking up the pace as Carlos lost the ability to form coherent words. He watched the expressions flitting over Carlos' face, mesmerized by that more than anything else and tailoring his movements to bring about more and more pleasure and finally the only word that could leave Carlos' mouth was Kendall's name, over and over as Kendall moved.

"Let it go," he whispered when he knew Carlos was close.

"Don't want it to end," Carlos said in a rush.

"We have all night. Trust me, we'll do this again."

"Promise?"

"As long as you want it. I'm yours."

"Kendall, fuck, don't, I can't-" He never finished the thought. A shuddering gasp overtook him and he let go, Kendall in love with the way his face looked as he came. A few strokes to his own cock and Kendall came, too, back arching as the orgasm rocked him. He collapsed forward and Carlos' arms came up to hold him there, the two of them focused on nothing except the need to breathe.

Eventually Kendall went to move off him, but Carlos didn't allow it. "Stay right here," he said softly, arms tightening around Kendall.

Kendall was more than happy to comply, and they fell asleep like that, both inside and around each other.


	10. Chapter 10

Author's Notes: I do not own Big Time Rush or any of these characters, and I make no money off this whatsoever.

I know Kenlos isn't a pairing a lot of people can get behind, and I admit it took me a while to see it myself, but once I did there was no going back. This is a sequel to Because I Wanted the Best, which was the story of James and Logan meeting and falling in love. Now we have Kendall and Carlos, because as I wrote that story, Kendall kept whispering to me that he was lonely. He wanted Carlos. I tend to stay away from Carlos, but in this case I gave in because...well, because it's Kendall and I can't say no to him. I explained to him it would be a challenge to make Carlos fall for him, but he said he lives for a challenge. Yeah, I don't know. So here we go.

Dedicating this to my two awesome betas,** kathrynew30** and **Aranelle**. They're both happy to see Kendall going after what he wants, and happy to see more of Carlos for once. And this is still fun to write, because it's lighter than what I normally do and makes me laugh. I hope you like it, too! Thanks for giving it a try.

I really shouldn't be posting this since I don't even have the next chapter done, but I feel like I have to get it out before I can properly move on to the next "chapter" (literally) of their lives. There's just so much emotion invested in their time together and the next piece will be a time of reflection for both of them. So I'm getting it out and closing this chapter so I can focus on their future. The next chapter won't be for a little while, I think.

In case I haven't said it enough, thank you for reading this and for letting me know you love it. Reviews truly do spur me on and make me want to write more, and as a lot of you know they also give me ideas when we discuss the story with each other. I love the conversations I have with you guys and getting to know you and what you like (and don't like) about the story. It helps more than you know. I love you guys. :)

And again, thank you **kathrynew30** and **Aranelle** for riding my ass all the time to write more. Obviously it's working, I've written more in the past two weeks than I've ever written in like a month. This story, these characters, OWN me. Not just Kendall and Carlos, but James and Logan as well.

OH! I'm so happy you guys are still enjoying the Jagan in this! They're so much fun to write. And of course are my favorite pairing, so they have that going for them. James and Logan own my heart. Though I must say Kendall and Carlos are gaining on them.

Why am I still talking? I don't know. Maybe because it's midnight and I've been up since five. Shutting up so you can read more important things.

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><p>Kendall woke up in a panic the next morning, terrified he'd open his eyes to see Carlos either staring at him from across the bed again or even worse, not there at all. His fears were unfounded, though, because Carlos was snuggled up to his big teddy bear and snoring softly, looking as if he was having peaceful dreams.<p>

Kendall placed a kiss to his hair and ignored the need to hit the bathroom, wanting cuddle time with Carlos to last. Within minutes, though, his alarm went off, still set from the previous day, and he groaned.

Carlos shot up. "Wha...is it...man, do we have to get up already?"

Reaching for his phone, Kendall answered, "No, but we should if we want to get breakfast first. And I need to shower."

"Oh. Well, coincidence, so do I."

"Wow, you woke up fast. Two seconds ago you were whining about having to get up."

"There's the promise of shower sex in my future. It's one of my fantasies."

"You didn't get enough last night? How many times did you wake me up for sex?"

"Four. And no, never enough. And now? Shower sex. Kicking ass on my bucket list this weekend."

"Really? What else have you crossed off it?"

"That's none of your business. Let me fuck you in the shower, and then I'll give you a break for the rest of the day."

"I wasn't complaining." He walked to the bathroom, still amazed that it had come to this, where they were walking around naked in front of each other and it wasn't weird at all.

Carlos waited for him to finish peeing before entering the room, doing the same while Kendall got the shower going. "So what time is our first meeting?"

"Ten. And it's downtown, so we need to leave time to combat traffic."

"We can do a quickie breakfast if you want."

"Oh, I'm good with quickies."

Carlos laughed. "I've figured that out."

After one more mind-blowing fuck, they rushed through their shower and breakfast, Kendall driving them to their first stop. When they turned into the Staples Center parking lot, Carlos' eyes narrowed. "I don't remember there being an appointment in this area."

"What do _you _know, you haven't seen the list since you gave it to me Friday. You probably just forgot."

Kendall greeted the man working the security booth, exchanging a few laughs before pulling around to a back entrance.

"Kendall. Are you fucking serious?"

"You wanted to skate, didn't you?" He parked and shut the car off, turning to smile at Carlos.

"You're...I'm...we're gonna play hockey in a real live hockey rink?"

"If you don't want to, we can-"

"Fuck you, Kendall Knight! Let's get in there!" Carlos jumped out of the car, bouncing on his feet. "I can't believe this! I watch you play here on T.V. all the time! I really get to play?"

"I could only get us an hour, but it's better than nothing, right?"

"It's _better_ than better! It's awesome! Dude!"

Seeing Carlos so ecstatic and knowing he put that huge grin there was all Kendall would ever need for the rest of his life. He led the way into the building after knocking at a door and being allowed in, Carlos practically jumping at his heels.

"Do I get to see the locker room, too?"

"Yes, that's where the gear is. You'll have to use a spare pair of skates, I didn't see yours at the house."

"I never did pack my gear. I was going to after we talked but then Megan called and...you know. Everything else flew out of my head."

"Mmm, yes. The promise of sex will do that to you."

"I'm gonna miss that while I'm back home."

"Does that mean you're taking my advice and dumping her for good?"

"I haven't decided. But it's not like she's gonna let me do her, anyway. Not without putting me through the paces first."

"Dude, do yourself a favor. Just let her go. You don't need that shit."

"Wow, this place is pretty deserted."

Kendall let the subject change stand. "Yeah, they're doing a little work but our practices don't start up again until next week."

"It's cool. We can have the whole rink to ourselves."

"We can." Kendall opened a door and ushered Carlos into the locker room.

Fifteen minutes later they were on the ice and shooting a puck back and forth, laughing as they tried to take each other down. It was half an hour before Carlos called a surrender. "I give up! You win! It's been way too long since I played. I'm rusty."

"We'll go with that and pretend I didn't used to kick your ass all the time."

"Dude, it's your job! Of course you're gonna kick my ass now."

"And _before _it was my job?"

"Whatever." Carlos tossed his stick down onto the ice, winded. The gloves and helmet joined the stick, then Kendall copied Carlos.

"We still have twenty minutes or so, if you wanted to just skate."

Carlos gave him a sidelong glance, considering. "I'd like that."

With a grin, Kendall grabbed his hand and led him away, the two of them talking quietly as they skated around the rink. Ten minutes in there was a burst of pop music, then it was gone, then it came back.

"What's that?"

"They must be running tests on the sound system. Didn't you used to love this song?"

"I did! Man, haven't heard it in years." Carlos started dancing on the ice, some funky move that had Kendall cracking up.

"No, try that new move you showed me!"

"Oh! This one!" He attempted it, almost losing his balance. "It's hard on the ice. Wow."

"Don't hurt yourself. Come here, dance with me." Kendall grabbed his hands and started moving awkwardly to the beat, Carlos giggling because he looked so ridiculous, but he joined in and they spent the next ten minutes dancing together, Carlos showing off impressive coordination that only seemed to accompany him on the ice. Kendall spun him a few times, even managing a lift once but it didn't last because they both started laughing so hard.

"Fuck, I love this," Carlos said when it was time to go. "I can't wait to live here permanently."

"It's never gonna be boring. And I get a home-cooked dinner every night."

"When you're home, yes. I know you travel a lot during the season."

"I do, but it's not as bad as James since half of my games are home. I'll be here more than you think."

"Glad to hear it."

They stashed everything in the locker room and took quick showers, then dressed and headed back to the car.

"So we didn't miss any appointments, right? Because your mom and Katie would kill me."

"No, our first one is in half an hour. We should just make it."

They met with three realtors before taking a lunch break, then two more after. The last place seemed to possess everything they were looking for, but Kendall hated it. Hated everything about it, wanted to leave within the first three minutes because the woman who met them there was flirting with Carlos unashamedly. Unfortunately she was also pretty, smart, and the type of girl Carlos always fell for. It took Carlos a good ten minutes to pick up on the fact that she was being more than polite, but once he did he couldn't stop smiling. _And_ flirting back. _And_ being the perfect man that he was.

When she stepped away to take a phone call, Carlos whispered, "I think she likes me."

Kendall only shrugged.

"Should I ask her out?"

"When the hell do you have time to date her? You're leaving in two hours."

"Oh yeah. Damn."

_Fucking shit, this is exactly why. This right here. This is why you don't let yourself fall, this is why you moved away. Nothing's changed, Kendall. Nothing. He fucked you and it wasn't enough to change his mind. Not even that could do it._

There had always been a tiny spark of hope in Kendall, the idea that Carlos didn't want him because he never gave it a chance, because he didn't know what he was missing. He never believed Carlos would ever find out, so it was bearable. Now he knew better. Carlos had him, had _all_ of him, and nothing had changed. What had been the most incredible event in Kendall's life had been...what? Kendall didn't even know what it had meant to Carlos. He wasn't sure he wanted to.

"Is there a bathroom nearby?" he asked when she returned.

"Uh, the one right through there. We kept it working for the construction crew."

Kendall nodded and moved blindly toward the little room, hearing Carlos explain something about Kendall's "stomach troubles" as he closed the door.

_Don't break down. Do not do this here. He'll be gone in two hours and you can fall apart then, you can cry on Logan's shoulder and let him make you dinner and listen to him say "I told you so." And then you can figure out what to do, because this shit right here isn't gonna work when he moves in. It's even worse now, you had it but you never really did because it was never yours. He'll never belong to you the way you want him to. Accept it. Accept it or go fucking crazy._

Kendall leaned against the door, forehead pressed to the cool wood, tears streaming down his cheeks. He willed them to stop, told himself this wasn't the place, and suddenly his phone vibrated in his pocket.

_Logan. What would I do without you?_

Sure enough, it was a text from Logan. _"You okay?"_

"_No. How did you know?"_

"_Figured you'd be getting sad now because I am."_

"_I'll bring the cheesecake."_

"_I got stuff for chili."_

"_Cornbread."_

"_Done. Get here as soon as you can, he's leaving in an hour."_

"_Two hours."_

_"See you then."_

Kendall wiped his eyes, pocketing his phone and taking a deep breath.

"Dude, you okay?"

"Yeah, be right there."

_Pull yourself together, big teddy bear. Send him away with a smile._ He opened the door to find Carlos waiting with a look of concern in those gorgeous brown eyes.

"I'm fine."

"Was it something you ate, dude? Maybe at Disneyland?"

"Probably. Too many corn dogs for me," he smiled.

Carlos grinned. "Never too many of those."

"Right. So where's...what's her name?"

"Jenna. She's calling the owners of this place. I told her we'd take it."

"Good, it's perfect. Mom and Katie will love everything about it."

"There's no place for a swirly slide, but I guess I don't need one at work if I have one at home, right?" Carlos nudged Kendall.

"Yes, Carlos, I'll have it installed by the time you move."

"Awesome."

Jenna returned. "Okay guys, the owners will fax a lease agreement over to the Minnesota office, and when Ms. Knight is ready she can just contact them directly. But if you have any questions, feel free to call me, Carlos. I wrote my cell number on the card I gave you."

"Oh, cool. What if I have questions like...do you like Mexican food? Can I call you about that?"

"I think if you did, the answer would be yes, I do. I also like pizza and beer."

"Whoa. I'll be moving here in about a month, I'll remember that."

"I hope so." She smiled at him while locking up the building and Kendall wanted to kick in her perfect white teeth. "It was nice meeting you. And you too, Mr. Knight."

He didn't even try to smile, possessiveness overwhelming him like never before.

"Have a good night, guys. See ya, Carlos." With a cute little wave, she walked to her car.

"Did you hear that? She totally wants to have dinner with me. Pizza and beer! It's like she's you, but in female form!"

Kendall stared at Carlos, speechless. He'd said it, said what was basically the point of their entire weekend together.

"How cool is that?"

Kendall stalked away, shaking his head. _Fucking Carlos. If I was female, you'd date me. I'm not, so you won't. What the fuck can a woman give you that I can't? Fucking Carlos and your fucking stupid brown eyes and emoticons and face that lights up when you see me. But I'm not enough. Fuck you, too._

"Dude! Talk to me!"

"We're running late. I don't want you to miss your flight and we still have to get your stuff from the house first."

"But isn't it cool that she wants to date me?"

"Beautiful. You guys can have pizza and beer and fuck all night."

"Sounds like a perfect date. Doesn't it?"

_With you, yes. Fuck, you're all I want and it's going to be like this for the rest of my life._

Kendall managed to calm down on the ride back to his house, vaguely listening to Carlos babble about plans for his office and the next month and blah blah blah. It was the first time he could ever remember feeling this way, that he just wanted Carlos to go away, and it broke his heart. This had been his biggest fear, that things between them would change for the worse, that he'd resent Carlos. It was what Carlos feared as well, and he wondered if maybe he'd had the right idea before Carlos came to visit. No more webcam dates, cut down the phone calls to a few times a week.

_But how does that help when he lives with you? What will you do then?_

Maybe by then, after a month or so of speaking less, they'd get back to the less intense friendship they'd shared before all of this craziness invaded his world. And in that month Kendall would start dating again and meet the one who could take his focus off of Carlos for five minutes, long enough to squeeze past the huge teddy-bear-shaped wall that Carlos had built in his heart all those years ago.

Sitting at a red light, Kendall glanced to his right and just looked at Carlos, drank him in. The little black spikes of his hair. The way his eyebrows curved perfectly over the eyes that were like dark chocolate. The bright smile that lit up his face when he gushed animatedly. Even his ears. His stupid ears that were somehow adorable and those_ lips_. Kendall knew how they felt on him, knew the taste of them on his tongue, knew how those teeth felt scraping over his skin.

_Perfect. You're so fucking perfect in every way except that you don't love me. You don't want to have me for the rest of your life because in your mind, there's something better out there. Why can't you see it, that I live to give you everything you'll ever want? Anything you ask, it's yours. Nobody else will be this for you, Carlos. Nobody knows you like I do. If I could find you a woman who would do this for you, who is everything you need, I'd give that to you. Anything to see my Carlos happy._

_The worst feeling in the world is wanting to be perfect for someone who is perfect for you and knowing you aren't._

"Dude, the light."

Kendall faced forward and started driving again, fighting off tears. Carlos needed to be gone now.

* * *

><p>Traffic made their goodbyes rushed. It was probably for the best, considering Kendall was having a terrible time resisting throwing his arms around Carlos and begging him to never leave his side again. He'd seen movies where people dropped to the ground and hugged an ankle while the other person tried to walk away, and that was pretty much what his heart was screaming at him to do. Instead he made sure Carlos had his identification and ticket ready for security and that Carlos remembered to call when he landed so Kendall knew he arrived safely.<p>

"You're as bad as my mom," Carlos joked.

"You know I worry about you."

"I love it. Don't forget to sleep with Carlos tonight."

A woman ahead of them in line turned around with a raised eyebrow.

"What, you got a problem?" Carlos challenged.

She shrugged and faced forward again.

"Man, people are homophobic. Pisses me off."

"Carlos. Calm down." _And we won't even get into that conversation._ "I won't forget about Carlos."

"I'll make sure when we webcam. I expect to see him sitting in your lap."

The woman turned around yet again, and Carlos opened his mouth.

"Carlos! It's fine! You said you didn't care what people thought."

"I don't, it's just...I don't like people who judge when they don't know the whole story. For your information, Carlos is a stuffed animal. So there."

The woman smiled. "I was just going to say that my son is gay and has a very hard time being out and proud. I was going to commend you both for being so open and unashamed about it. Because like you said, people shouldn't judge when they don't know the whole story."

Carlos' jaw dropped. The line moved forward and Kendall nudged him. "Come on, keep moving."

"Ma'am, I am so sorry. I just thought-"

"Don't worry about it. Are you the one flying?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"Good. We should talk. Maybe you can give me some tips to pass on to my son about how to be more confident with your homosexuality in public."

Carlos stuttered and stared up at Kendall, eyes begging for help. Kendall only smiled and said, "The line's moving."

The woman stepped up to security and Kendall knew this was it. Carlos was flying out of his life and it wasn't forever, but it might as well have been. Four days of almost constant contact with him had shown Kendall what it could be like, the joy his life would be filled with if this man would simply open his eyes and see what he had to offer.

_He saw what you have to offer. He liked it but it wasn't enough. It'll never be enough._

Kendall tilted Carlos' chin up and gazed into his eyes. "Gonna miss you."

Carlos nodded, the woman forgotten. "I'll cuddle with Kendall every night."

He smiled slightly and leaned down to press a soft kiss to Carlos' lips. Carlos' hand gripped his bicep and he deepened the kiss, wondering if this would be the last time he would taste this. Sensing the woman moving away, Kendall lifted his lips and whispered, "I love you."

Carlos appeared to melt, but his only reply was a soft "I know."

He watched Carlos check in with security, standing behind him with a hand on his shoulder, then they moved aside.

"Call me."

Carlos nodded, then lifted a hand in a vague wave. He rode up the escalator and Kendall walked farther away, but had to turn back. Waiting for him was a smile and big brown eyes from the second level. Feeling silly but giving in to the urge, Kendall blew Carlos a kiss. He grinned and caught it.

_That's right. You've caught me and you're never letting go. Just like always. I don't know how to _not_ love you._

Carlos waved one last time from above, and then he was gone.


	11. Chapter 11

Author's Notes: I do not own Big Time Rush or any of these characters, and I make no money off this whatsoever.

I know Kenlos isn't a pairing a lot of people can get behind, and I admit it took me a while to see it myself, but once I did there was no going back. This is a sequel to Because I Wanted the Best, which was the story of James and Logan meeting and falling in love. Now we have Kendall and Carlos, because as I wrote that story, Kendall kept whispering to me that he was lonely. He wanted Carlos. I tend to stay away from Carlos, but in this case I gave in because...well, because it's Kendall and I can't say no to him. I explained to him it would be a challenge to make Carlos fall for him, but he said he lives for a challenge. Yeah, I don't know. So here we go.

Dedicating this to my two awesome betas,** kathrynew30** and **Aranelle**. They're both happy to see Kendall going after what he wants, and happy to see more of Carlos for once. And this is still fun to write, because it's lighter than what I normally do and makes me laugh. I hope you like it, too! Thanks for giving it a try.

In case I haven't said it enough, thank you for reading this and for letting me know you love it. Reviews truly do spur me on and make me want to write more, and as a lot of you know they also give me ideas when we discuss the story with each other. I love the conversations I have with you guys and getting to know you and what you like (and don't like) about the story. It helps more than you know. I love you guys. :)

SURPRISE! Haha I actually ended up writing an entire chapter and a half today, which I didn't expect to find time for, so I'm allowing myself to post this one. Warning, this one is another heartbreaker, but after this we begin the ascent out of the darkness and move forward to the light. I don't know, I'm feeling poetic tonight. But I can see the light at the end of this story and we're getting there. Slowly but surely.

I LOVE EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU. Feeling very giddy and affectionate tonight. The review replies I do tonight will probably be full of sunshine and rainbows and glitter and unicorns and...oh my god, what is up with me tonight? Seriously shutting up now. Go read and please still love me when it's done. Stick with me, it's gonna get better! KENLOS FTW!

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><p>The aroma of chili and cornbread greeted Kendall when he opened the front door, making his mouth water even through the crushing sadness. In the kitchen he found Logan pulling a pan out of the oven.<p>

"I need some of that. Now."

"Let it cool down first or you'll burn your mouth again."

Kendall studied Logan as he stirred the huge pot of chili on the stove. "So he's gone?"

Logan nodded. "He helped with the chili, though. That was interesting," he smiled. "I love that man so much. You'd think a guy who's lived alone so long would know his way around a kitchen." Remembering who he was talking to, he added, "Or not. When Carlos moves here we're gonna spend a weekend giving cooking classes like James does with the surfing. You two will at least be able to make a casserole of some sort."

"Why bother when Carlos can just cook for me?"

"Because Carlos may not always be there."

It was said gently, but the effect was like a sledgehammer coming down on his heart.

"I'm sorry, dude."

"I know. You're right. Why are you always right? That used to be me. When did that change?"

"When you fell in love. No one thinks straight when they're in love. Look at the way I went crazy over James, obsessing all the time. Literally a tad crazy, and I didn't even know the guy."

"I wouldn't change it. Seeing him smile is worth every second of pain."

Logan blew out a breath. "Even if you're not the one making him smile?"

Kendall shrugged, his chest tightening. "I'm always gonna make him smile. He made it clear he doesn't want to lose me."

"Your friendship means everything to him, Kendall." Logan pulled two bowls down from the cupboard. "Can you grab a couple plates?"

Kendall did, reaching into the cupboard closest to him. "He said that?"

"He didn't have to. Even James can see that. And I haven't said it, but it means a lot to me that you're trying with him."

"He's actually not too bad once you get to know him. And he's Team Kenlos, so that grants him automatic brownie points."

"Team what?"

"You know...like Brangelina. It's how they smash names together to make a couple name. We're Kenlos." Kendall shrugged, knowing he was being ridiculous.

Logan laughed. "And you say me and James are sickening? But he's convinced Carlos will wake up. Said it's easier to see something clearly from a distance."

"James said that?"

"Yeah, he can get deep sometimes. God, I love him. Here, take your chili, I'll bring the whole pan of cornbread to the table."

"Don't forget the honey."

"It was one time! Now go, I'll be right there."

Kendall seated himself at the dining room table, blowing on his food in case Logan was watching. His phone alerted him to a text and his heart stopped. It was Carlos.

_He is not texting me from the plane. Carlos, you are such a little shit._

Of course he pulled it out and read it. _"Kendall will be happy I'm home but I won't. I miss you."_

The tightness in his chest became too much to bear. "Carlos, why? Why do you do this to me?" he whispered, and now the hated tears were gathering.

"Whoa. What happened?"

Kendall passed him the phone wordlessly.

Logan's lips moved as he read in silence. "This makes no sense."

"He has a teddy bear. That he bought after I moved. He cuddles with it every night and its name is Kendall."

Logan's eyes widened slightly. "Are you serious?"

Kendall nodded miserably. "And that bear he won me. He named it Carlos. So I can cuddle with it when I miss him."

"I'm...wow. How are you two not married yet?"

"He got excited when the realtor flirted with him and tried to ask her on a date. That's how."

Logan sat down, stunned. "Today? That happened today?"

Another tortured nod. "It's the first time I ever came close to hating him. I don't want to hate him, Logan. I don't ever want my feelings to get in the way of our friendship. And now they are. It was a mistake. All this stuff between us, it was a mistake. Can't believe he fucked me."

Logan's jaw dropped and his mouth worked in silence.

"Oh, yeah. Forgot to mention that. We had sex. Six times, all in one night. Well, one this morning."

"I don't...I can't...Kendall, he fucked you and still tried to ask a girl on a date? What the fuck is wrong with him?"

"I took him to the Center today. We played hockey and skated around like a couple. It was a perfect day. I had three perfect days in a row and then the second a chick showed any interest in him, it was like none of it had ever happened."

"But I don't understand. He is so in love with you!"

"But he's not. That's the-"

"Oh, he so is, there's no question in my mind. I know Carlos, and I know what I saw this weekend. James agrees, the guy is crazy over you. What the hell is holding him back?"

Kendall shook his head and bit into a piece of cornbread, talking with his mouth full. "The gay thing. Nothing else makes sense. Apparently he's just not gay."

"Okay, I could buy that if it wasn't for you. I don't care that he's not attracted to other guys, there's no question he's attracted to you. He fucked you, for God's sake. Six times!"

"I know! And I really thought I'd wake up to see him running away, but he didn't. He wanted more. And then the skating, and it was so romantic, and I started to think maybe..." Kendall sighed. "That's where I fucked up. Thinking maybe it might happen. I should know by now. I should _know_."

"Kendall, after the weekend you two spent together, _anyone_ would think that. Don't beat yourself up about it, you had every right to get your hopes up. I'm ready to fly to Minnesota right now and go kick his ass."

"He's not there yet, but thanks," Kendall said with a wan smile. "Eat your food before it gets cold."

Logan took a moment to butter his cornbread before taking a bite of the chili. "Damn. This is really good. I should let James help more often."

Kendall nodded his agreement, mouth full once again.

"Would you let me call him, Kendall? Talk to him about all of this? Because it's obvious you're not ever going to come clean."

"I told him I loved him at the airport."

Logan choked on his food. "You did?"

"Yes. Here, drink your tea."

When Kendall passed him the glass, he sucked it down and cleared his throat. "Okay. You told him?"

"I kissed him goodbye and said 'I love you.'"

"How did you say it? With what inflection? The way you always do, like 'I love you, buddy' or did you put your feelings into it?"

"I uh...I stared into his eyes and said it as if they were the most important three words I would ever speak in my life. Because they are."

"Kendall, wow. What did he say?"

Knowing he wouldn't be able to eat anymore due to the sick feeling in his stomach, Kendall pushed his bowl away. "He said...'I know.' He knows, Logan. And it doesn't make any difference."

"Shit. Okay, come on. I know that look." Logan stood up and pulled Kendall out of his chair, leading him to the living room before settling on the couch and holding him close. "It's okay."

"No, it's not," Kendall whined. "It's never gonna be okay because he's never gonna love me and I don't know what I'm gonna do when he lives with me and I have to see him every day. Logan, what the hell am I gonna do?"

"I could kill that little shit right now. Where is his head?" Logan held Kendall as he cried, rocking him for a few minutes and letting Kendall get it all out. He'd known what an emotionally draining weekend this would be for Kendall, but had no idea it would ever get this far in the space of four days. "Will you let me talk to him?" Logan asked softly. "Find out why he's so afraid to do something about this?"

"I told you why. He's not gay."

"He doesn't have a problem with homosexuality! He never has, dude, he's always accepted us and defended us and it's obviously not something that bothers him."

"It's different when it's you, though. Your friends can do what they want, but when it's you who's feeling like this, everything changes. It's scary. You remember that, don't you?"

"I do, but Carlos isn't the kind of guy to let that bother him. He'll take what he wants, and fuck what everyone else thinks."

"Even his dad?"

"Yeah, his dad wouldn't be thrilled, but he never made us feel like bad people once he found out. He still treated us like sons when we'd hang out with Carlos."

"You know how badly Carlos wants kids, though. That's a huge thing to get past."

"Gays have kids, Kendall. I've already mentioned it to James."

"You have?"

"Yes. He's not sure what he wants at this point, but he's aware I want them and is open to the idea. Besides, you want kids, too. You always have. The two of you would be incredible together as parents. One of you would push your kids down the swirly slide while the other waited to catch them. Jesus, that's so adorable I might puke. You need to talk to him and make this happen, Kendall."

"Will you stop making me see things like that? Fuck, I want that so bad it hurts. Literally, my stomach hurts just thinking about what I'd give for that."

"So talk to him. Or let me. Though he didn't really open up to me too much when we did talk."

Logan shifted to lean back against the arm of the couch and Kendall followed, taking what comfort he could through touch. "What did you guys talk about at Disneyland? Tell me everything he said. I need to understand this," Kendall pleaded.

"Well, he was freaked out because of how much he liked you sucking on his neck."

"See? It's different when it's you who's suddenly gay."

"But it didn't seem like it was a bad kind of freakout. Like I said, I offered to talk to you about keeping your distance and he practically bit my head off. He wanted more. I think he was just overwhelmed by his own reaction. He didn't expect that."

"And you guys talked about Megan, he said that."

"Yeah, I asked how that was going and he said not too well. Told me a little about how she's using him and he wasn't sure what to do. I said he should dump her, that he deserves better."

Kendall nodded. "What was this talk about all shapes and sizes?"

"Oh, well he said he didn't know what he wanted anymore, that he'd been trying for so many years to find love and every time he thought he had it, the girl would leave him for someone else. And I said maybe he's looking for the wrong thing, that he keeps repeating the pattern and needs to consider something different. And he asked what I meant by that. I was hoping he'd get the point I was suggesting a guy, so I reminded him that love is different for everyone, that we each have our own perfect match. It comes in all shapes and sizes."

"What did he say?"

Logan hesitated before answering, then replied, "He asked how I knew I was gay, when it happened."

Kendall shot up with wide eyes. "He what? He asked you that?"

"Yeah. Which is why I'm so shocked he'd have such a problem with it. He seemed to be considering the idea."

"What did you tell him?"

"That it wasn't something I knew right away, it snuck up on me gradually and when I couldn't control my thoughts or urges anymore, I knew. So I stopped fighting it."

"So then later that night he lets me blow him, and we totally make out. And the next morning, he's scared shitless. But he didn't let it stop him, he said..."

"What?"

"He said my standards were too high and I should consider things I hadn't before. And I said _he_ should, too. And he gave me this look. The same kind of look he gave me when I told him I love him. Like it was there, like he was feeling it, but he couldn't take that next step."

"Kendall, maybe he just needs time. This all happened really fast."

"Okay, I get that, but if he's falling for me then why the fuck did he want to ask that chick out?"

"Fear? Maybe it's getting too real for him? See, I wish you would just talk to him about all this. You're gonna call him tonight, right?"

"He wants to webcam again."

"Then do it. You two need to talk this out. Please, Kendall. For your own sanity, talk to him. Find out what he wants, and if he doesn't know, help him get there."

"I'm done getting my hopes up, Logan. I know he needs time but I can't do this anymore. My heart can't keep getting shredded every time he changes his mind and runs."

"I agree with that but you've had ten years to get to this point. Give the poor guy a few days, at least."

"You know, I'd agree with you, except for that comment he made about her being like me. Do you know he said that about this Jenna bitch? He said 'She's like you, only female.' That was what he loved about her. So he's well aware that I'm what he wants, but he's never going to accept that it's right for him. He took everything I had to give and it still wasn't enough. He _still_ would rather be with a girl. So fuck him. I'm done."

Logan sighed. "Kendall, you have to-"

"I don't have to do anything, Logan. For ten years I've given him everything he's ever asked, told him countless times this weekend I'm his, that I'll give him anything. And instead of taking it, he runs to this bitch who likes pizza and beer because she's got tits and a cute smile? Fuck that. Let her have him. I'll never let him be alone, but I'll be damned if I'm gonna wait around for him to break my heart some more. I'm done."

"You know, part of me wants to cheer because I've been telling you all that for years. To move on. But after everything I saw this weekend, I really think you might have something, Kendall. I think you should just talk to him."

"Oh, I'll talk to him, alright."

"You're mad."

"Raging. What gives him the right to treat me like this? To play with my heart, give me those looks and kisses, and we won't even talk about the way he fucks me just right. I get it now, why you never want to leave the bed. James told me it would be like that with him, that once I had Carlos I'd want it all the time. Did you know that before you, sex was boring to him?"

Logan grinned, his eyes lighting up. "I did. I was worried I wouldn't change his mind on that, that I wouldn't be good enough. Because he'd had all these guys and how was I supposed to compare to that? But see, when it's right, it's right. It's the same for you. You've had no interest in sex for a long time now, but when it's him? You want it all the time."

"Fuck, I do. Even right now I'm sitting here wanting him, as pissed as I am my body is screaming for him and I'd give anything to touch him. And that's what I have to get past. Because when I live with him, I can't do it. Not because he won't let me, but because the more I do it, the harder it's gonna be when he finds someone and it all stops. I can't do it anymore, Logan. This weekend showed me that. It's over. I have to move on."

"Kendall, can I ask you one more time to talk to him? Tell him how you feel?"

"No. All that's gonna do is ruin the friendship we do have. I think if he was ever going to take that step, he would have today. And instead, he wanted beer and pizza. There's nothing more I can do. He's made up his mind that I'm not the one he wants to be with forever."

"I'm still lost on the whole beer and pizza thing, but I don't want to see you give up on something that might actually pan out."

"I have to, Logan. I have to or it will keep breaking me down until I'm as bad as he is, following these girls around like a puppy waiting for a treat. I won't do that to myself. I'd rather be alone for the rest of my life than put myself through that."

"But then you're dead inside."

Kendall licked his lips before replying, "It's better than living for something that'll never happen and dying every single time he smiles at me. It's either let it go now or lose what I do have of him. I'm not willing to risk that."

Logan nodded slowly, sensing that Kendall was about to leave. "Call me later?"

Kendall stood up. "You and James aren't busy tonight?"

"We're gonna try to hook up for an hour or so online but I don't know if it'll work out. He's got a lot to do before flying out at midnight."

"If I know James," Kendall said, "he'll find a way. That guy is crazy about you."

Another blinding smile from Logan. "I know. I never thought I could be this happy."

"Like you said. When it's right, it's right."

* * *

><p>Kendall wasn't sure what to do. He'd received a text when Carlos landed, letting him know Carlos had made it safely to Minnesota, but there'd been no call. Not that he'd expected one. He gave Carlos two hours to get home and settled, and now it was later than their normal date time and he wondered if Carlos was sitting there waiting or if he'd just gone to bed.<p>

He was nervous, which was ridiculous. How could you be nervous about talking to someone you'd known your whole life? Everything had changed, though, and being apart gave you time to think things through. If Carlos was going to back away, now would be the time. Part of Kendall hoped he would. It would make it easier to resist the little fucker.

Finally he sent a text. "You still up?"

A reply came back almost immediately. "We're waiting for you."

_We. Fuck. I can't. I can't do this. Fucking Carlos and his stupid fucking bears. _ He reached out to pet the stuffed animal sitting at his side on the bed, his heart clenching. Suddenly he couldn't breathe. He picked it up and hugged it to his chest, wishing with all his heart it was the real thing in his arms and he didn't care, he'd follow Carlos around like a puppy every day for the rest of his life, anything to have that smile and those eyes on him.

_Damn you, Carlos. Damn you. I'm not gonna do this. I'm not. _

He set the bear down and connected to the video chat, heart beating wildly when Carlos appeared on the screen. Carlos looked tired and a little scruffy, and all it did was make Kendall want to pull him right through the laptop and into his arms. "Hey you."

A tiny smile greeted him. "Hi there. How you doing?"

"Been worse. How was your flight?"

"Long. I talked to that lady a lot. She ended up giving me advice instead of the other way around. Funny how that works, huh?"

Kendall chuckled. "What sort of advice?"

"Just about life. Love. I broke up with Megan."

Kendall perked up. "Yeah?"

"Yeah. For good. She really didn't seem all that bothered by it."

"I'm sorry, Carlos. I really am."

He shrugged as if it was no big deal. "It didn't surprise me. Should I call Jenna?"

_Jesus fucking Christ, are you really asking me that? _ "I think you should do what your heart tells you."

"My heart doesn't know what the fuck it wants. We're not on speaking terms right now."

Kendall couldn't remember ever hearing Carlos so dead inside. Obviously the Megan thing had affected him much more than he'd let on. "I hate that I'm not there."

"Yeah, it's not one of my favorite things, either."

"Dude, are you okay? Because I'm ready to book the next flight to Minnesota so I can hold you and let you cry."

"Thanks, but I'm past the crying. Time to move on, you know? Sometimes you want something so bad and you have to just accept it's never gonna happen the way you want it to. And you move on."

Kendall's heart dropped. Carlos was telling him to move on. "Yeah," he whispered, tears close to the surface. He couldn't do this. "I know you're tired, we hardly slept last night, so I'm gonna go. Give me a call sometime tomorrow?"

Carlos was quiet, staring at Kendall with a look he couldn't decipher.

_Fuck. Don't do this. Don't push me away. I thought I wanted it but I was wrong, please don't push me away right after I got you back. I can't do this I can't do this I can't do this._

"Where's Carlos?"

Kendall blinked, trying to shake his panic. "What?"

"Carlos. Kendall wants to meet him." Carlos held up a big white teddy bear that had been outside of the screen.

"Fuck," Kendall muttered, biting back the tears. How did Carlos manage to do this to him? He pulled his own smaller brown teddy bear onto his lap. "He's right here."

Finally there was a real smile on Carlos' face again. "He's a handsome little guy, isn't he?"

Kendall laughed. "He sure is. Kendall isn't so bad, either."

"Yeah, I tell him that all the time. He's happy to meet Carlos and can't wait until they can be together."

"Carlos can't either. When will that be, do you know yet?"

"Talked to Mom a little tonight, but we're all gonna sit down tomorrow and work out the details. We can occupy the building in a few weeks if we want. Katie said she might head out there before us to get it going. I told her she could stay with you, hope that's okay."

"Of course it is. But not for long, right?"

"No, she and your mom are gonna get a place to share for a while."

"Sounds good. I'll call Katie tomorrow to get it figured out. So maybe a month for you? I only ask because Carlos is lonely."

"Yeah, Kendall's going crazy," Carlos agreed. "He'd kill for a kiss right now."

Kendall's heart contracted, the longing ache deeper than it ever had been. His body once again screamed for Carlos. He lifted the bear and touched its face to the screen. Carlos bit his lip and did the same, and when the two bears "kissed" his eyes lifted to Kendall's.

"I miss you," Carlos whispered.

_Carlos please come back to me. I can't do this, I need you here now, not in a month or even two days please just be here now. _ "I know," Kendall answered, knowing if he said anything more he'd completely break down and beg.

Slowly Carlos pulled the teddy bear back from the screen. "I'm gonna sleep now. Goodnight."

_Don't leave me, don't leave me, don't leave me._ "Night. Talk to you tomorrow."

"Yeah."

After Carlos disappeared Kendall crumbled, hugging the bear close as emptiness overwhelmed him. He'd never cried so hard or hurt so deeply. Knowing Logan was probably talking to James, he sent a quick text rather than call.

"_Is it possible to die from a broken heart?"_

"_Technically, yes. You stop living. Did you talk to him?"_

"_He misses me."_

"_Duh. Did you TALK to him?"_

"_He broke up with Megan and wants to call beer and pizza bitch. He told me to move on."_

"_You can come over."_

"_Going to bed. Say hi to James."_

"_He says hi and he's sorry. He wants to kick Carlos' ass too."_

Kendall laughed. _"Tell him thanks. Now go jack off with your husband."_

_"I intend to. I'm here if you need me."_

"_I know. Thanks."_

_"Anytime."_

He laid in bed for twenty minutes telling himself to let Carlos go and move on. It was obviously what Carlos wanted him to do. In the end all he could do was hug the damn teddy bear close and cry as panic set in at the thought of actually doing that, and he knew that once again, he was screwed.


	12. Chapter 12

Author's Notes: I do not own Big Time Rush or any of these characters, and I make no money off this whatsoever.

I know Kenlos isn't a pairing a lot of people can get behind, and I admit it took me a while to see it myself, but once I did there was no going back. This is a sequel to Because I Wanted the Best, which was the story of James and Logan meeting and falling in love. Now we have Kendall and Carlos, because as I wrote that story, Kendall kept whispering to me that he was lonely. He wanted Carlos. I tend to stay away from Carlos, but in this case I gave in because...well, because it's Kendall and I can't say no to him. I explained to him it would be a challenge to make Carlos fall for him, but he said he lives for a challenge. Yeah, I don't know. So here we go.

Dedicating this to my two awesome betas,** kathrynew30** and **Aranelle**. They're both happy to see Kendall going after what he wants, and happy to see more of Carlos for once. And this is still fun to write, because it's lighter than what I normally do and makes me laugh. I hope you like it, too! Thanks for giving it a try.

In case I haven't said it enough, thank you for reading this and for letting me know you love it. Reviews truly do spur me on and make me want to write more, and as a lot of you know they also give me ideas when we discuss the story with each other. I love the conversations I have with you guys and getting to know you and what you like (and don't like) about the story. It helps more than you know. I love you guys. :)

My phone was dead for most of the day, so I wrote instead of being distracted by Twitter and texts. It resulted in this super long chapter (long for me, anyway). Those of you who keep asking what the hell is wrong with Carlos and what is he thinking and why is he so blind...here you go. We finally get the answers. There are still some questions Kendall has that won't be answered until the next chapter, but here's a lot of it. This chapter is seriously dialogue-heavy, but much of it is phone calls so hopefully it's bearable. And not too confusing.

And I feel horrible because I'm falling behind on replying to reviews. I plan to spend the weekend doing that in the evenings (except for that awesome half hour tomorrow when I will watch the new BTR and cry my eyes out as they take us back through memories of past episodes). Next update will probably happen on Monday. 11/21/11 woooooo!

Also, I have only flown a couple of times so I'm not sure if I'm right about this, but I do remember there being a phone attached to the seat in front of me that I could use with my credit card. I tried to Google it and found nothing. **Bowman0306** concurs with me that she thinks there is such a thing also, so we're going with that, and that is what Kendall is using to call Katie from the plane. I am so unskilled at travel.

And I must have the longest author's notes in the history of author's notes. Why am I such a rambling fool?

* * *

><p>They met for lunch the next day, Logan concerned for Kendall. He knew Kendall had decided to move on but also knew how hard it would be, and wished hockey season would hurry up and start already so Kendall had something to take his mind off Carlos.<p>

He was running late, though, and Kendall was beginning to wish he'd never agreed to meet Logan here. Of course he got stuck with Karen as a waitress, and it was ten minutes before he remembered his poor tip the last time he'd been here, which explained her frosty attitude. He kept asking for a refill on his drink and being put off, and finally the fourth time she walked by he stood up and blocked her path.

"Can we talk?"

She glanced up at him. "I'm busy, it's the lunch rush."

"I know. I wanted to apologize. Please, give me a second."

"There's no apology necessary, sir. I'll be back with your refill in a moment."

"Karen, please. I was having the most important talk of my life and you kept interrupting at the worst times. I'm sorry. I was frustrated with myself and took it out on you."

One eyebrow raised, she asked, "Where is the little cutie?"

"Back home in Minnesota."

"Is that why you look like someone kicked your puppy?"

Kendall frowned, sadness welling in his chest, and took his seat. "Is it that obvious?"

"Oh, sweetie." Karen slid into the booth across from him and patted his hand. "When do you two get to see each other again?"

"About a month. He's moving out here."

"That's wonderful!" she smiled. "I bet you guys can't wait."

"We're not together. He's just a friend." Saying it hurt, his heart still raw.

"Since when? That guy only had eyes for you."

"Are you forgetting he asked you out?"

Karen waved a hand. "Oh please, he is so in love with you. Why do you think I turned him down?"

"Because you had plans."

"I had no plans. I knew you had your sights set on him."

"But you asked about Logan! Called him my boyfriend!"

"I thought he was. If he had been, I would've been all over your cute little friend. But I could tell you were into him. And he's totally into you, too."

"Why does everyone keep saying that? If he was, he wouldn't be asking girls out in front of me!"

"Unless he's trying to make you jealous. Feel you out. Ack, I gotta go, orders are piling up. I'll bring your drink back."

Kendall barely heard her over the roaring in his ears.

_Unless he's trying to make you jealous. Feel you out._

_Carlos Fucking Garcia. Would you stoop to that, put me through hell instead of just telling me you're falling for me? Would you really?_

"Hey buddy, your phone's ringing."

Kendall looked up as a glass was set down in front of him. "What? Oh. Thanks." _Katie. Oh shit._ "Hey."

"What did you do to Carlos?"

"What? Nothing, why?"

"I send him to you for four days and you send him back like _this_? I demand a refund."

"Like what? What's wrong with him?"

"He's a zombie, dude. He's miserable. Did you tell him how you feel?"

"No, I...I mean kind of but...Katie, shit, he's really that upset?"

"He wasn't so bad this morning; he was a little down but I figured he just missed you guys and it would pass. I even tried to cheer him up by bringing him corn dogs for lunch but he seemed worse after that, wouldn't even eat one. What the hell did you do to Carlos that he can't even eat corn dogs, bro?"

Logan slid into the booth across from Kendall, eyes questioning him. Before Kendall could answer, the stupid lollipop song went off. Kendall motioned for him to answer. "That little fucker. Karen was right! She has to be!"

"Seriously, what happened? I'm worried about him."

"Oh, let him suffer a little, he deserves it." Remembering the sadness in Carlos' eyes last night, though, he knew he didn't really mean it. Carlos in pain sliced Kendall in half, especially knowing he'd caused it. "A lot happened, sis. A lot. Where is he now?"

"In his office, but every time I peek in he's like...lost. I don't know what to do for him. Fix him, Kendall!"

Logan hung up and gestured toward Kendall's phone.

"Katie," he answered. "Hang on, dude." He was vaguely aware of Karen approaching, of Logan ordering for both of them. "He talks to you, right? Opens up to you about stuff?"

"Sort of," Katie replied. "I guess me more than anyone else."

"Listen, he's probably going through a lot of shit right now, about to go crazy with it. He needs a friend. Can you be that for him? Get him away for a while to talk?"

"Of course I'm a friend to him. I can try, but I don't know if he'll talk to me."

"Well, he sure as hell won't talk to me or Logan, so it's up to you. Get him talking, get him to spill. And then call me and tell me everything he says."

"Kendall!" Katie gasped. "I will not! He trusts me, I'm not gonna go spilling everything he says."

"Do ya _want_ me to fix him or not?"

Silence.

"I can't help him if I don't know what's wrong, and he won't come clean to me. Has he ever hinted that he has any sort of feelings for me?"

"No, not like that. Mostly just that he misses you and how much it hurt when you moved. He felt like you abandoned him."

"Oh god." Kendall's heart cracked. "He said that?"

"Not exactly, but he didn't have to. He's been miserable without you. I wouldn't be surprised if he _does_ have feelings for you."

"Please, Katie. I think he might, and he won't admit anything to me. I need you to do this. If I know for sure he does, I can fix it. Please. I'm dying without him." There was suddenly a plate of food in front of Kendall. He grabbed a handful of fries and shoved them in, wincing at the burn. "Shut up," he commanded Logan, who only shook his head fondly.

"Fine. But you'd better fix him. I can't deal with sad Carlos. It's like watching a sad clown, only not as disturbing."

Kendall let out a long breath, eyes closing in his relief. "Thank you. You're helping both of us. I hope I'm right. I'd better be, or I'll kill him. I might kill him anyway, for being such a little shit."

"He's coming," Katie whispered, then raised her voice. "Really, Kendall? That's awesome! Let me ask. Hey Carlos, what color swirly slide do you want?"

Kendall snickered, feeling lighter than he had since the ice rink. His smile died when that magical voice filled his ear.

"Hey you."

Heart hammering, Kendall said, "Hey."

"Where are you?"

"Denny's. Karen misses you."

"Karen," Carlos chuckled. "Are you alone?"

"No, Logan's here."

"Of course."

"Hi Carlos!" Logan yelled.

"Tell him hi."

"Are you okay, Carlos? You sound down." It almost brought Kendall to tears again, hearing his angel in pain.

"Yeah, just...miss you. A lot."

"Carlos, fuck," Kendall whispered. "Say the word and I'm there."

There was a moment in which Kendall could almost feel the need through the phone, but all Carlos said was, "Soon. A few more weeks."

_Damn you, just say it. Say the words. _ "Carlos misses Kendall. He cried himself to sleep last night." _Please, anything, say something._

"I...yeah, it was a rough night. It'll get easier over time, though, right?"

"No. Haven't you ever heard that saying? Absence makes the heart grow fonder."

"Kendall..."

He was on the verge of tears, Kendall could hear it, and he made up his mind. He was going after Carlos and he wouldn't let up until Carlos had no choice but to give in. When Carlos was clinging to him and begging for Kendall to love him back, that's when he would be satisfied. "Yes?"

"I...gotta go."

_Fine. I'll let you off the hook this time, but never again. _ "Talk to you later. Put Katie back on?"

"Sure. Call me tonight?"

"Always. And hey."

"Yeah?"

"I love you."

There was nothing, and then...

"Shit, Kendall, what the hell did you say to him? He just walked out of here in tears."

"Fuck yes!" Kendall yelled, causing the entire restaurant to turn and stare. Logan hid his face and sighed. Kendall couldn't bring himself to care.

"What the hell is wrong with you, dude? I tell you he's crying and you're happy?"

"Yes! It means he loves me, and for some stupid reason that only Carlos would understand, he thinks I only want sex from him."

"Maybe because you kept telling him that's all you wanted?" Logan interjected.

"Oh. Yeah. That may be why. I'm as stupid as he is."

"Okay, I need to go make sure he's alright. I'll call you later."

"I'm flying out there as soon as I get a flight booked. Call me when you can. And don't tell him I'm coming, I want to surprise him."

"You got it," Katie sighed, then hung up.

Kendall was practically bouncing in his seat.

"What in the world did I miss, Kendall?" Logan was grinning, Kendall's excitement contagious.

"So. What if the only reason Carlos went for beer and pizza was in an attempt to make me jealous? Force me to show my cards?"

"Okay, before I address anything else you just said, explain to me what the beer and pizza is about."

"She likes beer and pizza. For dinner."

"So that's what you call her?"

"I sure as hell won't give her the satisfaction of acknowledging her name."

"You are ridiculous. Eat your lunch and tell me why you're flying to Minnesota tonight." Logan shoved Kendall's plate closer to him, and Kendall attempted to speak while shoving food down his throat.

"Karen suggested that maybe Carlos was trying to get me to admit to something."

"Who's Karen?"

"I'm Karen," she popped in with, setting down their check.

Kendall laughed when he saw that she'd slid it toward Logan. "I'm sorry about last time. Give me that, I'll be nicer."

"So I hear you're taken?" she asked Logan, passing the check to Kendall.

"I am. By an incredibly wonderful man who loves me more than I deserve to be loved."

"Are we puking yet?" Kendall joked.

"I think it's sweet. You're lucky, a lot of people don't find that special person. And sometimes when they do, they don't hold on to it. Let it slip away." She glanced down at Kendall. "Don't let him slip away."

He nodded, blushing slightly. "Working on it. I'm gonna fly out tonight and make him mine. Not letting go until he gives in. Thank you for the talk earlier, if it wasn't for that I would still be miserable."

"Glad I could help. Tell your little cutie I can't wait to ruffle his hair again."

"A few more weeks," Kendall promised. "Unless I can get him here sooner."

"And I'd better be invited to your wedding."

"Count on it."

When she'd moved on, Logan looked at Kendall in bewilderment. "You realize I'm completely lost here."

"She waited on us Friday when I was here with Carlos. Mistook us for boyfriends. Well, you and me. That's how she knows you have someone, I told her. And she said she could totally tell Carlos was into me."

"See? So what's his problem? You really think he'd try to make you jealous?"

"I don't know, it doesn't sound like Carlos' style."

"It's more something James would do."

Their eyes met as they got it at the same time.

"Planting a seed," Kendall muttered.

"He is so dead." Logan whipped out his phone and called James. "You'd better answer, I don't care if you're at the gym, you'd better—hey. You. Love of my life. Did you tell Carlos to try to make Kendall jealous?"

Kendall stared, eyes glued to Logan's face for signs.

"Hang on, I'm putting you on speaker." He did and set the phone between them. "Now, talk."

"Hey guys. Um. I might've...made a little suggestion."

"Are you crazy?" Kendall asked him. "That almost ruined everything!"

"Well, it was supposed to work! You were supposed to get so jealous you'd tell him how you feel, and if you didn't he was supposed to tell _you_ everything before he left."

"I don't even understand. Are you saying you _knew_ Carlos had a thing for me?"

"Duh. The entire state of California probably knows after the way you two were carrying on."

"But he told you? And you didn't tell _me_?"

"Or me?" Logan questioned.

"No. He didn't say anything of the kind. He asked me how to know if someone's in love or just using you. Made it sound like he was talking about the girlfriend, but I knew better. So I suggested maybe he test it by going for someone else, or at least pretending to, but I never imagined you wouldn't break, Kendall. Why didn't you just tell him how you feel?"

"It's not that easy, okay? How many times did you mess with Logan's head before he had to run after you and tackle you in an elevator?"

"That's not...it was different. I mean-"

"No, it isn't different, James. You were scared to take that risk, and so was I. He's flirting with a girl when he's confused about his sexuality, of course I'm gonna assume he wants to date her."

"Well, it sounded like a good idea at the time. I'm sorry, but watching the two of you was torture. I wanted to bash both your heads in and force you to kiss and profess undying love for each other. I was trying to help."

"Jesus. Okay, well it's still fixable. I'm going to get him."

"Good. Uh...babe? You still there?"

"I'm here," Logan answered.

"You still love me, right? I'm sorry I meddled but they were driving each other crazy and I wanted to see if I could do something and-"

The speaker turned off as Logan returned the call to its normal setting. "James," he said softly. "I'm not going anywhere. I know. Honey, I know, it's okay. No, I'm not mad. Hey. Hey, slow down, I still love you and I know you were trying to help."

"Unbelievable."

"Hold on. No, I'm not hanging up. James. Listen to me. Shh. I'm right here. Let me talk to Kendall for a minute." Logan set the phone aside and blew out a breath. "I'm sorry, but please don't be mad at him."

"I'm not really, I just can't believe I fell for it. James is right, I should've said something sooner."

"Yes, but we knew that. I also know how hard it was for you, how afraid you were to lose him. Which is something my husband apparently has issues with as well. He's terrified I'm going to leave him because he upset you."

"You call him a husband, too?"

"In my heart, he is. I guess that's something we need to work on, him trusting that I won't leave him every time he makes a mistake. Because he will."

"You're not worried about him leaving you?"

"Strangely, no. Every time he looks at me, touches me, kisses me, I know it's forever. And I know I'll screw up, too, but...he won't leave me. I know that."

"I want that, Logan. With Carlos. I want to know he'll be at my side always."

"Then go make him yours. You've belonged to him for ten years, whether he realized it or not. Go make him yours now."

A bright smile crossed Kendall's face. "This is gonna happen."

"I know it is. Go get him."

Kendall reached out and picked up the phone. "You know there's an easy fix to this, right?"

"Kendall? Oh god, please tell me I didn't fuck up. I can't lose him. I can't."

"Then ask him to marry you. Officially. I guarantee he'll say yes."

Logan's eyes widened and he clapped a hand over his mouth.

"It's already in the works, Kendall. So I didn't just fuck it up?"

"No. But you do have to make it up to me."

"Anything. Name it and it's yours."

"Backstage passes to any show my sister wants to go to. In fact, _all _of the shows she wants to go to."

"Done. Can I talk to Logan now? Please?"

"Sure. I promise, James. He's not going anywhere."

Logan took the phone greedily. "Call or text me if you need me."

"I will. Thanks, dude."

"Anytime."

This time when Kendall paid the bill, he left Karen a tip of one hundred dollars, though he felt that her tip-off to him had been worth at least ten times that.

* * *

><p>Ninety minutes later Kendall was on a plane, having barely made the flight after stopping at home to throw an overnight bag together. He'd received a text from Katie as he was boarding, simply saying<em> "CALL ME ASAP."<em> That set the butterflies in his stomach aflutter. What if she wanted to tell him to abort the mission, that he was way off base and Carlos couldn't stand the thought of ever seeing him again and he should just kill himself now to avoid the torture of living a life where he would be forced to watch Carlos marry beer and pizza and push their little perfect-toothed children down the swirly slide?

That vision almost had him running, but he found the resolve to keep going. No matter what Carlos might have to say about it, Kendall was determined to do this. If Carlos chose to never speak to him again, at least it would be easier to get over him.

_But not forget. Never forget him, couldn't if I tried. And I will always love him. Always._

He held on to the fact that his "I love you" had caused Carlos to cry. That had to mean something.

It seemed like forever until he was able to use the plane's phone. Katie picked up right away. "Hello?"

"It's me. "

"Are you coming? Please come."

"I'm on the plane. Is he okay?"

"He's a mess. I can't stand to see him like this, so hopeless."

"So I have a chance?"

"Dude. You have no idea."

The butterflies took flight, to be replaced with sheer exaltation. "He talked to you?"

"We talked for over an hour. You weren't kidding, he was going crazy holding it all in. You two are a pair of idiots who need to learn how to express yourselves."

Kendall smiled. "We express ourselves plenty."

"Not when it matters most."

"So what did he say?"

"Okay, I feel really bad telling you all this because he trusts me, but I already know he's never gonna come clean to you, so I'm going for it and it's worth him being upset if it gets you two together."

"I'm not leaving there without him. Well, in a figurative sense."

"Let me close my door. I tried to send him home but he says he'd rather be here, that being alone just makes it worse. You two, I swear. You have no idea how hard it was for me to not tell him you're in love with him. The poor guy."

"Why are you feeling sorry for him? I'm the one who's been suffering for ten years."

"He's been suffering too, just not in the way you have."

Kendall frowned. "What does that mean?"

"I'm going to tell you a story. You comfy?"

"I'm on a plane. I'm as comfy as I'm gonna get. Now spill!"

Katie took a deep breath and let it out. "Okay. Once upon a time there were three best friends. One was super smart, one was a big goof, and one was a lovable kid who was always doing crazy stuff and needed extra attention."

"Wait, so I'm the big goof?"

"I'm your sister, I can say that."

"Fine. Go on."

"All the time while growing up, the goof was like a big brother to the crazy kid. Looked out for him, took care of him, was there to give him whatever he needed. He got to a point where he kind of worshiped the big goof."

"Okay, I knew this much. He's always thought of me as his hero."

"Right. And then there was Logan, who could bond with you in a way he couldn't, because Logan was smart and didn't always need looking after. It was more of a...balanced friendship, let's say. Carlos felt inferior in that sense."

"Carlos is not stupid."

"I never said he was. But you and Logan were close friends, while you treated him like a kid brother who was tagging along."

"Katie, that is utter bullshit, I have never felt that way about Carlos!"

"Hey, don't yell at me, it's his story!"

"When did I ever make him feel like he wasn't on the same level as Logan?"

"You'll have to ask him that. He loves Logan, never resented him, but apparently always felt like you two had a bond he couldn't be part of."

"Jesus Christ, Carlos."

"So that's the way it was and he lived with it. Then you both went gay."

An anvil dropped onto Kendall's chest. "Oh no."

"And here was one more thing you two shared that he couldn't. Did you know he made out with a guy once, hoping he was gay and just didn't know it yet?"

"I...yeah. I didn't know why, though. He said he was curious."

"He was praying he would like it. Not so he could be gay with you, just so he could be part of that...club. But apparently there were no sparks, so he decided it wasn't meant to be. And he hated that, hated that you and Logan were all flirty and could check out guys together and talk about things he couldn't share."

"Oh, Carlos. Why didn't he ever say anything?"

"Right, because obviously you're both stellar at talking about your feelings when it comes to each other."

Kendall had no comeback for that. Instead he asked, "So he was jealous?"

"Basically, yeah. But he never hated Logan, just felt like it was the way things were. He lived with it, knew you guys loved him and that was enough. And then Logan moved away."

Kendall nodded, looking up long enough to accept a soda from the flight attendant. "But that was good, right? When Logan moved?"

"Dude, he said it was the best time of his life. He had you all to himself, had your focus in a way he never did before."

"Of course he did, I was in love with the little fucker."

"And you two bonded even more, got closer and went on dates together but also just hung out, and he loved that."

"He practically lived at my house."

"Right. But he said you seemed to get sadder as time went on. You guys would go on dates and you would be pissy or sad after them, and you apparently never went on more than one or two dates with the same person."

"It started to get really hard, Katie. We were closer than ever but watching him with someone else killed me."

"I get that, but all he knew was you guys were close and you were still getting sadder and you wouldn't open up to him or tell him why. He felt like he wasn't good enough to be a confidante for you, like you thought he wouldn't understand the way Logan would."

"I'm going to kill him when I get there."

"Oh, it gets better. He decided you must be in love with Logan."

Kendall's jaw dropped. "WHAT?"

"That can't be a surprise, he's been trying to get you two together for over a year."

"But that makes no sense! If he was jealous, why push us together?"

"Because he wanted to see you happy. If Logan made you happy, then you should be with Logan."

"Carlos, oh my god. Going to smack him." Kendall popped the tab on his soda and drank some down. "He kept hinting at it, saying we should date."

"Because he thought you two were in love. We both thought that, actually."

"I know, and I just...fuck. Okay. So he decided I'm in love with Logan."

"And then you got traded."

"Fuck," Kendall repeated.

"And he didn't know you asked for the trade, but he knew it was no coincidence that you were going to where Logan was."

"Jesus."

"He was happy for you in a way, thought you would finally get what you wanted and that you'd been missing Logan so much, and that's why you were so sad. But once again..."

"I chose Logan over him."

"Yup. You moving away devastated him, dude. He didn't know how to live without you. You'd always been there."

"I know, and I knew it would hurt him but I couldn't do it anymore. I was killing myself. Dying inside every time he talked about a girl or I had to watch him with one. And they didn't even treat him the way he deserves to be treated, I got more and more pissed off that he was letting them use him when I was right there offering everything he could ever want."

"When did you offer anything?"

"I...well, not in a romantic sense, but...you think I should have?"

"Not sure he would've been ready for that. It's only recently that he realized his feelings are more than friendship."

"Okay, fine. So I moved out here-"

"And he was miserable. He hid it well, though. I knew he missed you, but _damn_. Plus, he was sitting here thinking you and Logan were finally together and even though he was happy for you, it was one more thing he would be left out of, especially since neither of you would admit it to him. This time it was something huge, and for the rest of his life. Because he knew you guys were right for each other and that it would last."

"But Logan had James!"

"Not until the past few months. What really killed him, I think, is when I mentioned that you'd willingly given up being on your favorite team to go be with Logan. He said he kinda knew it anyway, not that you'd made it happen but that you chose L.A., and hearing that you'd consciously put in a request to move away from here hit him really hard. You chose to leave him behind, felt he wasn't enough to keep you here. And then lied to him about it."

"Fuck fuck fuck fuck-"

"Yeah."

"Oh my god. I'm so sorry."

"Tell Carlos, not me."

"So we talked on the phone every night and the whole time he thought Logan and I were in love."

"Yup."

"But then when James _did_ show up he knew better, right?"

"He said that really confused him, because it meant you guys weren't together. And then he just felt sorry for you."

Kendall's eyes widened. "But why?"

"Because you'd been in love with Logan all that time and never got him. Because you had to see Logan with James, listen to him talk about James when it was breaking your heart."

_No. Just no way._ "Are you telling me he_ still_ thinks I love Logan?"

"He doesn't know what to think. He's confused."

"No shit."

"He wanted to meet James, see them together, to see if it was a temporary thing or if it would last. Because if it _was_ gonna last, he wanted to move out there so you didn't have to go through that alone, so he could be there for you. Are you seeing how messed up this all is?"

He was. He'd wanted to be there for Carlos, for Carlos to never be alone, and Carlos had wanted the same for him. The whole thing was enough to make his head hurt. "Did he suggest the foundation's move to L.A.?"

"He did. Put the idea into Mom's head, reminded her she'd get to see you more. Dude, he even did research to show her how much good we could do, what a huge need L.A. has for a place like us. He called some big corporations and got them interested in donating. This is huge, Carlos usually doesn't deal with the executive side of things. He's best with people, not money."

"Carlos Garcia, I am gonna kiss you so hard when I see you."

"But he felt really guilty the whole time he was there because he was hoping James and Logan would stay together."

"Why guilty?"

"He knew you'd be sad and alone, and he didn't want that. But at the time same he did."

"Because then I'd need him."

"Exactly. And he was going to do whatever it took to keep you smiling. Whatever you needed, he was gonna give it to you. He hinted there was sex of some sort?"

"Uh..."

"Kendall, I'm twenty years old, I know people have sex. Even my brother."

"But _you _haven't yet, right?"

"...we're not talking about me."

"I don't want to know," Kendall groaned.

Katie rushed on. "So I guess he could see that Logan and James are really into each other, and he figured you'd be alone forever, just waiting for them to break up so you could have your chance. He said you'd probably never try to date again, and he couldn't stand the thought of that, of you alone and sad all the time."

"So when he was here, he went along with every move I made."

"And _that's_ when things got weird. He didn't give me specifics, but apparently when you two made out or whatever, he _really_ liked it. A lot."

"Yeah," Kendall said softly. "He did."

"And that scared him."

"Right. Because he doesn't want to be gay."

"Have you not heard anything I've been saying?" Katie asked incredulously. "He _wanted_ to be gay."

"Then why-"

"Just not for _you._ If he fell in love with _you,_ he'd really be screwed. Then he'd be like you, in love with someone who's in love with someone else."

"Katie, this is really fucked up."

"You're telling_ me_. You're gonna fix it, though, right?"

"Oh, I am _so_ gonna fix him."

"Good," Katie chuckled.

"So why is he afraid to love me?"

"Because you love Logan. He'd have you until Logan was free, and then he might lose you. He said he didn't think he could survive that."

_I so know that feeling. Carlos, I am so sorry._ "Did he say anything about beer and—sorry. Jenna."

"The realtor lady? Yeah, he said there were times when he thought maybe you were starting to fall for him-"

_Starting to fall. Oh, Carlos._

"-but he was afraid to get his hopes up. You guys had some ice skating date?"

"Yeah. It was perfect."

"Well, that's when he knew for sure he loved you, that what he was feeling was actually love. And he wanted to believe you were feeling it too but didn't know how to ask. So he came up with the bright idea to see if he could make you jealous."

"Thanks to James. Asshole."

"Carlos says James is cool."

"He is, but he screwed this up worse. The good thing that came out of it is you get all-access passes to every single one of his concerts you choose to go to from now on."

"Me?"

"Yes. He felt really bad about giving Carlos that idea, so he wanted to make it up to me. You're welcome."

"OMG. OMG OMG OMG are you _serious_?"

"Are you done fangirling? I have a future boyfriend to hook up with."

"Is James as hot in person as he is on T.V.?"

"Yes."

"Oh my gooooooooood. Why is he gay? _Why?_"

"Because Logan needed him. Can we move on? You'll get to meet him soon enough."

"It's always about you, isn't it, Kendall?"

"Carlos. Focus. We're talking about Carlos."

"Whatever. So he tried to make you jealous and it didn't work."

"Oh, it worked. I wanted to punch that bitch."

"Should've told him that. He was heartbroken when he thought you didn't care if he dated her."

"I was afraid to scare him away, afraid to ruin our friendship. Ugh, this is all so fucked up, and now he's sad because he thinks I'm in love with Logan?"

"More because he realized he's in love with you and he'll never have you like that."

"Wasn't it enough that we fucked? That didn't clue him in?"

"He says you kept telling him it was just two people who were lonely and helping each other out."

_Oh my god. I fucked myself. Because I was so afraid to scare him away, I made him think I didn't want him like that._

Katie brought him back to the moment. "So what are you gonna do, dude?"

"Leave him with no doubt about what I want from him, that's what."

"He'll be home in a few hours, when do you get in?"

"Not for a while yet. I need a favor."

"Anything."

"I need you to—whoa, really? Just like that?"

"You got me James Diamond. You want it, it's yours."

Kendall laughed. "Logan might fight you for him."

"That's fine, I'm good with just staring and maybe talking a little."

"Take Carlos out somewhere, I need some time."

"When?"

"After work. I want to be there when he gets home."

"Kendall, Mom and I were supposed to-"

"James Diamond."

"But...but...we've been dying to see this movie and-"

"I'll make him dedicate a song to you at his next concert."

"...oh wow. Um. Um. But this movie is-"

"Katie, we're talking about my life here! Help me do this! If not for me, do it for Carlos, so he's not sad anymore."

"Aw man."

"Take him to the movie with you guys. And dinner. Just tell him you're worried about him and don't want him to be alone. Please, Katie, let me do this right."

"Okay, fine," she sighed. "How long do I need to keep him out?"

"I'll text you when I'm ready for him."

"What are you gonna do?"

"I'm gonna go get my man, and that little shit is not getting away from me this time."

"Such loving words," Katie grinned. "You got a way from the airport?"

"I'll rent a car."

"How are you getting into his house?"

"I have my key."

"You...still? From a year ago?"

"Always hoped I'd have a reason to use it someday."

"You got all the romantic genes in this family, bro."

Kendall smiled. "I'll take that as a compliment. I'm gonna go, I have planning to do."

"Turn his frown upside down. Or else."

"I will. And thanks."

"Anything to see him smile again. His sadness creeps me out. It's like a zombie Carlos."

"I'll fix it."

"You'd better. Text me."

"I will. Bye, sis."

"Bye."

Kendall placed the phone back in its cradle and reclined his seat back.

_All these years you were holding all that in. And the last year especially, going through all that and not talking to anyone, not having me to lean on. You are so much braver than anyone realizes, Carlos. I love you so much. You will never be alone again. _

Closing his eyes, Kendall started to plot.

_You're mine, you little shit. And I'm not giving up this time, not until you're clinging to me and begging. Or at least crying a little._

For the first time in ten years, there was peace. Kendall was going home to his heart.


	13. Chapter 13

Author's Notes: I do not own Big Time Rush or any of these characters, and I make no money off this whatsoever.

I know Kenlos isn't a pairing a lot of people can get behind, and I admit it took me a while to see it myself, but once I did there was no going back. This is a sequel to Because I Wanted the Best, which was the story of James and Logan meeting and falling in love. Now we have Kendall and Carlos, because as I wrote that story, Kendall kept whispering to me that he was lonely. He wanted Carlos. I tend to stay away from Carlos, but in this case I gave in because...well, because it's Kendall and I can't say no to him. I explained to him it would be a challenge to make Carlos fall for him, but he said he lives for a challenge. Yeah, I don't know. So here we go.

Dedicating this to my two awesome betas,** kathrynew30** and **Aranelle**. They're both happy to see Kendall going after what he wants, and happy to see more of Carlos for once. And this is still fun to write, because it's lighter than what I normally do and makes me laugh. I hope you like it, too! Thanks for giving it a try.

In case I haven't said it enough, thank you for reading this and for letting me know you love it. Reviews truly do spur me on and make me want to write more, and as a lot of you know they also give me ideas when we discuss the story with each other. I love the conversations I have with you guys and getting to know you and what you like (and don't like) about the story. It helps more than you know. I love you guys. :)

Taking a moment to say that **hotdamncarlospena** and **celskier** (from Tumblr) are totally awesome in their undying devotion to this story. This one's for you guys.

This is not the last chapter, still some things that need tying up. :) Hope you enjoy.

* * *

><p>Kendall was good until Katie texted him to say Carlos was on the way home. He'd put his plan into action as soon as he had a car, and now everything was in place and he was nervous.<p>

He believed Carlos loved him; the signs were all there, both in the past and the present. Kendall had noted that even though Carlos' house was filled with pictures of family and friends (he remembered that Carlos needed to surround himself with people to keep loneliness at bay), pictures of himself and Carlos together far outweighed the others. It hadn't been like this before Kendall moved; Carlos had put up most of them after he'd left.

_Absence does indeed make the heart grow fonder._

What made Kendall nervous now was whether or not Carlos would be willing to take that step. As Logan had said, Kendall had ten years to get used to the idea of a romantic lifelong commitment to Carlos. It was new to Carlos, though, and no matter how much Carlos loved him, it was also terrifying to give your heart and soul to someone. James would've understood perfectly.

The worst part was that other than a vague plan involving four very important words, Kendall had no idea what he was going to say.

_He loves you. That's enough. The rest will come to you._

Kendall prayed he was right, wanted this more than he'd ever wanted anything in his life. "More than hockey?" Carlos would've asked. "More than blowjobs?"

The answer to both would be yes. He knew what he wanted and was going to get it.

A car door slammed and Kendall's knees went weak. _Oh fuck. I can't do this he's gonna tell me to leave and never come back and then go burn the teddy bear and laugh, he'll laugh while he's __doing it then pour beer over it while he eats pizza and-_

"Who's there?"

Oh, he sounded pissed. And a little scared. _You can do this. He misses you._

One last look at the dining room, then Kendall took a deep breath and hurried into the kitchen.

Carlos stood just inside the door, a hockey stick raised and ready to do serious damage. Under the adrenaline rush he looked more tired than Kendall had ever seen him. Kendall wanted nothing more than to carry him to bed and love him, hold him and cuddle him and keep him safe as he slept. Instead he said, "Don't you know you're not supposed to ask that? Serial killers never answer, they just come at you."

The stick clattered to the floor somewhere around the word "supposed." Carlos stood staring at him with wide eyes, the pulse in his neck jumping. "You're...here?"

"I am," Kendall smiled, holding his arms open. He staggered back when Carlos tackled him with a hug, then got his balance and rocked as Carlos clung to him, face buried in his chest and arms like steel around his waist. This was what he'd needed, Carlos shaking and holding on as if he'd never let go. Fear left him and he knew this would work out.

"It's okay," Kendall murmured, kissing the top of Carlos' head. "Big teddy bear is here."

The arms tightened until Kendall could barely draw breath, but he didn't step back, and it was a while before Carlos finally did. His eyes lifted to Kendall's, full of so many combating emotions Kendall didn't know which to address first, so he settled for a kiss instead.

Again there was desperation in Carlos. Kendall managed to slow the kiss down but only barely—his body was urging him to take this to bed and make Carlos his. "Hey," he whispered. "Not going anywhere. We've got all night."

More conflicting emotions in those dark brown eyes. Carlos obviously wanted that, but wanted it to mean something. "Whatever you want," he said, echoing Kendall's mantra from the previous weekend. "If you need me, I'm yours."

And there it was. Finally Carlos belonged to him as he'd belonged to Carlos. "So me staying a few days is acceptable?" Kendall grinned.

"Duh. You know you're always welcome here, Kendall."

"Always?"

"Always," Carlos nodded, then went in for another kiss.

Kendall gladly allowed it, their hands roaming and bodies attempting to press closer. When Carlos' fingers teased at his belt, Kendall stepped back, breathless. "Missed me, huh?"

"Of course I missed you. You're here because you're worried about me, right? Katie called you?"

"She did, but it wasn't her who nagged me to come. It was Carlos."

"Carlos?" The confusion only lasted a second. "The bear. _He_ told you to come."

"More like demanded. He wouldn't let me sleep last night, the little shit."

"And why did Carlos need to come here so badly?" Carlos questioned, amused.

"For Kendall. It was love at first sight, and then they kissed and it was over. Says he can't live without Kendall anymore."

That was a little too close to home, Carlos' heart still raw. He pursed his lips and stepped further back. "You could've just mailed him."

"He wanted a date. And really, they're too young to go out alone, so we have to chaperone. Come on, they're getting impatient." Taking Carlos' hand, Kendall dragged him into the dining room, halting when Carlos stopped in surprise at the scene before him.

The dining table was decked out with candles and flowers and surrounded by four chairs, two on each side. In one sat the brown bear, in the other the white, both propped up on a stack of DVD's to "reach" the table. There was a plate of pizza in front of each while a bottle of beer stood near.

"Kendall Knight, what did you do?" Carlos whispered.

"Carlos made me do it," he answered softly, arms sliding around Carlos' waist from behind. He kissed Carlos' neck before continuing. "You know I can't say no to him."

Carlos leaned back into him, and the way every touch possessed a hint of desperation tugged at Kendall's heart. "I think you lost your mind."

"Just go with it," Kendall whispered, the proximity of Carlos' body waking his own up. Carlos let out a hushed sound, his fingers clawing into Kendall's forearms.

"Hungry?" Kendall teased.

"Starved," Carlos answered in a low, sexy voice. He tilted his head back to meet Kendall's gaze, his own burning with need.

_Fuck. You could incinerate me with that look. Not yet. Not yet._ Tamping down on his lust, he said, "Good! Because _we_ have pizza and beer, too. Sit down, they want to start their date."

Carlos spun around to see if Kendall was serious or just humoring him. "I still think you've gone crazy."

"Join me there?"

Carlos laughed, shaking his head. "Get me a beer. I could use one."

Kendall rushed over to pull out Carlos' chair.

"Oh, are we on a date, too? I thought we were just chaperoning."

"Might as well have fun with it. Be right back." Kendall returned a minute later with a pizza box and two beers.

"We could just eat theirs, you know."

"Carlos, that would be rude." He set the box between them and took his seat, then opened it and passed Carlos a slice.

"So is this our first official date?" Carlos grinned. "Because I could get used to this."

Kendall smiled, heart expanding. "I kinda felt like our hour on the ice was a date. I know it wasn't supposed to be, but it felt right."

Carlos nodded, but beneath the happiness was a layer of fear.

_He's afraid you're settling with him because you want Logan and can't have him. And even though he'd take it, he wants you to love him instead._ "Look at them staring into each others' eyes," Kendall said, referring to the bears. "They're so in love."

"I can see that Carlos is. He called me earlier, you know."

"Oh, did he?"

"Uh huh. He said he was scared." Carlos set down what was left of his crust.

_Here we go. Come on, Carlos, say it._ "Scared of what?"

"Well, he gets confused easily. He said Kendall gave him mixed signals. You know, on the chat last night. And over the whole weekend."

"Yeah, Kendall's not very good at speaking his mind when it comes to Carlos."

"Does he get confused, too?"

"No," Kendall answered firmly. "He's always known what he wants. But he never believed he might actually have a chance to get it."

"Right. And now?"

"And now there's a very good chance he'll get what he wants. Hopefully."

Carlos studied him, expression unreadable. Kendall hated it when he couldn't tell what Carlos was thinking.

"What if Kendall wants those things for the wrong reasons?" Carlos finally asked.

"What if Carlos is wrong about Kendall's reasons?"

More silence as Carlos worked through it in his head. To give him time, Kendall grabbed two more slices of pizza and set one on Carlos' plate. On a whim, he lifted the piece off of the white bear's plate and pretended to feed the furry creature.

Carlos busted up laughing. "Dude, what is with you tonight?"

Glad his silly moment had the desired effect, Kendall grinned and shrugged his shoulders. "I'm happy."

"Are you?"

"Ecstatic." And he was. He was here with the person he loved most in life, the one he wasn't leaving without. "Aren't you?"

"It's not me I'm worried about."

"No?"

"No. It's Carlos." He reached over to pick up the brown bear, setting it in his lap and petting it. "Carlos doesn't want to get used to something that might not last forever."

"Why wouldn't it last forever? Can't you see they're crazy about each other?"

"For now. What if things change and something...better comes along? He's afraid there's something Kendall wants more and if it ever became available..."

_Oh, Carlos. I love you so much. _ "So he's thinking Kendall isn't in this forever?"

Carlos shrugged, his expression a mixture of dread and sadness.

"Well. We can fix that. Come here, Kendall." He lifted the white bear onto the table, shoving the plate and pizza box out of the way before setting it down in front of him. "Get Carlos up here, this is important."

A bit suspicious, Carlos did as he was told. He moved his own plate and bottle, then sat the brown bear across from the white. When Carlos looked closer at the white one he blinked in surprise.

Dangling from a short string attached to the white bear's paw was a gold ring. "Kendall would like to marry Carlos. He's wanted it from the time he first knew he was in love. He's never known how to say it but thinks it's time to stop fucking around and just do it already, because he can't live without Carlos anymore. The only problem is that this..." He untied the string and pulled the ring off, then continued, "...is way too small to fit on Carlos' paw. So you'll have to wear it for him."

Carlos' face drained of color. "Kendall, this isn't funny."

"Give me your hand."

"No," Carlos whispered, shaking.

"Carlos. Give me your hand."

"Kendall, you don't...you can't just..."

"Carlos," Kendall begged softly. "Please."

Looking as if he wasn't even thinking about what he was doing, Carlos extended a trembling hand. Kendall took it in his right, then pressed the ring to the tip of Carlos' finger.

"I've loved you since the moment you knocked me down on the playground and then came back to make sure I was okay. I loved you when you wanted to be me for Halloween because I was your superhero."

Carlos blushed but didn't look away, eyes glued to Kendall's in anticipation.

"Carlos, I have loved you most of my life. I don't know how to live without you and I don't want to learn. This past year has been the toughest of my life. I made a mistake when I left you, I thought it would make things easier to be away from you but it hasn't, it's only made my loneliness worse because my sunshine wasn't around to brighten my days."

"But you love Logan."

"I have never loved Logan, not like that. I understand why you would think that, I should've just admitted everything, but it's always been you. Just like for you it's always been me."

Hand still shaking, eyes still so afraid to believe, Carlos whispered, "I didn't know. Not until yesterday."

Kendall nodded as he rubbed his thumb over the back of Carlos' hand. "Remember prom? How I got sick at the end? I sat in the corner and watched you dance and pretended it was me. I wanted to be her. That's when I knew. And since then, there's been no one else, no one who would compare to you. I watched you date everyone else but me for ten years and lived with it, but only barely."

"Why did you move? Why did you leave me?"

Kendall would spend the rest of his life making that up to Carlos, he knew it. "It hurt too much. Every time I saw you with someone else, I died a little more. It got harder and harder to keep from claiming you. By the time I moved, I could barely keep my hands off you. And I couldn't tell you because I was afraid to push you away."

"You realize running away from me is the worst possible way to bring me closer?"

"I do now," Kendall chuckled. "And just for the record? I hate Jenna. If she touches you, she dies."

Carlos' eyes widened, then he let out a shocked laugh. "I didn't think that worked."

"It worked, Carlos. And to be honest, if you did choose her over me, or anyone else over me, I'd live with it and be there for you the way I always have been. As long as you're happy."

"You love me, though?"

"I'm always gonna love you. That's never gonna change. Bottom line is this: I've loved you for as long as I can remember and I'm an idiot for not telling you sooner. I'd do anything to make you mine. This weekend was the most incredible time of my life and I want more weekends like that, want every day to be like that. I can't live without you anymore. Carlos Garcia, will you marry me?"

Kendall was now shaking too, knowing what happened next would set the course of his life. If Carlos said no, there was no coming back from this moment, no undoing it. He'd either just made the best move of his life or completely ruined it, possibly ruined _both _their lives.

Carlos wasn't breathing. Kendall thought maybe he should remind him to but was afraid to say anything at this point, especially when he realized that he'd stopped breathing as well. He waited, trying to read Carlos' expression for a sign, but there was nothing. When had Carlos gotten so good at hiding things from him?

_Apparently a long time ago. Don't destroy me, Carlos, don't destroy us, I promise I'm worth the risk I won't let you down let me love you let me be the one who-_

Carlos' finger slowly slid into the ring. Kendall watched it happen, heart thundering as he gasped softly, then met Carlos' gaze. "Yes?" he breathed.

There was no verbal answer right away. Instead teddy bears went flying, plates were shoved further aside, and bottles crashed to the floor as Carlos climbed over the table and tackled Kendall. His chair tipped back onto the floor and he let out an "oomph" sound when Carlos landed on him.

"Fuck yes," Carlos answered before attacking Kendall's lips, somehow managing to straddle Kendall over the chair. It dug into Kendall's back but he didn't care, all that mattered was the body moving over him and the words he'd longed to hear. "Yours," Carlos said against his mouth. "Don't ever make me regret it."

"Never." Kendall's hands slid up into Carlos' hair to pull his face away. "Do everything in my power to keep you happy, that's all I've ever cared about is making sure you're happy. I love you and I should've said it years ago."

"Yes. You should've. If you'd kissed me after the prom I would've known it then. I wouldn't have wasted ten years trying to find someone who was right in front of me of me all along. Does California allow gay marriage?"

"Not at the moment. I'm sure it'll come back eventually, though."

"So what states do? Let's move there."

"Damn, Carlos, you in a hurry or what?" Kendall laughed.

"Now that I have you I'm making sure you don't go anywhere."

"I won't." Lifting his face for a tender kiss, Kendall continued, "You're stuck with me now." He ran a hand over Carlos' hair, a thumb over Carlos' lips. "Come home with me."

"It doesn't matter where we are. As long as I'm with you, I'm home."

The words so echoed Kendall's own heart that he was overcome.

"Are you gonna cry?" Carlos teased gently. "Don't cry, I have plans for you."

"Oh, really?" His grin felt like it would be plastered on permanently.

"Mmm."

Then Carlos' tongue was in his mouth and fuck, how did a simple kiss set his entire body on fire like this? _Because it's not just a kiss. He's practically fucking me with his tongue and I want more, want this forever, Carlos Carlos Carlos..._ "Need you," Kendall begged.

"Yours," Carlos replied in between kisses.

"Now."

"Right here."

Rolling them over and off the chair, Kendall pinned Carlos to the floor.

"Oh fuck," he muttered, body rocking up into Kendall as much as it was able.

"Fucking you is gonna be insane. I'll be surprised if you don't come the second I take command."

"Halfway there now," Carlos whined breathlessly. "Do it."

"Not yet." After a quick kiss, Kendall stood up and pulled Carlos with him. "In too much of a hurry to take my time right now. Missed you."

"Then why aren't we still on the floor?"

"Because what we need is in your room." He scooped Carlos up into his arms and rushed to the bedroom, dumping him on the bed and going in for the attack. He had Carlos stripped in under a minute, loving the way Carlos was a mess just from him taking charge. "You're so hot, Carlos, fuck. Nobody else sees this side of you."

"Nobody else has ever made me feel like this," Carlos replied hoarsely. "Hurry, Kendall, stop teasing me."

"I got you." Another minute and Kendall was naked, the next they were prepared and Kendall was on his back next to Carlos. He pulled Carlos over him. "I missed you. Own me, show me I'm yours."

"Mine," Carlos confirmed.

"All I ever wanted to be."

Then Carlos was inside him, right where Kendall loved him most. There was no desire to take it slow this time, neither of them had it in them to make this anything more than what it was—the physical act of Carlos claiming Kendall as his own, finally. "Promise me," Carlos demanded. "Promise me it's always gonna be me."

"Always has been," Kendall gasped as Carlos moved inside him. Still it wasn't enough. He bucked up into each thrust, needing more and more and more. "Never gonna get enough of you. Marry me, be my husband, show the world you're mine."

"Already said yes oh god fuck, Kendall!" His movements sped up until both of them were unable to speak so instead they kissed, breathing each other in. With a final long moan Carlos came, body stilling over Kendall. "Love you so much, never thought I could love someone like this."

"I'm special," Kendall reminded him.

"So special," Carlos agreed tenderly. He sat up onto his knees and jacked Kendall until he exploded. "Jesus Christ, Kendall, I could watch you do that for-"

"-the rest of your life? Yeah, it's gonna happen." He laid there panting but managed to smile up at Carlos, who smiled in return.

"So in case I haven't said it yet, I love you."

"Say it again."

Carlos chuckled. He leaned down and said against Kendall's lips, "I love you. I'm going to marry you. And we're going to adopt a shitload of kids and teach them to play hockey. Scared yet?"

"Not even close. At our wedding I demand you vow to eat one corn dog a day in front of me."

"Only one?"

"We won't make it past one."

"Good point. I demand you kiss Carlos goodnight every single night."

"I plan to. Oh, you meant the bear? The one you threw to the floor like it was nothing?"

"Hey, I was a little distracted. I'll make it up to him."

"I'd rather you make it up to me."

"And we cuddle every night that we can. That's another demand of mine."

"How about now? Does that work?"

Carlos sighed in contentment and moved off of Kendall to snuggle in at his side. "Gotta say, this is way better than cuddling with a teddy bear. You cuddle back."

"So when we can't be together, you still have Kendall."

"And you still have Carlos. Can we have a wedding for them, too?"

"Carlos, are you serious? That's a bit much."

"You promised. Anything I want."

"You are so silly."

"So is that a yes?"

Kendall sighed. "Anything you want."

Carlos grinned and squeezed Kendall tighter. "We don't really have to do that. I was just testing your loyalty."

"You are such a little shit."

"You love me."

Leaning in to kiss Carlos, Kendall whispered, "I do."


	14. Chapter 14

Author's Notes: I do not own Big Time Rush or any of these characters, and I make no money off this whatsoever.

I know Kenlos isn't a pairing a lot of people can get behind, and I admit it took me a while to see it myself, but once I did there was no going back. This is a sequel to Because I Wanted the Best, which was the story of James and Logan meeting and falling in love. Now we have Kendall and Carlos, because as I wrote that story, Kendall kept whispering to me that he was lonely. He wanted Carlos. I tend to stay away from Carlos, but in this case I gave in because...well, because it's Kendall and I can't say no to him. I explained to him it would be a challenge to make Carlos fall for him, but he said he lives for a challenge. Yeah, I don't know. So here we go.

Dedicating this to my two awesome betas,** kathrynew30** and **Aranelle**. They're both happy to see Kendall going after what he wants, and happy to see more of Carlos for once. And this is still fun to write, because it's lighter than what I normally do and makes me laugh. I hope you like it, too! Thanks for giving it a try.

In case I haven't said it enough, thank you for reading this and for letting me know you love it. Reviews truly do spur me on and make me want to write more, and as a lot of you know they also give me ideas when we discuss the story with each other. I love the conversations I have with you guys and getting to know you and what you like (and don't like) about the story. It helps more than you know. I love you guys. :)

**FIRST.** It is important to me to reply to every single review I get, to show my appreciation for your appreciation. The past few days, though, the links in my emails from FF haven't been working. They all say the page doesn't exist. I don't know if it's just for me or for everyone posting here, but it's frustrating and I apologize now for not responding to the reviews I've been getting. See the above paragraph. I'm really hoping this fixes itself because I love replying to you guys so much.

**SECOND.** This chapter was never supposed to happen. Then again, in Because I Wanted the Best, Carlos was never even going to be mentioned, and we see how that worked out. I ended up writing an entire sequel around him that is more than twice as long as the original story. So I guess I should just stop saying "That's never gonna happen" because it seems like it always does anyway. Yesterday James insisted on this chapter being written and I suppose it was necessary before I can move on to the real wrapping up of things. It feels weird to be writing from Logan's POV in this story, but it would be even weirder to tack it onto the first story so I'm just going to continue everything in this one, no matter who the chapter centers around.

Again, thank you for reading, and I'm so happy that everyone liked the previous chapter. :)

* * *

><p>"<em>I got him."<em>

The text made Logan smile. Really it was no surprise; when Kendall put his mind to something, he always did get it. Had he consciously gone after Carlos years before, Logan had no doubt Kendall would have been successful.

"_Good boy. Proud of you. You staying a while?"_

"_A few days. We're engaged."_

That got Logan doing a spit-take, coffee spraying all over his laptop. "Damn it!" Cursing Kendall, Logan retrieved a wet cloth from the kitchen and attempted to wipe up the mess.

"_You alive?"_

"_You're an asshole."_ Logan sent back. He cleaned up what he could, mind reeling. When Kendall went for something, he went big time.

"_Because I'm getting married?"_

"_Because you're a jerk who springs shit on me with no warning. My laptop might be damaged now."_

"_Oops. Date tonight?"_

"_At some point. I never know what time he'll be free."_

"_He's a busy guy."_

"_Where's Carlos?"_

"_Showering. I didn't give him time when he got home. ;)"_

Logan laughed._ "Nice. Tell him I'm happy for you guys."_

"_I miss you."_

O...kay. That wasn't what he expected to hear from Kendall. Logan frowned, then his heart melted when he realized the incoming text was from James, not Kendall._ "I miss you, too. Where are you?"_

"_I just did. He says thank you. Now I'm gonna go rock his world some more. Goodnight."_

And that was Kendall. Now it was getting confusing._ "Goodnight, dude. Call me tomorrow and tell me all about it."_

"_On my way to the hotel. I wish you were here."_

Oh, James was in one of _those_ moods, the ones where he ached for Logan and said things like "I feel like I'm gonna die if I don't touch you right now." Part of Logan loved them, even though he hated that James was in agony, because he knew exactly what James was feeling and liked knowing he wasn't alone in that.

"_I will. Say hi to James for us."_

Us. It was no longer "me and Carlos," it was _us_. Logan grinned, remembering the way they'd acted at breakfast the other morning. And at the game, and at Disneyland. His two best friends happy and in love and it was about damn time. _ "Got it. Goodnight."_

Logan still couldn't believe they were engaged, though. Just like that, Kendall had made his dream come true. Five days ago he'd been whining that he needed to get over Carlos and move on, and now there were plans for a marriage at some point. It was insane.

It was also romantic and beautiful and causing emotions in Logan he wasn't sure he wanted to examine more closely. Of course he was happy for them. Ecstatic!

_So why am I irritated? Why do I feel this slow burn whenever I think about it? They deserve this._

_They kissed for the first time a few days ago! And just like that they're engaged? I've waited five years for this guy!_

But really, that wasn't fair and Logan knew it. Technically, Kendall had waited ten years. Being jealous of Kendall and Carlos was absolutely ridiculous.

_You are way too wrapped up in this guy, Logan. Just because he calls you his husband doesn't mean he has to make good on that. He doesn't owe you anything._

_Why don't you just do it yourself? Quit screwing around and ask James to marry you. _

There was Kendall's voice in his head, Kendall of course telling him to go after what he wants. Kendall always told him that. And he knew Kendall had a point in this instance, but what if James wasn't ready for marriage? What if it was all talk? He had a career, one that required devotion to it practically 24/7. Logan was being selfish to expect James to drop everything and beg for his hand in marriage, no matter how many times the word "husband" was used.

_You've only been dating a few months. Not even that. You have an incredible career of your own and a boyfriend who is devoted to you in every way. You don't need anything else, Logan. Be happy with what you have._

Logan jumped slightly when his phone buzzed on the table in front of him. _"You there? Are you on call tonight? Please don't be on call tonight. I need you."_

And suddenly Logan needed James, too, so intensely it was a physical ache running through his body._ "I'm here. I miss you."_

"_Almost there. You gonna be up a while?"_

"_Of course. I'm waiting for you. And it's still early here."_

There was nothing from James for almost ten minutes, and then finally the words he'd been longing for. _ "Signing in."_

_Finally. _Logan carried his laptop to the living room couch and plugged it into the wall, always careful after the night it had died at the worst possible moment. He would never make that mistake again. After settling down comfortably, he signed in. That beautiful face filled his screen, except... "Why is it so dark?"

"Can you see me at least?"

Logan could, but it was like James was in shadows. "Your face, but nothing else."

"That's all that matters. The power's out here."

"At the hotel?"

"Yeah. Using a flashlight and praying my laptop battery lasts a while. Fuck, it's good to see your face. Going crazy without you today."

That was no surprise. James had probably been insecure ever since their earlier phone call when he'd admitted to giving Carlos the idea to make Kendall jealous. "Hey. I love you."

That took care of the frown. With a huge smile, James answered, "I love you, too. And I miss you."

"I know. How was today?"

James fiddled with his phone, reading a text or maybe email, and then he set it down. "Good. Did a bunch of press and a photo shoot. Worked out. Had dinner with Jimmy. You know, the usual."

"Except no concert tonight."

"Not tonight. Are you on call?"

"No. I'm cutting back on that."

"You don't have to. I know you do it for me but-"

"I want to. We don't spend enough time together as it is, I'm not gonna make it worse."

"How did I get so lucky? Sometimes I can't believe it, and I lay in bed at night wondering how it happened. I can't imagine my life without you now."

Logan smiled. He knew that feeling so well. "You won't have to. I'm not going anywhere that you aren't."

"You have the most beautiful smile. Have I ever told you that?"

"I think so, the night you called me for phone sex. You told me you love my smile."

"Ah, that was a great night. And you said you love my eyes."

"I do. I love the way you look at me, the way you are right now. Like there's nothing else you'd ever want to look at."

"You're my favorite thing," James said softly.

_Oh God come home and marry me right now, I can't stand this anymore, I need to be yours in every way._

The doorbell rang and Logan once again jumped, startled.

"What's that?"

"My door. Someone's at the door."

"Ignore it."

"I can't, what if it's important?"

James sighed. "Okay, just hurry. I don't know how much longer my battery will last."

"Be right back. Don't go anywhere."

Glad he was still dressed, Logan peeked through his peephole and frowned. _Girl Scouts? Really?_ He opened the door to the two uniformed little girls standing on his porch, one about eight and the other maybe ten.

The oldest one spoke. "Good evening, sir. We're trying to raise money for a trip to the mountains. We've never seen snow before."

"Isn't it a little late for you two to be out by yourselves?"

"Mom's in the car back there, it's cool. Would you like to buy some Girl Scout Lollipops?"

"Girl Scout...what?"

The youngest held out a handful of brightly-colored suckers. "They're only a dollar each. Please, sir, I want to build a snowman."

"What happened to cookies? Don't you guys sell cookies?"

"They changed it this year, said cookies are too expensive to make now and people are broke, so this is better for both sides."

Strongly reminded of Katie Knight as a child, Logan licked his lips in amusement. "So you're selling suckers. Why am I not surprised?" He reached into his pocket. "Give me ten."

The youngest shook her head, eyes wide.

"Twenty?" Logan tried.

"The thing is, we're running out and we still have a whole block to go. That never happened with cookies, let me tell you."

Hit with a wave of nostalgia for the old days because this girl was reminding him more and more of Katie, Logan smiled when he realized that both Katie and Mrs. Knight would be part of his daily life once more. _And James, too. James will be here and they'll love him and finally things will be right._ "Okay, how many can you sell me?"

"Just one." She nudged the younger girl, who held out a red lollipop.

_Of course. Just like the one I gave to James the first time we met. It always comes back to James, doesn't it?_ "Sold." He dug out a twenty and passed it to the older girl.

"Sir, it's only-"

"Keep it. And don't forget to make snow angels while you're there."

"Thanks, dude! Here, this is for you."

Logan took the proffered sucker. "You're welcome. Have a good night."

He returned to the couch with a huge grin on his face. James was still there, focused on his phone. "Hey. Look what I just bought."

James glanced up, then did a double-take. "Where did that come from?" he grinned.

"Girl Scouts. Apparently they now sell suckers."

"Suckers? What the fuck happened to cookies?"

"That's what I said. I love those Tagalongs."

"Of course you do, it's peanut butter. I'm a Thin Mints kind of guy."

"You're a Logan kind of guy."

James shook his head, the huge grin back. "I am, yes. No question."

"Put your phone away. This is our time."

"I know, just gotta send this text to Jimmy. Suck on your lollipop while you wait."

"Mmm, you'd like that, wouldn't you?"

"You know it." With a last nod, James set his phone down and focused on Logan again. "Funny, isn't it?"

"What's that, gorgeous?"

"How it always comes back to lollipops with us."

"Yeah. It was our first bonding moment."

"I'll never forget your face after that came out of your mouth. You turned so red and looked like you wanted the ground to swallow you up. It was adorable."

Logan blushed thinking about it. "And look at us now."

"Look at us now," James repeated.

Something shifted in his eyes and Logan's breath caught. He knew that look. "James, fuck." It was like a switch flipping inside him, setting his body on fire and screaming to be touched.

"Suck on it," James whispered. "Pretend it's me."

"Oh god. Fuck." How did James do this to him with a few simple words? He felt like he was about to combust. "I can't," Logan whined.

"Are you blushing over this? After everything we've shared, sucking on a lollipop makes you shy? You've sucked on far worse. Or better, I should say."

"So much better," he agreed, and the lust swirling through him was always a surprise when it hit like this, hard and intense and unyielding. "James, why aren't you here?"

"You know I'd kill to be. Give you something sweeter to suck on."

_Oh god oh god fuck James fuck can't stand it so hot-_

"Show me," James commanded softly. "Make me wish I was that lollipop."

He wasn't even thinking anymore. Hands ripped at the plastic film that covered the sucker until it was gone, and then the sweet candy taste was in his mouth but it wasn't candy he was tasting, it was James. Eyes closing in ecstasy, Logan moaned.

"Holy fuck, Logan, don't stop. Hottest fucking thing in the world, Jesus I can't even stand this."

Logan opened his eyes slowly, the sight of James' own lust making him hotter. He didn't think, he just acted, showing James what he would do if it wasn't a lollipop in his mouth but James instead. He couldn't see outside the camera's range but knew it when James' hand went to his pants, then he followed suit with his own. Even through the material it was insanely good.

"Logan," James groaned. "Miss you so much, don't stop."

Logan had no intention of stopping, not until he witnessed James falling apart and satisfied. He continued to lick and suck the sweetness, the candy disappearing faster and faster until his teeth scraped against the stick. Except the stick was paper and his teeth shouldn't catch on it quite like that. It was also at a weird angle.

He pulled it out of his mouth and stared, mouth dropping open slowly as his heart slammed around in his chest. It wasn't the stick, it was something round that stood out in silhouette when Logan held the sucker up to the light. "James," he whispered. "No." He looked at the screen but James was gone. "James! James, no! No, not now, not now it can't die now no no no no fuck James come back please come-"

"I'm right here," that delicious voice whispered from just behind him.

Logan spun to see James on his knees next to the arm of the couch, expression a tiny bit fearful but so in love. Hardly able to find words due to the sudden tears in his eyes, Logan asked, "James...is this...are you...?"

"If you want me to be." James moved around to kneel in front of Logan. He closed the laptop and set it on the coffee table, then plucked the sucker out of Logan's shaking fingers. There was a cracking sound when he bit into it, then used his mouth to suck away the scattered bits of candy still clinging to the ring.

"How are you here?" Logan whispered.

James let the ring drop into the palm of his hand before answering. "I've been here since before you got home from work. Hid in the basement."

"You were here the whole time? And the Girl Scouts..."

"Jimmy's nieces. Pretty clever, huh?" James was extremely proud of himself.

"I can't...you actually...James, how are you even real? How can all this be mine? I can't be this lucky. I can't."

"You can. Just say yes and it's yours. I'm not perfect and I'm insecure and maybe a little too in love with myself sometimes, but since you came into my life there's been nothing more important to me than you. Everything I do is with you in mind. Every decision I make, every idea I have, you're a part of it somehow. I know what you're thinking, it's too soon for this, we only just met a while ago but I won't ever find this again, I know that. What we have...it's everything I've always wanted, only _more_. For the rest of my life, whatever steps I take I need to know you're right next to me, that I'm never alone. Even if I'm halfway across the country, I feel you next to me. I don't ever want to live without that, without you in my heart and me in yours and-"

It was too much. Logan's brain couldn't take anymore, it was already about to burst hearing James say these things. He shut James up by dragging him close for a kiss that said the word he couldn't find it in him to say aloud. James clung to him, climbing up onto his lap and kissing him back with the same intensity until neither of them could breathe and Logan had to pull away, panting.

"I love you," James whispered. "I always will."

"I know. You're never gonna lose me."

"Is that a yes?"

Logan held up his left hand. "I'm waiting."

With a relieved laugh, James slid the ring onto Logan's finger. "Does it fit okay?"

"It fits beautifully," Logan answered tenderly. "There has never been a more perfect fit in history."

"You're so cheesy. I still love that about you."

"You'll love it even more when I'm ninety and feeding you lollipops because it's all you can eat."

"That's kind of scary to think about. And yet...I like it. You'll always be there to take care of me."

"As long as I can be. You're my favorite patient, you know."

"I'd better be." James grinned and kissed Logan once, then lifted Logan's hand to kiss the ring.

The romantic side of Logan flailed a bit on the inside. "And you say I'm cheesy."

"I'm just in love. I make no apologies for my actions when it comes to you because they're beyond my control."

"I am so damn lucky. Can't get over it. How long do I have you?"

"For the night. I have to fly out in the morning."

"So when did you fly in?"

"This afternoon. As soon as they called to tell me the ring was ready, I grabbed Jimmy and chartered the plane."

"Good thing you didn't have a show tonight."

"Very good thing. After everything that happened today, I was desperate to get to you."

Logan nodded, touching James' face. "Do you feel better now that we're engaged? You know you're not gonna lose me?"

"Better, yes. Doesn't mean I'm taking you for granted."

He leaned in to press a soft kiss to James' lips. "My husband."

"_My_ husband."

"Take me to bed?"

"It's all I ever want to do."

"I love that about you. And why are you still dressed? I thought the rule was when we're together, you're naked."

"That works both ways." James stood up before lifting Logan off the couch like a bride.

"Is this how you're gonna carry me after we get married?"

"This is how I'll carry you always. I'm hoping you'll forget how to walk so you always have to lean on me."

"James, stop," Logan begged as he was laid down on the bed. "I'm not here because I need you. I'm here because I love you and I want to be."

"I know. But you need me too, right?"

As James lowered himself to the bed to lay over him, Logan realized that he_ did_ need James. James had become as essential to him as food and water. He wasn't sure he liked that, but when he met James' loving gaze he knew he wouldn't change it. This was where he belonged. "Yes," he answered. "I need you. As much as I need air to breathe."

"I love you," James stated yet again. "I don't think I'll ever stop saying that, so I hope you don't get tired of hearing it."

"Never," Logan replied. "Because I love you, too, and I'm gonna say it just as often."

They kissed for a long time, content to do just that for a while, until their hands started roaming over familiar places. "Why are you still dressed?" Logan whined.

"Because you are."

"Fix that."

"On it."

As Logan watched James moving in the dark, he was overwhelmed with so many emotions he didn't know how to put any of it into words. They were finally naked and when James moved back into place over him, Logan tried to say everything he was feeling in one sentence. "I love you."

"I love you, too," James whispered, then said everything else he wanted to say through touch.

Logan understood every word perfectly.


	15. Chapter 15

Author's Notes: I do not own Big Time Rush or any of these characters, and I make no money off this whatsoever.

I know Kenlos isn't a pairing a lot of people can get behind, and I admit it took me a while to see it myself, but once I did there was no going back. This is a sequel to Because I Wanted the Best, which was the story of James and Logan meeting and falling in love. Now we have Kendall and Carlos, because as I wrote that story, Kendall kept whispering to me that he was lonely. He wanted Carlos. I tend to stay away from Carlos, but in this case I gave in because...well, because it's Kendall and I can't say no to him. I explained to him it would be a challenge to make Carlos fall for him, but he said he lives for a challenge. Yeah, I don't know. So here we go.

Dedicating this to my two awesome betas,** kathrynew30** and **Aranelle**. They're both happy to see Kendall going after what he wants, and happy to see more of Carlos for once. And this is still fun to write, because it's lighter than what I normally do and makes me laugh. I hope you like it, too! Thanks for giving it a try.

In case I haven't said it enough, thank you for reading this and for letting me know you love it. Reviews truly do spur me on and make me want to write more, and as a lot of you know they also give me ideas when we discuss the story with each other. I love the conversations I have with you guys and getting to know you and what you like (and don't like) about the story. It helps more than you know. I love you guys. :)

FIRST. It is important to me to reply to every single review I get, to show my appreciation for your appreciation. The past few days, though, the links in my emails from FF haven't been working. They all say the page doesn't exist. I don't know if it's just for me or for everyone posting here, but it's frustrating and I apologize now for not responding to the reviews I've been getting. See the above paragraph. I'm really hoping this fixes itself because I love replying to you guys so much.

I'm having a problem with this story, and it's a problem I've never had before. I don't want to stop writing it. With every other story I've ever written, once the conflict is resolved I wrap it up nicely (sometimes too abruptly) and move on to something else, because I get bored without a "goal" to work toward. Other than Everything in Its Time (which only got a sequel because I wasn't happy with the way it ended), I've never had the urge to keep writing the characters once it's all worked out. With this one, though, I feel a tug to write even when I have nothing really to work toward. I mean, the conflict is resolved. Kendall and Carlos are together, Logan and James are together, and each couple is blissfully happy. SO WHY DO I KEEP WRITING? I don't know. I can't seem to stop. So at this point, if you lose interest in the story because nothing's really happening, I completely understand. I guess I'm just gonna keep going until I stop feeling that pull.

There's really no point to this chapter at all except I felt like there should be some James/Kendall bonding and some Logan/Carlos bonding. And of course now that I wrote this chapter I want to write more and I just...WHAT IS IT WITH THIS STORY? WHY CAN'T I STOP? I think it's Carlos. I made a mistake letting myself write Carlos. He's wrapped me around his finger. But uh...yeah, okay, this chapter seems pointless but I enjoyed writing it so...

**NOTE: ** FF does not let me do heart emoticons. Please note that when you see a 3, it's a heart. :)

* * *

><p>The airport was crowded and loud, two things Kendall didn't enjoy unless it was a party or a game. Hell, he didn't even really like huge parties all that much; give him a quiet place to talk with a friend (or boyfriend) and he was happier. Still, he was on his way home to Carlos, and that was what mattered.<p>

His phone vibrated in his pocket and he smiled. _ Almost there, love. Almost there. _ It wasn't a text from Carlos, though, but one from Logan. He was only slightly disappointed as he took a seat at the terminal and read it.

"_What time are you coming in?"_

"_About 3:30."_

"_James comes in at the same time. Carlos and I will be there together to pick you up."_

"_Perfect. See you then."_

It was nice that Logan and Carlos were rebonding. Kendall knew there had been some weird feelings on Carlos' end when he'd believed Kendall loved Logan, and when the four of them were together it was tough for them to talk because Logan was wrapped up in James.

_And Carlos is wrapped up in you. Don't forget that._

Kendall grinned. Yeah, that was true. He couldn't wait until Christmas, when Carlos would finally get his beloved swirly slide. He wondered if he could convince the company to install it on Christmas Day, if he offered enough money. No amount was too much for his Carlos.

_I am so weak when it comes to you. It's worth it, though, to see your face light up with that big smile. And to have you thank me properly when we're alone. Carlos, I love you so much it's like an ache inside me. And why haven't you called me yet? _

He was being ridiculous. He knew Carlos was working half the day and would call as soon as he was able. It was just that Kendall missed him dreadfully, hadn't seen him in over a week. Thank god for Christmas break from the team so they'd have some real time together. Since Carlos had moved out to L.A. there hadn't been much of that, not with hockey season getting into gear. Even if it was only three days, it was three days with his guy, interspersed with holiday cheer and family. But Carlos would be at his side for all of it, and he'd already volunteered to go along with Carlos and the family to serve food to the homeless on Christmas Day. Surprisingly, so had James.

_It's not really a surprise. He isn't giving up any time at all that he can spend with Logan. And it'll do him good. And can I please board the plane now? I miss you, Carlos._

His GM hadn't been happy when he'd requested to take an earlier flight home on his own rather than fly home with the team, but he honestly didn't care. He was selfish where Carlos was concerned, or at least with his time. There simply wasn't enough of it.

Phone buzzing again, Kendall grinned.

"_Are you on the plane yet?"_

_Logan._ Where was Carlos? _"No, in the terminal waiting to board. Why?"_

This time when his phone vibrated, it was an incoming phone call. Kendall answered with, "What's up, buddy?"

"You got a few minutes?"

"Of course. Everything okay?"

"Yeah, I'm just...nervous."

"About what? James coming home?"

"Yeah. He's coming home for good, you know? The tour's over."

"But that's a good thing, right?"

"It's the best thing ever. He asked me to move in with him."

"I figured that was coming. Why are you nervous?"

Logan was silent for a moment. Kendall shifted in his seat while he waited, knowing Logan would get it out eventually.

"Because now it's real."

"It wasn't before?"

"It was, it just...now we'll see each other every day."

"Right. And...?"

"Kendall, what if he gets bored with me?"

_Oh, Logan._ "Are we back to that again?"

"I'm serious! It's great when we get together for a day or a few days, we can't get enough of each other, but what if after a month of it he gets bored? We both know I'm not all that exciting."

"Logan Mitchell, you have what he needs. If he needed exciting, he could have that with a million different guys. He_ likes _boring."

"You know, I'm not sure you're helping here."

Kendall laughed. "I'm trying to say that he wants the stability he has with you. He wants the forever, the knowing you're not going anywhere and are totally devoted to him. He likes that you have a job that gives you something to do when he's not there, but he also likes that you're satisfied with just hanging out with him. Watching a movie, eating dinner, a day at the beach. He doesn't have to put on a show for you, and he loves that more than you know."

"How do you know all that?"

"We've talked a little. Not a lot, but there have been moments we're left alone, and we talk."

"About me."

"It's what we have in common. I thought you wanted us to be friends."

"I do, but I don't know that I like you two talking about me. You're not still telling him embarrassing stories about me as a kid, are you?"

"No, Carlos does enough of that."

"God, the two of you. It's a wonder James still loves me."

"It's not, it makes perfect sense. You two take care of each other in a weird way. It's sickening, but in a good way."

"_We're_ sickening? You mentioned teddy bears? And I heard something about a marriage proposal done with a teddy bear? You didn't share that part with me, Kendall."

Kendall blushed. "It worked, didn't it? He loves the damn bears."

"So do you, admit it."

"Maybe a little."

Logan chuckled. "Yeah, we're all a bunch of saps. I never thought I'd feel this way about anyone. James is amazing. The way he affects me, it's crazy."

"I know. I can't say no to Carlos about anything."

"You never could."

"True."

"You know, your mom told me the other day she saw this coming."

"What, me and Carlos?"

"Yes. Said she knew it when you came out to her. She thought back and noticed all the signs she missed. I asked if she also thought you and I were in love, and she said no, she always knew it was Carlos. Apparently that's why she didn't try to talk you out of moving; she knew you were hurting."

"Damn. She never said anything to me."

"Maybe she didn't know what to say. So Kendall, really? You think James won't get bored with me?"

"Logan. James is crazy about you. He calls you whenever he can, video chats with you every night, spends every free moment he can home with you. The guy is nuts about you. That's not gonna change."

"But-"

"Look. Would you ever get bored with him?"

"With James? Of course not. He's beautiful and talented and sweet and funny and-"

"And he feels the same way about you. I can tell that much. Dude, they're calling my flight, I gotta go. Trust me, okay? All he wants is you for the rest of his life."

Logan sighed. "I'm just so nervous."

"Stop that. He-"

"Oh, he's calling me. Have a safe flight."

The line went dead and Kendall laughed, shaking his head. _Yeah, he's really gonna get bored with you. Sure, Logan. _

As Kendall moved toward the gate, he frowned. Still nothing from Carlos. He'd really wanted to hear something before getting on the plane. Even a quick "I love you, have a safe journey."

Ten minutes later he was settled in first class and sighing. He pulled out his phone to send his own text to Carlos, but one popped up just then. _"Did I miss you?"_

"_Almost. On the plane now."_

"_I'M SO EXCITED! :D I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YOU!"_

Kendall grinned. _"Be there in about three hours. Still working?"_

"_Just got out. Lunch later with Logan and then we'll be there. I love you."_

Oh, the things Carlos did to his heart. _"I love you too."_

"_Kendall has missed Carlos. ;)"_

"_This Kendall has also missed Carlos."_

"_I love you."_

It never got old. Ever. Those three words would forever make Kendall happy. _"I love you too. Shutting down now. See you soon."_

"_:D :D :D :D 3"_

And now he'd added the heart. Such a silly little thing, but it made his own heart sing. He sent one more text back to Carlos. _"3"_

"Well well well, fancy meeting you here."

Kendall looked up in surprise. "James?"

"Dude, what's up?" Kendall was pulled up into a quick hug. "I thought you traveled with your team."

"I thought you traveled privately."

"We couldn't get a flight booked, it's Christmas! Everything's already rented, and I didn't want to wait any longer. Jimmy!" When the bodyguard Kendall vaguely remembered seeing at Logan's office months ago approached, James said, "Would you mind trading seats with Kendall?"

"James, you know I prefer to sit next to you when we travel. It's my job."

"We're on a plane, how far away can I go? And you can keep an eye on us from back here."

"You're the boss."

"Thanks." When Kendall was resettled into a seat closer to the front, James whispered, "He's irritated because I keep doing this. It's not fair, he's just trying to do his job, but how much trouble can I get in on a plane?"

"Depends on how many of your fans are on this plane."

"I'm usually safe here. Got mobbed in the airport, but now that I'm on the plane it'll be fine. Logan said we were due in at the same time, so they're picking us up."

"Yeah, it's nice they're spending time together."

"So Carlos really thought you loved Logan?"

"Didn't you?"

James nodded slowly. "Yeah, I guess I did. You two are close."

"We are, but it's totally different than what we feel for you and Carlos. You know that now, right?"

They fastened their seatbelts for takeoff before James answered. "I do. Especially after seeing you with Carlos. It's disgusting."

"Shut up, you two are worse."

"Not even. We're just horny."

"Right. Which is why Logan gets flowers delivered almost daily, and phone calls ten times a day, and even a song written about him. It's all your dick talking. Wow, are you blushing? I've never seen you blush."

"He's special to me, alright?"

"I know," Kendall smiled. "I'm in the same boat, so I can tease you about it."

"I heard about the teddy bears. I remember Carlos winning you that one at breakfast."

"Yeah, he's a softie."

"You love it."

Kendall hesitated, still not comfortable baring so much of himself to James. Then again, who would understand him better? "I...yeah. I really do."

James grinned. "It's good that we ended up on the same flight. I feel like we don't talk enough. And it's important to Logan that we do."

"Can I tell you something? He'd kill me for this, but you should know that he's terrified you're going to be bored with him after a while."

James blinked. "Bored...with Logan? Is he crazy?"

"That's what I told him. That's like me getting bored with Carlos. It hasn't happened in twenty-three years, it's not gonna happen now."

"Twenty-three years?"

"Yeah, we met when we were four. On the playground."

"That's so adorable I might puke. Where's my barf bag?"

"Shut up!" Kendall shoved James lightly. "My point is that Logan's afraid once you two are together every day, things will get boring for you."

"Logan, Logan, Logan. How can I make you see what you do to me?"

"I hope Carlos doesn't think that way. It never occurred to me. I could never get bored with that guy."

"I don't think anyone could, he's a ball of energy."

"And Logan's not; he's sedate and calm and rational and I think that's why he fears you would get bored. He says he's not exciting."

"Please, five minutes in the bedroom disproves that theory. You should see the way he-"

Kendall held a hand up. "Dude. Don't need to know. What is it with you two wanting to tell me about your sex life?"

"We're proud. It's certainly never boring."

"Make sure he knows that. Because he just called me worried about it."

"He's crazy. I'm gonna tell him that when I see him." James reclined his seat, stretching out some. "I hardly slept last night. Too excited. I can't believe I'll have him every day. Did he tell you he's moving in with me?"

"He said you asked, but never told me his answer. I assumed it was a yes."

"I gave him a choice," James said defensively. "Told him his place or mine."

"Yeah, that sounds about right."

"You know, I'm still a little pissed at you."

"_You're_ pissed at _me_? After you almost ruined my chances with Carlos?"

"That worked out fine, get over it. You beat me to the proposal. How the fuck did you even do that? It took me weeks to get it all set up and you just barge into Carlos' house and ask?"

"Hey, I waited ten years for that moment. It was the only way to show him I was serious about him, that I wanted him over Logan."

"Still. You stole my thunder."

"I did not! Logan called me crying the morning after you left. Trust me, he was ecstatic."

"You should've let me go first. That's all I'm saying."

"Dude, this is not worth arguing over. We both got what we wanted. That's all that matters."

"I guess," James shrugged. "But next time check with me first."

"Yeah, next time I decide to pop the question to someone, I will." Kendall rolled his eyes. "You're ridiculous."

"Logan loves me just the way I am."

"And now you're twelve."

"Whatever." Shifting gears, James asked, "So do we get to see you play anytime soon? I haven't been to a hockey game in ages."

"There's a home game on the 27th. Against the Sharks, and you'd damn well better root for me and not them or I'll tell Logan not to marry you."

"Evil."

"Like he'd listen."

"He takes your advice to heart, Kendall. Trusts you more than anyone else."

"Not more than _anyone_. You've slid into place for that."

"He loves me, but I don't know that he trusts me. My judgement, I mean."

"That's what best friends are for, I guess," Kendall reasoned. "You need to get one of those."

"So does Carlos. We should hang."

"You should. Logan would like that."

"And you wouldn't?"

"I didn't say that."

"Dude, are we good? I know we're probably never gonna be best buds or anything, but we can at least be friends, right?"

"James, as long as Logan loves you and you treat him right, you're automatically my friend. Just keep doing what you're doing."

James didn't answer right away, eyes closed. Kendall assumed he was asleep until he said, "I love him so much. I can't lose him, Kendall."

Kendall squeezed his arm. "I know. As long as you continue to love him, you won't."

"I don't know how to _not_ love him."

"I remember thinking that about Carlos once. I don't have it in me to stop loving him. I've tried."

"We're so lucky."

Settling back into his own seat and closing his eyes as he pictured Carlos' excitement upon seeing him again, Kendall nodded. "We are."

* * *

><p>Karen greeted them with hugs. "Hi guys, how are you?"<p>

"Karen!" Carlos squeezed her before sitting back down in the booth. "I haven't seen you since the first time I came here with Kendall."

"Yeah, where have you been?" Logan asked, settling into his seat.

"Took some time off. Family stuff. Everything's fine now, so happy to be back at work. How are things with the uh..." Karen bit her lip, not sure how much to say in front of Carlos.

"It's fine, Kendall got him. You know, Carlos, it was Karen who helped Kendall figure out you were trying to make him jealous."

"Oh, that. Yeah, not one of my better moves."

"But you two are...together now?" she asked.

Carlos held up his hand, showing off the engagement ring with a huge smile. "We're gonna get married."

"Oh my gosh, that's so sweet!" She hugged Carlos again. "And your man promised me I'd be at the wedding."

"You will be."

"And how about you, gorgeous? I hear you've got a hot man yourself."

Logan blushed but lifted his own hand. "Engaged on the same day as them. We're all crazy."

"Aww, so happy for you guys! All of you! Where are the others?"

"Flying in as we speak," Carlos beamed. "We're picking them up after lunch."

"Look at you two, so full of smiles. It's cute. Now what are we eating today?"

Once the food was taken care of, Carlos bounced in his seat. "Logan. Guess what?"

"You're gonna see Kendall today."

"I know! Isn't it awesome?"

"It was the other twenty times you told me, too."

"Oh yeah? Well guess what else?"

"What?"

Carlos leaned forward and said quietly, "You're gonna see James today, too."

Instant blinding smile.

"See? It's not just me."

"It's not. I just keep it contained better than you."

"And guess what else?"

"I'm not sure I want to."

"You do, Logan. You're moving in with him. To live with him. Sleep with him every night. Wake up next to him every morning."

"Okay, stop. Just stop. I can't handle this right now."

"Aww, you're nervous. That's so cute, Logan!"

"It's not cute, it's annoying. And I forgot what it's like to hang out with you alone."

"Is that bad?"

"No, it's just...you. Somehow you always have a way of shooting right to the center of the issue and harping on the thing that makes me most nervous or scared."

"So why are you nervous, dude? It's not like you haven't spent days and nights together. Did you know Kendall holds me all night? I wake up and no matter what time it is, he's right there cuddled up to me. I love that."

"Don't the teddy bears get in the way?" Logan teased.

"They don't sleep in the bed with us, Logan."

"So they have their own little bed?" Logan thanked Karen for the drinks and salads she set down.

"No, they go on the floor at night. Who knows what happens then."

"_You_ are silly."

"I have fun. So really, are you nervous or something?"

Logan shrugged, not used to talking like this to Carlos. "I just worry he'll get bored, you know? Same thing, day in and day out."

"Really? James can't get enough of you. When we're together all he does is look at you and touch you."

"Yeah, but that's because he knows our time is limited. What happens when he can look at me and touch me all the time?"

"Then he'll look at you and touch you all the time. You're over-thinking this, Logan. Quit being a nerd. Kendall says you're hot. I trust him."

Logan choked on his food before taking a drink to clear his throat. "Excuse me?"

"He does."

"You've talked about that?"

"We talk about a lot of things. But he says you're hot and you don't see it."

"Do _you_ think I'm hot?"

"The only guy I think is hot is Kendall. There really aren't any other guys I'm attracted to. Does that make me like...not gay or something?"

"I suppose it makes you bi. Like Kendall. Though he prefers men. You prefer women."

"Not anymore. I just prefer Kendall."

Logan smiled. They really were too adorable.

"What about you? Do you think I'm hot, Logan?"

"Oh god, why did we start talking about this?"

"Do you?"

"You have your moments."

"Really?"

"Yes. Don't let it go to your head."

"I won't. But that's cool. You think I'm hot."

"Can we change the subject now? Why don't we talk about you and Kendall for a while? Get my mind off James."

"Impossible. Your mind is always on James. Do you ever slip up and call your patients James?"

"Carlos, it's not that bad. I do things outside of James. Just like he does things outside of me, and you two do things outside of each other. It's healthy to have time away."

"What's he gonna do while you're working?"

"I don't know. He's got a lot going on, a new album in the works. We haven't really talked about it much. And that's why I'm so nervous."

"Logan, dude. Don't be nervous, okay? You guys love each other. _A lot._ There's nothing to worry about. And if he gets bored, I'll drag him to work with me. He can go talk to people and try to...whoa. DUDE. He can be our spokesperson! We would make so much money if we used him!"

"Nice, now you want to exploit my husband for your own gain."

"Oh please, it's a good cause. And if you asked him, he'd totally do it. Ask him, Logan. Come on, ask him. He can just do a commercial or something, or go to a few meetings with me. Imagine how many more donations we'd get."

"He's already spending Christmas at the shelter with us. Why don't we see how he likes that before I whore him out to the masses?"

"He's gonna love it, everyone always does. It changes your life, man. You'll love it, too, promise." Carlos sat back when Karen slid their plates in front of them.

"Anything else I can get you guys?"

"I think we're good," Logan answered. "Thanks. So tell me how things are with you and Kendall."

"You already know. They're perfect. Except he's gone a lot, but I expected that."

"I know how you feel. Why don't we ever hang out when they're gone? You don't still think Kendall's in love with me, do you?"

"Nah. He proved that to me the day he asked me to marry him. Still can't believe it." He ran a finger over the ring lovingly.

"You kept trying to push us together and every time, it killed Kendall. I wanted to strangle you for that."

"It killed me too, okay? You think I _wanted_ you together? I mean, I didn't know my feelings for him were like that, but the jealousy was crazy."

"Then why did you do it?"

"Because I thought you would make him happy. I wanted him happy. Wouldn't you do that for James? Push him toward someone else if he would be happier?"

Logan paused while chewing. "Honestly? I don't think so. And I'm not proud of that. I'd probably try to hold on and keep him from the other person."

"Well, you and James are different than me and Kendall."

"So you'd push Kendall away now? If he fell in love with someone else?"

"He's not going to. I'm gonna make sure of that."

Logan laughed. "Yeah, you'd hold on, too."

"Now I would. Or at least try. Are you guys coming to Kendall's game?"

"We are. James doesn't know about it yet, but he'll want to go. Especially since they're playing the Sharks; that's his favorite team."

"I spit on the Sharks."

"You spit on any team that isn't Kendall's."

Shrugging but not arguing, Carlos finished the last of his sandwich. "How much longer?"

"A little over an hour."

"We should go."

"We've got plenty of time."

"Logan," Carlos whined. "I want to be there when he steps off the plane."

"You can't go to the gate, dude."

"I know, but still. Are you done yet?"

"Okay, fine." Logan wiped his hands and mouth, then picked up the check. "Can I pee first or is that not allowed?"

"Just hurry. I know you're nervous, but it's gonna be fine, Logan. He loves you."

Logan smiled softly. "He does, doesn't he?"

"More than you can imagine."

Smiling wider, Logan stood up to go pay the bill.

* * *

><p>Their phones buzzed at the same time. Kendall chuckled and glanced at James, who was pulling his out of his pocket. Kendall read his text aloud as he followed James into the terminal. <em> "Is my Kendall home yet?"<em>

James went next. _"We're here. Where are you?"_

"How are we not running?"

"I would if there weren't all these people blocking my way."

"I bet Carlos runs when he sees me."

"I might get a fast walk out of Logan."

"But a huge grin."

"Yes, that for sure. Fuck, people, move!"

In their part of the terminal, Carlos tugged on Logan's arm. "He just answered. He said yes, he's almost here."

Logan nodded, eyes on his own phone. "James just says he loves me."

"_Just?_ Dude, what else do you need to hear?"

"Nothing," Logan answered. "Absolutely nothing." His body was a live wire now that James was close. He scanned the arriving crowd, bouncing on his feet slightly. "Where are you?"

"Come on, let's get closer." Carlos dragged Logan along, Logan not fighting it.

The second they got a clear path, James rushed forward. Kendall followed in his wake, heart beating fast. His Carlos was close.

"Oh my god, look at him. He's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen." James was gone, shooting across the terminal, eyes on no one but Logan. When Logan felt him he looked over, his own heart crashing, and started running.

"Kendall!"

As usual, Carlos found him first, and Kendall laughed as he was once again tackled, Carlos jumping up into his arms and wrapping around him. He met Carlos' kisses eagerly, holding tight and swaying with him.

James spun Logan around, then set him on his feet but held on, pulling Logan close. They stood there for a full minute, Logan's face against James' chest and breathing him in.

"You probably didn't know this, but I missed you," Carlos grinned.

"I never would have guessed." Kendall kissed Carlos again. "I missed you, too."

"I get you for three whole days. Four, really. You'll still be here on game day."

"I'll be busy, but yeah. Still here. Did I mention I missed you?"

"No, you should tell me again."

Kendall laughed and kissed Carlos' forehead. "I'm gonna set you down now."

"If you must. Come on, let's go get your luggage so we can go home." Dragging Kendall away, Carlos didn't wait for the other two, knowing they'd catch up eventually.

"Hi," James finally said against Logan's hair.

Logan lifted his face and smiled. "Hey."

Tilting his chin up further, James leaned down to kiss Logan. "Missed you."

"Yeah." Logan lifted up again for another kiss, drawing it out.

"I need to be alone with you," James whispered.

"Yeah," Logan repeated. "We'll drop them off first, then I'm yours."

"I'm not leaving again, not for a long time."

"I know."

"I plan to make good use of my time."

Logan smiled, eyes twinkling. "I'm counting on that."

James finally stepped back, but immediately slid an around around Logan's shoulders to keep him close as they walked. "I can't wait to wake up next to you every morning for the rest of my life."

"Except when you're on tour."

"Or when you're at a conference."

"You're coming with me for that."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

James stopped walking and turned Logan to face him. "Do you have any idea how much I love you? Can you even comprehend a glimmer of it?"

Logan bit his lip, emotions rising. "I hope that never changes."

"Only gonna get better, babe. Only gonna get better."

Logan stepped forward and clung to James, who held him tight.

"Never doubt that, Logan. But every time you do, I'll take you somewhere and make love to you until you believe it."

"Oh. You know, suddenly I'm doubting it."

Chuckling, James kissed Logan's hair. "Why am I not surprised? Soon, love. Soon."

"Let's hurry." Logan held James' hand as they went to search for their friends. It was only when James was away that the insecurities crept up. Now that James was home, he was at peace again.


	16. Chapter 16

**Author's Notes:** I do not own Big Time Rush or any of these characters, and I make no money off this whatsoever.

I know Kenlos isn't a pairing a lot of people can get behind, and I admit it took me a while to see it myself, but once I did there was no going back. This is a sequel to Because I Wanted the Best, which was the story of James and Logan meeting and falling in love. Now we have Kendall and Carlos, because as I wrote that story, Kendall kept whispering to me that he was lonely. He wanted Carlos. I tend to stay away from Carlos, but in this case I gave in because...well, because it's Kendall and I can't say no to him. I explained to him it would be a challenge to make Carlos fall for him, but he said he lives for a challenge. Yeah, I don't know. So here we go.

Dedicating this to my two awesome betas,** kathrynew30** and **Aranelle**. They're both happy to see Kendall going after what he wants, and happy to see more of Carlos for once. And this is still fun to write, because it's lighter than what I normally do and makes me laugh. I hope you like it, too! Thanks for giving it a try.

In case I haven't said it enough, thank you for reading this and for letting me know you love it. Reviews truly do spur me on and make me want to write more, and as a lot of you know they also give me ideas when we discuss the story with each other. I love the conversations I have with you guys and getting to know you and what you like (and don't like) about the story. It helps more than you know. I love you guys. :)

OKAY SO THIS CHAPTER. IS TOTAL FLUFF. Not even kidding. I wanted to write a Christmas chapter of this story, so I did. The story is not done, though there's probably only one chapter left (two at the most). Right now I'm so wrapped up in "If You Can't Stand the Heat" that it's a miracle I wrote this at all, but yesterday I finally got hit the with Christmas spirit and this is what came out. It's ridiculous and silly and honestly, just plain fluff but I hope you like it. Next chapter will be the wrapping up of things, I think. And when that chapter will be written, I really can't say. While it was fun to visit these guys again, Kendall and James (mostly James) is pulling me back to Heat already so we'll have to see how that goes.

The chicken thing...I used it. I blame **Gleechild** for the idea, after we had a conversation about Jarlos on Twitter today and the vision wouldn't leave me I incorporated it into this story. It's always been one of my favorite Jarlos friendship moments on the show and I wanted James and Carlos to bond in this, so...yeah.

Anyway, I want to wish every one of you a Merry Christmas (or whatever holiday you celebrate) and thank those of you who have wished me the same in reviews. I never would've thought it would make me so happy to be wished a Merry Christmas by you guys, but for some reason it makes me get all warm and toasty inside each time I read that from one of you. So thank you. I love you guys so much. You just have no idea.

OH. AND I JUST FOUND OUT IT'S **WATERWICCA**'S BDAY. That **waterwicca**. She has reviewed me from day one on FF, from the very first time I posted Minnesota Wild, I think, and I could not love her more. So I'm dedicating this chapter to her, which is weird because she's an angst whore and this chapter has no angst in sight, but hopefully she'll like it anyway. HAPPY BIRTHDAY HEATHER! :D Hope you enjoy your ice cream cake.

* * *

><p>James and Logan dropped the other two at their home with the promise they'd be back in a few hours for dinner and to stay the night; it was Christmas Eve after all, and the plan was for everyone to gather the following day at the home Katie and Mrs. Knight shared.<p>

Kendall barely got into the bedroom before being tackled to the bed, his suitcase falling aside. He laughed as Carlos devoured his lips while attempting to get his shirt off. "Hang on, you animal! Can I at least get my shoes off?"

"We can do this with our shoes on. I missed you."

Kendall melted. "I missed you too." He kissed Carlos once, caressing his face. "Know who else missed you?"

Carlos grinned down at Kendall. "Carlos?"

"Absolutely. He missed his Kendall. Hold on." Kendall set Carlos aside gently before sitting up to lean down and open his suitcase. He pulled the teddy bear out and handed it to Carlos, who hugged it and then set it next to his own white bear.

"There. That's better. They get lonely, you know."

Kendall nodded. "I do know. You been doing okay without me? I know you put on a brave face for me at night when we chat."

"And I know you have Logan keep an eye on me. Is that why he keeps trying to get me to have lunch with him?"

"Maybe, but I think it's more that he misses me and James. He gets lonely too, you know."

"He always calls when I can't get away. I'd go with him if I could."

"You should. I think he thinks you still have something against him."

"I never did. I was just jealous."

"I know," Kendall replied. He kicked off his shoes and laid back on the bed, pulling Carlos over him. "I'm not sure _he_knows that, though."

"Okay, maybe I'll get him to bring lunch by instead of going out."

"He'd do that. James wants to hang out with you, too. Just the two of you. You okay with that?" Unable to restrain himself anymore, Kendall pressed his lips to Carlos' neck, sucking gently. He still couldn't believe he was allowed to do this, to touch and kiss Carlos whenever the urge struck him.

"Mmm, Kendall, can't think when you do that. What was the question?"

"James," Kendall grinned. "Hang out with James." He sucked harder, forcing a groan out of Carlos.

"Sure. Anything you say. Just...oh god. Missed you. Don't tease me."

Figuring they could continue the conversation later, Kendall rolled Carlos over onto his back, not even caring when the bears fell to the floor. "Missed you too. So much."

Carlos helped with the clothing and then they were naked, mouths and hands busy as Kendall prepared them. Carlos was eager, spreading his legs for Kendall and pressing up; just as Kendall had predicted, they'd discovered that Carlos loved being possessed and manhandled. He pushed his way into Carlos, who groaned again and held Kendall close.

"Perfect, you're always so perfect," Carlos managed as Kendall moved.

"Only for you. Never felt this good before you. Carlos, god! Missed you so much, hate being away from you."

"Hate it," Carlos agreed, then he shut Kendall up by pulling his face down to smother him with a kiss. He didn't need words right now, they shared plenty of those every night over the computer. Carlos loved that time, but nothing compared to this, to having Kendall right here and moving inside him, owning him.

When it was done they cuddled together and talked quietly, not about anything important but it didn't matter. What mattered was that they were together and able to touch each other, for the few days they knew would fly by.

XXX

Logan came with a scream that was loud enough to shake the walls, the sound reverberating through James' body and bringing him to a shuddering orgasm that left him breathless and panting as Logan collapsed over him, pressing him down to the mattress. "Jesus, Logan," James gasped, trying to breathe. "And you think I could ever get bored with you?"

It took a minute, but finally Logan was able to reply. "It's one of my fears, yes."

"It's a silly one. God, can't you tell when we talk at night, or even just on the phone? Can't you hear it in my voice, how much I miss you?"

Logan pulled out and sighed, running a hand down James' back and waiting for James to turn over before cuddling up to him. "I know you miss me. It's when you're home all the time with me that I'm worried about."

"It can only get better, Logan. And you'll be working a lot anyway. That way I can miss you during the day. I do expect lunches with you here and there, though. Kendall can't have you all the time."

"Here we go, you getting jealous of Kendall again. You're as bad as Carlos. I still can't believe all those years he thought we were in love."

"You two have a special bond. It's...a little scary sometimes. To be in love with someone who's so close to his best friend."

"Okay, but I don't want to fuck my best friend. Or even cuddle like this."

"So you two have never cuddled?"

Refusing to answer that, Logan instead started kissing James' neck, one hand drifting up to tangle in his hair.

"That's what I thought. But it stops now, okay?"

"It stopped the day he flew to Minnesota. We did cuddle a little on the couch because he was sad and I was sad, that day you both left. But it's nothing...I can't explain it. It's a comfort thing. If I had a choice, you'd be the one I cuddle with every second. And how did this go from me worried about losing you to me reassuring you that I don't want Kendall? Who's the one with the abandonment issues here, anyway?"

James laughed softly. "Apparently we both are. Feel free to kiss my neck some more, that might help the cause."

"We don't have all night, you know. We're having dinner at Kendall's. Did you tell Jimmy he's invited, too? And where the hell did he disappear to, anyway? Wasn't he on the plane with you?"

"Yeah, we said our goodbyes before getting off. He had family waiting. I did invite him to dinner tomorrow night, but he has plans. Though if I told him he had to work, he'd be there."

"You know, I'm still not comfortable with him leaving you unprotected so much. Do you just forget that you're famous?"

"It's my choice. I don't want that part of my life ruining what we have. And it can, if it creeps in too much. I love my music, but I love you more."

"When we're out, though..."

"If I ever felt the need or like it was getting too much, I'd call Jimmy. But for now...I'm good."

"Okay. What time is it?"

"Who cares? I'm home, let's not even look at the clock."

"James, I'm cooking dinner. I have to be there."

"Fiiiiiiiine. It's almost five."

"We should get going."

"But we only fucked once."

"We have all night."

"They'd better not bitch if we go to bed right after dinner."

"You know," Logan smiled, "something tells me they might beat _us_ to bed."

* * *

><p>Kendall spun around when Logan entered the kitchen, nodding at him before continuing his search through the freezer. "I see the corn dogs, but where's the chicken?"<p>

"Oh, behind the ice cream. I was afraid Carlos would see it."

"Thanks for getting all this, dude. I would've if I'd been home, but..."

"I know. Grab the lasagna while you're in there."

Kendall set out a box of corn dogs, two boxes of dinosaur-shaped chicken, and a big pan of frozen lasagna. "Carlos is gonna shit when he sees the chicken. Remember how much he used to love that stuff?"

"Yes, even at fifteen he played with his food. The things you do for him...speaking of which, when is the swirly slide being installed?"

"I got them coming over tomorrow while we're at the shelter. Paid them a crapload to do it on Christmas Day."

"But Carlos is worth it, right?"

"Always. Where's James?"

"I left him in the den to wrap presents. He's all secretive because he's wrapping mine and yours."

Kendall looked over in surprise after dumping chicken on a cookie sheet. "James got me something?"

"He did. And you're gonna love it."

"Shit."

"Don't worry, he's not expecting anything from you."

"I did get him something, I just didn't think he'd do the same."

"Really?" Logan turned on the oven, then opened the refrigerator to dig out salad fixings. "What'd you get him?"

"Something he didn't need, from what I've heard, but he'll like it anyway."

"Tell me!"

Kendall grinned, then stepped closer and said quietly, "I bought him a mirror."

"Uh...you know he has over a hundred of those, right? Like...I can't walk anywhere in his house without seeing myself. It's kind of creepy."

"Yeah, but this mirror's cool. It's from the 1700's. It came from some old Scottish castle and is supposed to be haunted."

"Oh good God, Kendall, don't give him a haunted mirror. He believes in that shit, okay?"

"So does Carlos. When I told Carlos about it he made me promise to wrap it myself because he didn't want to touch it."

"What are you trying to do, scare my man away?"

"Like that would work even if I wanted to. I'm telling you, that guy's not going anywhere." After pulling the lasagna out of the box, Kendall found a plate for the corn dogs. "Should we just nuke these?"

"Yeah, that's fine. I had every intention of cooking an actual meal, you know. Not this frozen crap."

"I knew we'd be short on time and want to be with our guys as much as we could. This works."

"Weirdest Christmas Eve dinner I've ever had, that's for sure."

"Carlos will love the chicken. James will love the lasagna. And with those two happy, what more do we need?"

Logan nodded as he tossed lettuce into a bowl. "You're right. There's nothing else, really."

XXX

Carlos bounded down the stairs and toward the kitchen but stopped when he saw someone in the den. He peeked in and grinned. "James! What's up?"

James jumped, then relaxed when he realized it wasn't Logan. "You scared me, I thought you were Logan. I'm wrapping his present, wanna see?"

"Cool!" Carlos took a seat on the floor next to James, head tilting as he looked it over. "It looks old. What is it?" James opened the worn case and Carlos' eyes widened. "That looks...uh. He's not gonna actually _use_ that stuff on anybody, is he?"

"No way. It's an old doctor's kit, from back when they actually sawed off shit instead of treating it. I don't even know what half this stuff is for, but it's the actual tools they used hundreds of years ago."

"Where did you get something like that?"

"Bought it from a museum in Italy. Think he'll like it or is it too much?"

"I think it's creepy, but he'll love it. They cleaned it up nice. I bet that cost a lot."

"Logan's worth it. Knowing him, though, he'll insist I spent too much money on him."

"I can't wait for you to open Kendall's gift."

"Kendall actually got me something?"

"Duh, you're family now. He doesn't hate you, you know. But I think he thinks you hate him."

James shook his head. "We kind of cleared that up on the plane. He's not a bad guy, really."

"I never thought he was," Carlos smiled. "He's perfect."

"Perfect for you."

"Yeah. And hey, even though it kind of almost ruined things for me and Kendall, thanks for that idea about getting him jealous. In a weird way, it worked."

"I never expected him to send you home without breaking, Carlos. I knew how he felt about you and figured jealousy would push him over the edge."

"Doesn't matter now. It all worked out. So what did you get Kendall?"

"Logan says I can't tell you because you might accidentally spill to him."

"What? That little shit. I can keep a secret."

"Not very well, according to Logan."

"But how will you know if Kendall will like it?"

"Logan said he will."

"But I know Kendall best. He is my man, after all."

"True. And Logan could just be saying that to make me feel better. It's nothing big, and I wanted to do something more for him but he has pretty much everything, right?"

Carlos nodded. "He does. He's rich, you know?"

"Exactly. One night Logan and I were looking through old photo albums and I noticed that in most of the pictures Kendall was wearing a beanie. He seemed to like those a lot."

"Yeah, he used to wear them all the time. Not so much now, because it doesn't get cold enough here to really wear them a lot. I kind of miss that."

"So I bought him a bunch. Like went to six different stores and bought them all out. Every color, every design, whatever he wants. He's got it."

"That's...actually pretty cool. He'll totally love it, dude."

"You're sure? It seems kind of impersonal-"

"Not for Kendall. If you know him well enough to buy him a beanie, that's not impersonal at all."

"Okay, cool. I was worried."

"Nah, don't be. It's a comfort thing with him, like some people have comfort foods? Kendall has beanies."

"So my present for you...it's not much, either. But I'm pretty sure you'll love it."

"Dude, you didn't have to get me anything!"

"Duh, you're family now," James replied, and they both laughed.

Family didn't have to be bound by blood. Sometimes love was enough.

* * *

><p>"I smell lasagna!"<p>

"I smell corn dogs!"

Kendall and Logan looked at each other across the table they were setting. "I think we're caught," Logan said.

"Think so. Carlos is still gonna die over the chicken, though."

"Can we come in now?" James begged. "At least bring me a beer?"

"Come on in," Kendall relented. "It's almost ready."

James and Carlos practically ran into the kitchen and took seats across from each other, looking up in expectation.

"They're like kids," Logan commented.

"Big adorable ones." He set four bottles of beer on the table, then followed it with the bowl of salad. "Corn dogs and chicken are done, the lasagna's cooling, we're just waiting on the garlic bread."

"Who needs garlic bread when you have corn dogs?" Carlos asked.

"Dude. You don't mess with garlic bread. Have you _had_ Logan's garlic bread?"

"Of course I have, James. I was there when he learned to make it."

Logan raised an eyebrow. "You mean you ate it all when I learned to make it."

"I was your taste tester. Needless to say, it tasted great."

Kendall smiled at Carlos. "I love you."

"I uh...oh. I love you, too. What brought that on?"

Shrugging, Kendall replied, "I don't know. I just do."

"Aww. See, guys? This is why I wanted Kendall. He's sweet."

To Logan, James said, "Remember when they used to complain about us? Said we were too affectionate?"

"I do. Funny how things work out, isn't it?"

"You should come over here and kiss me. Just so they remember how disgusting it is."

Logan did, bending down for a kiss that started out sweet but turned more heated as they continued. Finally Kendall interrupted. "Hey. Garlic bread's gonna burn."

"Oh shit! Sorry, James. We'll do more of that later."

"We'd better. Thanks a lot, Kendall."

"Hey, it's your garlic bread I'm looking out for here."

A few minutes later they were all seated around the table, James and Carlos staring hungrily at the dishes. "Pass me the corn dogs! And I don't want any jokes about blowjobs tonight, okay? I just want to enjoy my meal." With a wink at Kendall he added, "Blowjobs are for later."

"Tease," Kendall grinned.

"What kind of chicken nuggets are these?" James asked. "Are they like...kid shapes?"

Carlos looked more closely, then his jaw dropped. "Dinosaur-shaped chicken! You guys got me dinosaur-shaped chicken!"

Logan laughed. "Merry Christmas, Carlos."

"Thanks, Logan! This is so cool!"

"Hey, it was my idea," Kendall inserted. "Don't I get a thanks, too?"

Carlos jumped up and settled on Kendall's lap for a kiss. "Thank you, Kendall. Want to fight?"

"Not particularly."

"Don't even ask," Logan warned, knowing where Carlos was going.

"Fine. You guys suck." Sitting back down in his own seat, Carlos picked up two dinosaurs and faced them against each other. "You'd think I wouldn't find this so much fun at twenty-seven."

James watched, amused, as Carlos gave his chicken sounds, making the pieces roar at each other as he mashed them together. "You know, you're doing that all wrong."

"I'm...excuse me?"

"There's no way a triceratops could take down a T-Rex."

"You want to bet? Triceratops are strong."

"Yes, but T-Rexes are taller. They could just bend down and take a chunk out of the tri-top before it even knew what hit him."

"Are you challenging me, Mr. Diamond?"

"I could be."

"Get your T-Rex up here."

Logan and Kendall watched in disbelief as the two went at it, making their dinosaurs "fight" each other while the rest of their dinner grew cold. "Should we uh...stop them?" Logan asked.

"I...you know...I'm kind of beyond words at this point. How about we just eat our food and catch up?"

"I'm good with that. So, Kendall. How's the team doing?"

Truly neither minded as it was nice to see their boyfriends bonding, even if it was in such a strange way. Carlos seemed to bring out a side of James Logan hadn't witnessed much, but it was a fun side that made Logan want to hug him tight and ruffle his hair. What he loved most, though, was the way the four of them had grown to be a family of sorts.

After dinner the two couples sat around Kendall's living room with a Christmas movie on, catching up for a while before the talk died away to be replaced with sounds of a more amorous nature. It wasn't long before they took themselves off to bed, each of them finally able to take as much time as they wanted.

* * *

><p>They met up with Mrs. Knight and Katie at the shelter early the next morning, Carlos going into work mode with the two of them and the rest of their staff. Out of their element, Logan, Kendall, and James took direction from everyone else, helping set up for the families that would come through for breakfast. Then they joined the front lines, serving food side-by-side and hearing stories that simultaneously broke their hearts and helped them appreciate their own lives even more than they had before. Seeing the joy on the faces of these people who had so much to cry about, their hope in times of certain hardship, it changed them all in some way.<p>

When they broke away after the breakfast session, James pulled Logan aside. "How do I donate to this place?"

"We can ask Carlos. I was wondering the same thing. I swear, half of my savings is going to this place by tomorrow."

James nodded. "Me, too. These people...I can't, Logan. I want to take them all home with me."

"I know. It's...the kids. Such beautiful children and why haven't I offered my services to this place yet? Free medical care, on all my days off I'm here and seeing patients and...James, we could do so much for these people. You and me and even Kendall. Why haven't we before this?"

"Because we didn't know."

"Carlos wants you to be their spokesperson. He says with your face in their campaigns, they could raise a lot more money."

"Whatever it takes. My next tour, at least half the proceeds go to this. I just..."

"I know, babe. I know." Logan hugged James tight, as overwhelmed as James was. "The kids who recognized you. So precious. You made their Christmas just by being here."

"This whole day is amazing. I'm with you, I'm actually doing something that matters, I'm with my family...do you have any idea how much you've changed my life? And you think I'd ever get tired of this?"

Logan lifted up onto his toes and kissed James. "Did I mention I want kids?"

"We uh...you did. Once."

"Seeing you with those kids today...I want them with you. Scared yet?"

"A little, yeah. Doesn't mean I'm going anywhere."

"Good." One more kiss and then Kendall called them over to start preparing for the afternoon dinner.

The rest of the day passed the same, their hearts opening even wider as they continued to meet people. The more Logan watched James with children, the more he knew James had it in him to be a good father and that it would only be a matter of time before he accepted it himself. Logan hadn't thought it possible, but he fell even more in love with James and couldn't wait to make him a legitimate husband.

There was a late dinner with Katie and Mrs. Knight, followed by a gift exchange and much laughter (no one mentioned to James that the mirror was supposedly haunted, which Logan was grateful for). Kendall was pleasantly surprised by the beanies, shoving one onto his head immediately and hugging James with gratitude. Carlos was beside himself over the pair of annual passes to Disneyland James had gifted him with.

Afterward the four returned to Kendall's house, James surprising Logan by asking if they could stay there for the night. When Logan wondered why, James answered with "I just have this hunch they're gonna need us." He wouldn't elaborate further, but Logan trusted him and the other two had no problem with it.

Carlos had been whining for over an hour because he still didn't have his gift from Kendall, who hadn't taken it over to be opened along with the others. Kendall had given him a few little things but promised his big gift was waiting at home, and Logan couldn't understand how Carlos hadn't guessed what the gift was but then again, Carlos tended to forget things. When Kendall led Carlos into the living room, where he'd had the swirly slide built (and praying the job had been done without a hitch), both James and Logan had their phones out and recording video. Carlos did not disappoint, actually jumping up and down and tackling Kendall before running up the little staircase attached and standing at the mouth of the slide. "GUYS! I GOT A SWIRLY SLIDE!" He raised his arms in victory, then shot himself into it and came out at the bottom where Kendall was waiting with open arms. "I love you so much, Kendall! You're the best boyfriend ever!"

Kendall beamed. Carlos was his and happy, and that was all he'd ever wanted.

* * *

><p>James was in his favorite place, a bed with Logan, lost in sensation and thinking he could die happily when the yells penetrated. "Fuck," he groaned. "Here we go."<p>

"What?" Logan stopped moving and listened, hearing what James had—both Kendall and Carlos calling their names. "What time is it?"

"I don't know, like two?" James sighed and rolled off Logan. "They couldn't have waited until we were done?"

"Considering we've been doing this all night, I don't know that we ever _will_ be done. What are they yelling about?"

"I've got a guess, and it's the reason I wanted to stay here tonight." Pulling on his pants, James tossed Logan his own. "Come on. And bring the video camera, I want to watch this in fifty years."

Logan followed James out into the living room, where James found a switch and flipped it on. He saw no one and frowned, but then heard Kendall's voice from the slide. "Guys!"

Carlos joined in. "Help! We're stuck!"

"Oh my god. You didn't," Logan scolded.

James started cracking up, nodding at Logan. "Knew it. I so knew this was gonna happen."

"I tried to tell Carlos it was a bad idea! I told him this would happen, but he wouldn't stop. He just had to fuck in the swirly slide."

"I thought it would be fun! Admit it, Kendall, you were having fun!"

"Yeah, until we got stuck. Help us, guys!"

"I'm not sure we should." Glancing at James, Logan continued with a smirk, "You two deserve this. Sex in a children's toy? You should be ashamed."

"Shut up, Logan, you're just jealous because I got a swirly slide and you didn't! Just for that, you don't get to ride it anymore!"

"Like I want to after you two soiled it?"

"Logan, quit arguing with him and get us out of here!"

"You still filming, babe?" James asked.

"Of course. This might end up on YouTube."

"Logan Mitchell, if you don't get us out of here right now I'll tell James about the fucking on a pony thing!"

"Fucking on a...what now, Logan?"

Logan's eyes widened and he shook his head at James. "It was a nightmare I had once, okay? He won't let it go. I fucked someone on a pony while my mom watched. It was gross."

"Did you wake up turned on?"

"James, is this really the time to talk about it? Our friends are stuck in a slide!"

"He did, James! He told me he woke up with a woody!"

"Kendall, do you want to stay in there all night? We can leave right now."

James laughed and hugged Logan from behind. "Don't be embarrassed, we all have weird dreams sometimes. Fucking on a horse, though...that's...can we do it without your mom watching?"

"I...can we just...Carlos, help me out here!"

Kendall's voice drifted to them. "I think he's about to pass out, guys. Seriously, help us out."

Dropping the camera, Logan joined James, then ran up the steps. He pulled on Kendall's arms while James pulled on Carlos' legs, and soon enough Carlos slid to the bottom. "You okay, buddy?"

"Yeah. Not a lot of air in that thing, which is weird since there's a big hole at the top. And I'm uh...naked in front of my friend's boyfriend. That's not awkward or anything."

"Oh." James spun away, suddenly embarrassed himself. "Logan, are we good to go back to bed?"

Logan climbed back down to the floor as he answered. "Yeah, are you guys okay?"

Kendall nodded. "A little raw where the slide rubbed me, but otherwise good. Carlos, we are _not_ doing that again. Ever."

"Fine. Let's just go to bed and be boring, then."

Kendall frowned after pulling himself up to sit at the entrance to the slide. "Do you really think I'm boring?"

"Of course not. You could've said no, but you were willing to try it. That makes you not boring."

"Goodnight, guys. I'm taking the love of my life back to bed, if you think you can stay out of trouble long enough for me to rock his world."

Logan hugged James. "You always rock my world."

"Even if I'm scared of kids?"

"You're telling me today didn't change that?"

James shrugged. "I want to talk more about it."

"The fact that you're willing to talk about it says something. Take me back to bed."

James swept Logan off his feet and carried him into the room, leaving Carlos to stare up at Kendall. "You want kids, right?"

"Hell yes."

"Good. In the meantime, wanna try that again?"

"Carlos! I said no!"

"Come on, it was hot! You loved it until we got stuck!"

"And we'll get stuck again! No!"

"But I was thinking, if we tried it in a different position-"

"No!"

"Please?"

"No! Wait, what position?"

Carlos grinned up at Kendall. "I love you."

Kendall smiled back, his chest filled with the same warmth every time he heard those words from Carlos. "I know. Never stop saying it, though. So tell me...what position?"


	17. Chapter 17

**Author's Notes:** I do not own Big Time Rush or any of these characters, and I make no money off this whatsoever.

And five months later, we finally make it to the final chapter. It's extremely short, but since everything was pretty much wrapped up already, there was only one thing left to do. I planned this as the final chapter almost from the start of this fic, and it's funny how the ending of "The Bachelor" kind of segued into this. While the characters are very similar (I mean, they _are_ the same characters, just in a different situation), these are two different couples who went through different experiences but ended up in the same place, so it makes sense to lead up to it, I guess. Maybe? Just go with it.

This chapter is incredibly cheesy, but really so was the last one, so again—it kind of fits. I researched gay marriage and there are pastors who do same-sex ceremonies, though this one wasn't done in a church. It doesn't matter, the ceremony would've been the same no matter where it took place.

Thank you for being patient with this while I got "If You Can't Stand the Heat" and "The Bachelor" out of my system. I promised I would return to this someday, and I finally did. Credit for the balloons goes to **mooresomore**, who told me months ago she saw teddy-bear-shaped lollipops and thought of this story. Also want to thank **ANNbeau** for keeping me on track with this story, because I would tend to forget about it but every time she reviewed me she'd say "When will you finish Absence?" So this one's for you. :)

And as always, dedicating this to my two awesome betas,** kathrynew30** and **Aranelle**.

In case I haven't said it enough, thank you for reading this and for letting me know you love it. Reviews truly do spur me on and make me want to write more, and as a lot of you know they also give me ideas when we discuss the story with each other. I love the conversations I have with you guys and getting to know you and what you like (and don't like) about the story. It helps more than you know. I love you guys. :)

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><p>When Logan stepped into the room, Kendall smiled. "That tux looks great on you, dude."<p>

"Yeah?" Logan peeked at himself in the mirror bolted to the wall of the community center, turning left and then right. "The pants are a little long."

"Can't even tell. How about me, will Carlos still want to marry me once he sees this?"

Rolling his eyes, Logan replied, "Carlos would want to marry you naked. Wait...I take that back, don't get any ideas."

Laughing, Kendall stepped up behind Logan. "Look at us. Our dream guys, Logan. We got our dream guys. How are we so lucky? How did this happen?"

"Five years I wanted James and never believed I'd actually have him. You had to wait ten."

"And it was worse for me, having him there every day and watching him with girls. Still, that year I spent away from him was the hardest time of my life."

"I know. Glad he took that step back into our lives. I missed him, too. You look nervous."

Kendall shrugged, turning away from Logan and the mirror.

"There's no need to be, he's not going to change his mind."

"I know, Logan, I just feel like it's a dream and I'm going to wake up before it actually happens."

A knock preceded the opening of the door, Mrs. Knight's head poking in. "You boys almost ready? Oh, look at you! So handsome, let me get a picture." She stepped inside, closing the door behind her and whipping a camera out of her little clutch bag.

"Mom, James paid for a professional photographer, we'll have plenty of pictures."

"Yes, but those are for the media and rest of the world; this is just for us. Come on, move in together. Wait, let me get Carlos!" She moved toward the door.

"No!" Kendall exclaimed as Logan slid an arm around his waist. "I can't see him before the wedding, it's bad luck!"

"Oh, like you didn't spend last night together? Only you boys would choose to spend your bachelor party with each other."

"We had fun," Logan smiled. "Lots of swirly slide action."

"I don't even want to know," Mrs. Knight said with a shake of her head. "Smile."

They did, posing for her as she snapped a few pictures, and then Katie barged in. "Are you guys ready or what? We need to get this going, Carlos and James are freaking out."

"What's there to freak out about?" Logan asked, fingers wrapping around Kendall's wrist reassuringly. "They're not having second thoughts, are they?"

"No, they're just worried about messing up their speeches or tripping when they walk down the aisle."

"James and I worked on our speeches together, his is fine," Kendall sighed.

"Still," Katie argued. "They want it over."

"So do I," Kendall agreed. "You ready to do this, Logan? Make the man your dreams your husband?"

Logan grinned. "I was ready for that five years ago."

XXXX

Kendall stood at the rear of the aisle, eyes gazing the length of the community center and searching out his Carlos. He saw James, tall and handsome and partially blocked by a red balloon in the shape of a teddy bear on a stick, and had to bite his lip to keep from giggling when he recalled Carlos' comment about the lollipop stick making it look like the bear was getting fucked. Still, Carlos had insisted on the balloons, which were a symbol of the things that brought both couples together, and Kendall was grateful when Logan and James agreed to the idea. Now he was beginning to think it hadn't been so great, since he couldn't find Carlos through the floating teddy bears that lined the aisle.

"Relax," Logan said again, squeezing Kendall's hand, and then Carlos was there. He'd been leaning down to listen to something his father was saying and stood up with a laugh; immediately Kendall's heartbeat slowed. He took in the guests, a rather large mixture of his hockey buddies, Logan's staff at both the clinic and the hospital, friends from both offices of the foundation that they were all involved with now, and of course the ever-present Jimmy. A head of light brown hair spun back as if feeling his eyes, and Karen waved with a bright smile.

Kendall waved back, still so thankful for her tiny piece of advice that he insisted on leaving her a huge tip every time they visited Denny's. He spied Logan's mother sitting next to his own, James' mother looking almost haughty next to Carlos' across the aisle. James insisted she had a big heart, but Kendall wasn't convinced just yet; she'd already attempted to plan the wedding for them and almost gotten rid of the balloons. Kendall put his foot down, though, because Carlos wanted them, and so they'd remained. Truly he would've been happy with a tiny wedding and reception, as would Logan, but since both James and Logan were somewhat famous, that proved to be impossible.

And it seemed fitting somehow that they have a double wedding, considering the way everything had come about.

Carlos glanced up just then, body already turned toward the rear of the room, and when his lips widened into a huge (if slightly nervous) grin, Kendall's heart settled completely; this was going to happen. "Why are they up front? I thought we were walking down the aisle together."

Logan leaned in slightly. "Because they're ridiculous and think they're gonna trip. It's fine, this is how it should be. It's like crossing the years to be with them finally, and when we join them it's forever."

Kendall only chuckled a little. "You and James, I swear. You got all the romance in this friendship."

"We're well-matched," Logan agreed. "Never could've imagined that."

Just then James looked back as if he knew Logan was talking about him. Logan smiled, James doing the same, and Logan could see how badly he needed this to happen, for it to be official. "Are we ready?"

Kendall caught the eye of the pastor, who in turn gestured to the woman running the music system, and when the notes of a piano reverberated throughout the room, all eyes looked to the back of the large room.

"Okay, now I'm nervous," Logan muttered.

"Shh, just listen to your song. Every word about you."

Logan closed his eyes briefly, letting his song wash over him, the one James had written for him. After a deep breath, Logan opened his eyes again to meet the hazel ones locked onto him as if nothing else existed. _Come to me_, they said, and Logan's feet moved to close the distance, Kendall waiting until Logan and James were arm in arm before starting his own trek toward the front.

Big brown eyes pressed him on, a hand coming up to slide into his when he reached the man he'd suffered without for far too long. "Hi," he whispered, knowing Carlos was nervous.

"Hey." Carlos grinned, better now that Kendall had joined him, and they faced the front. The music was cut off a little too abruptly for Logan, who had been enjoying the sound of his future husband's voice, but then James squeezed his arm and he decided this was even better, having the man himself next to him.

The pastor began to speak, welcoming the guests to the ceremony, which was to bring together two couples who were today pledging themselves to a life-long love and the promise of a partnership in which they would care for each others' every need. It was everything the four of them had wanted even before they'd realized it, and none of them could believe they'd not only found it but were taking steps to keep it.

After going through a speech recounting the meaning of marriage and what it would entail, the pastor nodded at Carlos.

"Me? Why me first?"

Everyone laughed while Kendall soothed Carlos, leaning over to kiss his cheek. "Want me to go first?"

"No, it's fine. Listen up."

Laughing harder, Kendall turned to face Carlos as they clasped hands.

"Kendall."

"Yes." Kendall tried for a more sober expression.

"When I was a toddler, my dad was my hero. He picked me up when I fell, made me feel like Superman, tucked me in at night. I mean, Mom, you did, too," he hastened to add, glancing to his left.

His mother shushed him. "Talk to Kendall, honey."

Carlos grinned, attention back on Kendall. "Then one day when I was five, I pushed you down on the playground. I went back to make sure you were okay, and you weren't mad. You didn't yell at me. You said, "Are _you_?" You were worried about _me_. And then you took me home for cookies and punch. From that day, you didn't leave my side, and I always knew that with Kendall Knight, I would be safe. You became my hero. It took losing you for a year, and seeing you again, to make me get it, to make me finally see that the perfect partner I'd been searching for all my life, the one who completes me, had been there the whole time. I almost lost you, but I'm here today to make sure that doesn't happen. Nobody loves me the way you do, Kendall. I love you."

There were a few sniffles from the moms (and maybe even one from a certain dad), but Kendall barely heard them over the pounding of his own heart. He swallowed and opened his mouth to make his own speech.

"Carlos Garcia." Kendall paused, making sure he had Carlos' full attention before continuing. "Even saying the name makes me smile. You always have, from the time I was a kid. I watched you grow from a clumsy, crazy kid to a passionate, caring adult who spends every day bettering the lives of others. Whenever I got into any kind of trouble, you were right there next to me-whether it be egging me on or trying to take on bullies twice your size who threatened us, or even making sure I wasn't alone when I was grounded by sneaking into my room at night. You say it's me who takes care of you, but that works both ways. By needing me, by standing next to me in all I do, by loving me so much that you found a way to chase after me when I ran. I couldn't escape you if I tried, and thankfully I figured that out before it was too late. I knew on prom night that you were the one I loved. I watched you search for ten years and encouraged you in finding the right person, but in the end your eyes were opened and you finally understood what I'd known all along. Nobody loves you like I do, Carlos. And that's never gonna change."

Carlos' eyes were moist, Kendall seeing that he was struggling to hold on even though he was smiling, and when he started to launch himself forward Kendall placed a hand on his chest. "Not yet," he whispered.

Carlos settled into place again as the pastor spoke. "Carlos, do you take Kendall Knight to be your lawfully-wedded husband, to love and to cherish, to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, until death do you part?"

"Yes," Carlos whispered, then said it louder. "Yes! I do!"

Kendall grinned, and when the question was put to him he nodded, staring into Carlos' eyes. "I do. Nothing in life I want more."

Carlos melted and leaned in again, Kendall shaking his head. "Soon," he whispered.

The pastor instructed them to place the rings on each others' fingers, and once that was finished Carlos raised an eyebrow in hope.

"Almost," Kendall whispered, twining his fingers with Carlos'.

With a sigh, Carlos resigned himself to wait impatiently for the signal he could kiss his soon-to-be husband.

At a nod from the pastor, Logan inhaled deeply, letting it out as he gazed up into James' eyes. "James Diamond. The name alone has captivated me for five years, been a constant in my mind so that everything I did, you were somehow with me even though we'd never met. I first loved your voice, then your beautiful face and everything that came with it, and I dreamed of a day when I'd get a smile out of you but never imagined it would actually happen. One day you walked into my life and I never wanted to let go, wanted to grab onto you with both hands and hold tight. Then you opened your mouth and I fell in love with a man who was afraid of dying, who wanted to truly live before leaving this Earth. I hope I've done that for you and will continue to do it, help you to experience each day to the fullest before your time is up, and when it is I will be right there by your side and in your heart. Even if I've already gone, I will be inside you and holding you through every moment, because you, James, are the only thing I will ever need to feel whole."

It was a long moment before James could bring himself to speak, the guests hushed and waiting when he finally did. His voice thick but strong, he said, "The first time I saw you, I was more afraid than I'd ever been in my life. I thought I might be dying, feared missing out on a future I could only dream of, and felt like my life was spinning out of control. In the middle of all that, you did the impossible: you made me laugh. You made me feel. You made me believe in things I'd been dreaming of for years, made me want to live again. I was even more scared then, because what if you were everything I needed but I wasn't that for you? It turns out you _were_ that, you were the one to give me that great love I didn't want to live without, and once I officially had you I wasn't willing to let go. I've been calling you my husband for months now, because in my heart you are, but today I'm here to make it real. I made you my doctor because I wanted the best. I'm here with you now because you're so much more than that. You're my everything, and I love you."

This time it was Logan who had to struggle to remain still and not fly into his fiancé's arms, his chest heaving with the emotion coursing through him. "I love you," he whispered instead.

James leaned down, pressing his lips to Logan's because he couldn't bear not to, and Carlos clicked his tongue. "No fair," he whined softly. "They got to kiss." Kendall shushed him, rubbing his lips over Carlos' temple.

The pastor cleared his throat, effectively breaking James and Logan apart, and then he took them through their vows. When they'd each said "I do" and placed the rings, they faced forward again, James keeping Logan close with their arms linked.

With a smile at both couples, the pastor declared, "I now pronounce you united in the bonds of marriage. You may kiss your husbands."

Unleashed, Carlos flew at Kendall, who was braced and ready to catch him and return the effusion. Their lips met, both of them relieved that it was over and they officially belonged to each other for life.

The kiss between James and Logan was deeper, drawn out as the crowd cheered but as usual it was as if they were in their own world. It took Kendall tugging on his sleeve for Logan to come up for air and see that it was time to walk back down the aisle as married men.

"You did good, buddy," Kendall smiled, nodding toward James as they strolled to the notes of Logan's song.

Grinning himself on James' arm, Logan replied, "We both did. Moving to L.A. was the best decision we ever made, even if you did have a year of hell without him."

"It was worth it." Kendall hugged Carlos to his side. "The saying's totally true, you know. Absence does make the heart grow fonder."

As they reached the back of the room, they huddled for a group hug. "Did we decide on a honeymoon yet?" James asked.

"I was thinking Minnesota," Kendall answered. "See the old places, introduce James to the world we all came from."

"Can we visit the playground where we met?"

Kendall kissed Carlos on the cheek. "Of course we can. And the hockey rink we kicked ass on."

"Maybe when we have kids we can move there," Logan mused, smirking at James. "Raise them on our turf."

James surprised them all by smiling instead of arguing. "Yeah. Maybe we can."

"You want kids now?" Logan asked in shock.

"Not right this second, but...the idea doesn't scare me anymore."

Carlos grinned with excitement. "We can push all the kids down the swirly slide!"

"All the kids?" Kendall asked with an eyebrow raised. "Just how many are we having?"

"So many we have to buy a mansion. With a hockey rink in the basement."

Logan laughed. "I think we'll start with just one. You ever played hockey, James?"

"No, but I'm sure you guys can teach me a few things, like how to not fall on my ass. Just try to avoid crashing into the net this time," James teased.

"That was one time!"

The other three continued to laugh as they broke the huddle, but Kendall's arm stayed around his husband's waist. Never again was Carlos Knight slipping away from him.


End file.
